July 29, 2011
Greetings and salutations…
Cabo San Lucas
A few of my more astute readers noted that I talked a lot about Todos Santos and not very much about Cabo San Lucas, and that’s because Cabo was “just OK”. I mean, the place where I stayed for my business portion of the trip was absolutely top notch. Here are some BlackBerry quality pictures to prove it…
And, at The Wal-Mart, they had Burger King branded Aros de Cebolla. That’s right, Rings of Onion. Some kind of a BK orchestrated, Latin American, Funyuns rip-off.
But at the end of the day, if you were to take away the incredible oceans views, rock formations and other natural beauties surrounding the city, it was just another, Mexican tourist town. I loved the fish tacos at Alexander’s (at the Marina), all the sailboats in the area, and the Mexican people…but I think that my need for fancy resorts and big cities is on the decline. Todos Santos was definitely more my speed these days. Of course, that won’t keep me away from New York City next week… I have a date with David Letterman.
And actually, I think a little Dave Mason would be appropriate here…
Sometime, if I feel like ranting and raving, I’ll tell you about my trip back. This would include details on the my latest round of ridiculous encounters with TSA people and why I think we should be slashing their budget in half. Which brings me to…
I guess the BIG topic this week should be The Debt Ceiling.
But you know what really bugs the crap out of me?
Well, other than that guy’s name is Boehner. <Heh, heh… heh.>
Most people have no idea what this whole debt ceiling thing is about, why it’s important or even relevant, and/or how any of it could affect the average person. The reality is that most people just want this sort of thing to go away. Why should we care if the national debt goes up? It’s already at 14.3 trillion dollars and, as far as we can tell, that hasn’t affect us in the least, so why not go for broke. Make it an even 20 trillion. Right?
So, let me take a stab at this. First off, there are people who think that having a debt ceiling is silly. Why don’t we just get rid of it? The debt ceiling is nothing more than a made up number that says that the U.S. will not borrow anymore than than this amount of money. It’s like having a credit card with a credit limit, except we get to set our own legal credit limit. Although doing business could certainly be easier without that ceiling, not having a debt ceiling would just allow for unlimited borrowing without anyone really noticing our looming troubles …and looming, they are, in a big way. Our country has been, basically, having to raise the debt ceiling about every six months (or so) for years.
What no one realizes is that, global governmental spending works exactly like your own household finances, just with more zeros at the end. Let’s pretend that you have a credit card that you use sparingly, mostly for times when you don’t have cash. Then, every month, when your bill comes in, you pay it off and you have some money left for other things, like paying your mortgage, your car and having a little beer and tequila. Good stuff. You are living the life.
Then one day you realize that you’ve put a little too much on your credit card. You could pay it off but that would mean not having as much money for beer and tequila. Well, you’re an American. You deserve your tasty beverages and, therefore decide to, instead of paying off your debt, start running a balance. Of course, you are sure that you’ll be paying it back down to zero soon enough.
Next month rolls around and you’ve over spent again. Plus now you have to pay interest on your credit card balance from last month. That’s OK. It doesn’t appear to be too much. Your balance is small. Besides, friends are coming over, they heard you have the best tequila collection in town. Don’t worry, they are bringing the beer. So, to not change your lifestyle, you let the credit card balance grow a little more and the problem compounds itself.
After a while, your credit card balance hasn’t seen zero in a long time. Whenever cash comes in, you send it all to the credit card company. That means you don’t have any cash, so everything that you buy, you need to buy with your credit card. It’s a vicious circle.
If you let this continue, sooner or later you’ll notice that you are spending more on interest than you are on beer and tequila. Normally, I would recommend getting all of your bills paid and your credit card balances paid-off before spending one more dime on yourself but… This whole scenario could be pretty hard to face without plenty of beer and tequila. Are you following me?
Fortunately, the credit card companies, in their infinite wisdom, set a credit limit on your cards. They are saying, you can’t borrow more than this much. They are saying, if you were to borrow more than this, we don’t think you’d have the ability to ever pay it back. Gee thanks!
So this is exactly what our government has done. America has spent all of its cash and we’ve been borrowing more and more. So far our creditor have loved us. It’s like auto-pay…they get their money. All this borrowing is costing us huge dollars. Our Net Interest on Debt is now our nation’s 5th largest budget item. But we keep spending and spending…money that we don’t have, which drives up how much we pay in interest…because we’re spending borrowed money.
The scary thing is that we can arbitrarily raise our debt ceiling and agree to borrow more. However, our global creditors aren’t stupid. They know that we should, by all rights, have a credit limit and they know that we are very close to what that credit limit should be. They know that if we borrow much more, we will never be able to pay our debt down. And when that happens, there will be a whole new set of problems…
I know I’ve included this link before but… Check it out.
Just bring this up and stare at it for a little while. It’s mind-boggling.
First, our credit rating will go down, which means our interest rate will go up. I’ve always found it funny that those who can’t afford to pay, pay the most. We are obviously not a communist society. Then of course, who is? Not the Chinese …but that’s a topic for another time.
Next, at some point, no one will loan us any more money, regardless of our self imposed debt ceiling. Talk about a government shut-down. If we don’t start working towards a balanced and cash-flow positive budget, this will absolutely happen in the next 20 (or so) years. This is something no one wants. Don’t forget, we’re everyone’s best customer. What happens when your best customer has their credit lines shut off and they don’t have any cash? Salespeople? That’s right. You can’t sell them anything. So this will be bad for everyone.
We gotta fix this boyz! We have to make some tough choices. We have to stop spending. We have to eliminate our debt and return to being a debt free society. Part of how we must do this is by reducing the trade deficit. Let’s start making everything that we need right here in America, even if it costs a little more. That will keep people employed and keep our cash in the hands of Americans. We need to lose our dependency on oil. I believe the only reason we have such a dependency today is because we have been manipulated by the big oil giants and the automotive industry. Let’s start building cars that don’t require gasoline. Right now!
Let invest in companies like Cyclone Power Technologies in Pompano Beach, Florida. They’ve already developed an engine that runs on almost any fuel or combination of fuels. They are cleaner, safer, and more efficient! It’s basically a mini steam engine powered by things that don’t send our money into the pockets of Texan billionaires, Saudi Arabians, and other BP-like conglomerates.
Let’s make it easy for companies to do business in the US, if they are located in the US, so they employ our people and keep our money here. Let’s watch out for sneaky foreign companies who appear to lose money here every year, so they don’t have to pay US taxes, while the corporate offices in Japan rake in piles of cash.
In other words, let’s stop taking it up the poop chute.
Ram it, ram it, ram it, ram it up your poop chute
Ram it, ram it, ram it, ram it up your poop chute
Don’t fool yourself girl, it’s goin’ right up your poop chute
That is sick and disgusting…much like today’s topic.
Where was I…
Fortunately, I’ll be rounding up to 100 soon and looking forward to spending my days deciding where to drop anchor, how to make my own tamales, and whether I prefer rum or vodka in my guanabana smoothies.
What’s your plan?
Cheers! Love ya. Mean it.
July 22, 2011
Barnsley… Get the Kodak PictureDisc down to Walgreen’s.
I want to get a lot photos into this week’s show…
I know it’s probably hard to tell whether or not I like Continental Airlines, which, of course, is no longer Continental Airlines. Now you just get the Continental logo with United painted on the side of the plane.
Hopefully that goes well and, truth be told, I love(d) Continental. This is the airline that once upon a time was the Yugo of airlines, the worst of the worst. Then, over a number of years, they really got their act together and even today, I continue to have good experiences, time after time.
I mention this because, if you’re going to Cabo San Lucas, I have to recommend that you strictly follow this methodology…
- A) Book your flight on Continental Airlines, which will force you to go through Houston.
- B) Book an early flight, you want to be in Houston by about 7:30am.
- C) Hope that your connection takes you past the B terminal.
- D) Get to Continental’s B-Terminal President’s Club and find bartender Melissa Loo…
- D) Ask for her signature Wasabi-Spicy Bloody Mary. Tell her Archie sent you.
- E) When it’s time to head for the plane, ask her to make you one more. When no one is looking, go get yourself one of the “to go” coffee cups, pour your Bloody Mary into it and head for your gate.
Now you’re properly on your way to Cabo.
Here’s what you don’t want to do… On my flight to Cabo, there were a couple of guys sitting across the aisle from me who never stopped drinking. They were at the President’s Club, partaking in whatever Ms. Loo was pouring. Then, once they were on the plane, they ordered double vodkas… Twice! It was only like a two and a half hour flight but they were pounding the vodkas. By the time we got to Cabo, they were hootin’ and hollerin’. They were telling every man who was traveling with a woman how beautiful his female companion was… Finally, as we were getting off the plane, they were falling over, laughing, very loudly talking about passing gas, and acting like drunk and stupid Americans …because that’s what they were.
So, bad things happen in almost every major city in the world…and we’ve all heard about the things that have been going on in Mexico in recent years. Well, no matter how overly-hyped those reports are by the American media, the reality is that bad things do go on in parts of Mexico and Americans, in general, don’t want to go around acting like easy targets. Granted, Baja California Sur, the Mexican state where Cabo San Lucas is located, is probably one of the safest places in all of Mexico. …but these two guys were just being complete idiots and attracting undue attention to themselves. I actually thought about following them, “rolling” them, and robbing them myself.
Fortunately, I had better things to do…
Oh…. forgettin’s cheap in Mexico
She’ll be there waiting and she won’t say no
Tequila loves me even if you don’t
But Cabo was just our landing site.
We were off to Todos Santos, Pueblo Magico (Magic City).
“Todos”, as we, the locals, call it, will be about 45 minutes North of Cabo San Lucas once the road is finished and about an hour and thirty minutes from the airport, which is really in San Jose del Cabo. Right now, your results may vary on how long it takes to get there. It’ll depend on how well you handle bumps and how bad you’re willing to beat up your rental car. They say the road will be finished by this time next year, in time for the 2012 G-20 Mexico Summit.
As previously discussed, we were staying at an awesome beach property, just a few miles South of Todos called Osprey San Pedrito.
On our first day there, we headed into town in search of supplies. In Cabo we had seen a Super Wal-mart, Sam’s Club, Costco, Home Depot, and several impressive supermarkets. Todos Santos is not Cabo. It’s not even close. Todos Santos is indeed the sleepy little Mexican beach town that we had been promised.
We walked around one market several times and never found anything that we wanted to buy, other than tequila. Everyone sells tequila. Even the gift shops sell tequila. It’s quite handy.
I don’t recall seeing a sign on this gift shop. It was either Silver Maind (per their business card) or Silver Mine (per my credit card receipt). On our first day there, we meet a cool guy named Guillermo (Billy The Kid) who seemed to be the proprietor. We spent a pile of money at this store on tequila, damiana liqueur, and miscellaneous other things. We went back on day two and met Alfredo, who looks a helluva lot like actor Guillermo Diaz. They even sound alike…
Alfredo was a cool guy too. I determined that Guillermo was the CEO and Alfredo was his Vice President of Sales. If you visit Todos Santos, you have to look these guys up. Tell’em Archie & Stonsey sent you…just don’t pay the first price they quote you. Aim low. There are deals to be had.
Oh, by the way, here’s my entire Baja-Bro crew, commandeering the gift shop from Alfredo and pouring ourselves some tasty samplers.
If you don’t do anything else in Todos Santos, you gotta check out Hotel California…
Now, I don’t know if I’ve talked about this before. I don’t usually like to discuss personal issues publicly, on the Internet, but…this might require an intervention sooner or later, so we should probably start discussing it openly. I think my friend, Stonsey, is developing a Planking problem.
Are you familiar with Planking? Look it up.
The idea is that you lay somewhere, face down and then stiffen your body… Like a plank. Apparently, some crazy Australians or New Zelanders came up with this. People have even been accidentally killed while planking in poorly chosen locations, like tall buildings. Here are a few plankers…
Of course, Stonsey couldn’t resist planking the balcony above the HC sign…
I said planker, not wanker.
One day, we had breakfast at Baja Boar.
The only way that I could describe this “restaurant” in terms for the average Gringo to understand is… “not really a restaurant”. It’s more like some sticks holding up a roof and underneath, they cook stuff for you. To start with, it’s on a dirt road near the beach but not near any significant traffic whatsoever. I’m fairly sure that on the day the four of us went there for breakfast, they sold not more than about four breakfast burritos. But they were some happy katz!
Baja Boar, by the way, is right next to Osprey San Pedrito at Dr. Robert’s Ocean Oasis.
The reason why breakfast took a while was because, before they made our breakfast burritos, they had to make the tortillas. Luckily, the chorizo that was going into the burritos was already made…and YES, they make that themselves too. The whole thing was awesome. I loved it. My kind of place.
But I have to say, in as much as I loved spending time in and around Todos Santos and I plan to return there soon and often, and I want to look into owning property there… The coolest thing about staying at Osprey San Pedrito was the three dogs.
From the moment we got there, three dogs came to greet us. These were the coolest dogs that you could possibly imagine. They were definitely Baja Dogs. They lived on the beach…went wherever they wanted, whenever they wanted. They never tried to enter our house, they were outside dogs. When the sun got very hot, they knew where to find shade. If we were on the porch drinking beers, they came and hung out with us.
We didn’t know their names, so we named them Tim, Taylor & Steve…
At the end of the day, I think I learned more Tim, Taylor & Steve than I have from anyone else in a long time. In a way, they reminded me of the guy I met in Guatemala last year who told me about what a great life he had because at least once a week, someone on his block would come up with a chicken to cook, and everyone was invited over.
The reality is that, when you don’t know better, you really don’t need much to be happy. Then I was reminded that “knowing better” isn’t always an advantage. I also realized that I could probably spend an indefinite period of time hanging out on the beach and listening to the constant roar of the Pacific Ocean.
Speaking of not knowing any better, you might wonder how safe it was around Todos Santos? All I can say is that I never felt unsafe, not even a little bit, not even once. I guess my Baja-Bros also felt reasonably safe since we never locked the doors on our beach house. It was open when we got there and we left it unlocked whenever we went out, and we left it unlocked whenever we went to sleep. Closing the doors and windows would have been unacceptable, we needed to hear the waves crashing outside. I’d be back there in a minute.
I look forward to seeing Todos again at sunrise…
And I look forward to seeing another Tequila Sunset…
The bottom line is, I think I’m getting really close to trading in the BMW for an old Baja Buggy, finding a piece of paradise on a beach somewhere where no one knows mi nombre, and at the risk of littering our oceans, toss my BlackBerry just as far out into the Pacific as I can…
Ah! I feel better already.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Q: What are you thinking about there Stonsey?
A: I think we need to return to Todos Santos soon.
That’s it for today.
I hope you’ve enjoyed the photos.
Make plans to visit me in Mexico, if you can find me.
July 15, 2011
ay aaay oh,
Greetings and salutaions on this fine Friday.
I need a b**ch with the right amount of skank,
score me an 8-ball and help me turn crank
Note: Stonsey is the black guy. I’m Eminem.
Before going any further, I think we have to handle some “viewer mail”…
Your blog speaks to me.
No. It really doesn’t. Don’t forget my usual disclaimer. This isn’t about you, me, us, the dog, or the cat (who knew how to play fetch). I’m not speaking to you, about you, or at you. I’m just rambling. Don’t try this at home. Your results may vary.
You are so random.
No. Nothing on this show here happens by accident. We have a whole team of people working on make-up, special effect, and the research department. Oh, plese don’t forget the research department. I may be the most delibarate person you’ve never met.(..or a compulsive liar).
I find your Archie Kobain blogs very “interesting”??
What are you doing later? Come to Tortola, immediately.
Rock on Archie Weather dude.
OK. That should be enough for now.
Let’s break for this questionable Sweedish remake of a classic Slade song…
If we’re going to destroy a song, I can do it myself on my new Canjo…
You know what I want to talk about? The relativity of money.
I don’t think I want to talk about it today. I need time to compose a nice article.
Maybe in two weeks. In the meantime, if you have $1500 that you can afford to lose…
Now I’ll send you all this message in code,
underground, over mountains,
through forests and deserts and cities.
So… Guess how many Irish redheads contacted me after last week’s blog entry?
No…seriously, guess? Where’s Barnsley, he’ll guess? Oh, no wait. He already knows.
He was on phone duty. OK, you guess???
I can tell, you’re afraid to guess too low. That won’t be an issue.
Well, I quote Graham Parker…
Fumble with the money and fumble with the keys,
Somebody has to end up on his knees.
Go to a funeral dressed in pink,
Stop to love and not stop to think.
Big Fat Zero
Big Fat Zero
Big Fat Zero
That’s right, Big Fat Zero.
Although there were reports of higher-than-normal inquiries from women asking about Addict by Dior at perfume counters worldwide. You know you did. You know who you are…
Lady Gaga… Stop stalking me.
I guess I have no choice. I have to return to Paris.
[Barnsley: Shall I ready the plane to France, captain?]
What? France? What are you talking about?
I’m talking about Paris Whitney Hilton or, as her friends refer to her, Paris Hilton.
I really don’t care about her celebrity status or Grandpa Hilton’s pile of hotel brands that try to nickle and dime you for every last thing that happens within their walls, so that the family can finance another reality show. The truth is, I just genuinely like her. I think she’s a sweetheart…and smart. I must admit, at first, I missed the old Paris… You know, the one who was always causing a stir. One day there’s a tape released (which I never cared to see) of Paris with a jerk-off ex-boyfriend during private moments, then she’s doing a goofy reality show with friend, Nicole Richie, then she’s getting arrested for DUI, speeding through Los Angeles in the dark, with her headlights off on a suspended driver’s license. Then there were some drug charges. Whatever! I thought she was great. Seriously… I’m not being sarcarstic. She was just another adolescent with a higher budget than most.
Let’s face it, if anyone of us, at that age, could have mustered up enough recognition to have Japanese authorities ban us from entering their country, we would have done it.
Anyway, I’m getting used to the new Paris. She’s a little calmer, a little less the party girl, but still having fun and doing what she does best… Just being Paris. I can picture it…
Note: That is not a real photo. I’m just goofin’ with you, Paris.
I have a feeling that she’s still going to sue me claiming, “I would never been seen with someone wearing that shirt”. I know. I’m Sorry… It’s one of my cheap Brooks Brother’s shirts. I keep my Eton shirts in Aspen.
I caught one episode of her new show, The World According to Paris.
Paris was Paris… (Love ya, babe. Call me.)
But I had no idea that Brooke Mueller was, like, her co-star. Seriously? What a train wreck she is. Do we all know who she is? The now ex-wife of Charlie Sheen. Mother of Bobma & Maxma?
Note: The media seems to refer to Sheen’s kids as Bob & Max. But around Palm Beach, way back around their birth, the story was that Charlie has insisted on naming them Bobma & Maxma. Get it? Their names would be pronounced Bob Machine and Max Machine. I guess we’ll need to check their IDs.
Anyway, I’m not going to pick on Brooke. I know she’s your friend, Par. But I just gotta say, I think if Moira Fiore was my mom, I’d probably be a train wreck too. Anyway, Brooke, good luck with the latest round of rehab…
I could quote some Amy Winehouse lyrics right here.
What else should we talk about today?
We could talk about the dead… Clarence Clemons (69) , the Space Shuttle Program (30), Caylee Anthony (2), Peter Falk (83)… Larry “Wildman” Fischer (66)!
We’ll miss you, Larry.
And Eddie, I miss you more than all the others,
This song is for you my brother
This is going to require a little Tinto de Verano.
Tinto de Verano, which means Red Wine of Summer, is a wine-based cold drink similar to sangria and is very popular in Spain. READ all about it.
Barnsley… Bring on the Gaseosa!
But NO, we’re not going to talk about dead people.
We’re going to talk about living. Living Large! Prepare to be jeleaous.
Guess where I am, right now?
I’m on my way to Mexico. Right Now!
Unless of course, you aren’t reading this right now, in which case I may already be in Mexico or I may be back or I may be somewhere else. Again, this is the reason why we have time. Without time, everything would happen right now. Then our problem would be space. You see, if everything happened right now, then you’d be everywhere you’ve ever been and everywhere you’ll ever go right now! The problem is that, so would everyone else. Of course, two people can’t occupy the same space simultaneously. That’s why we have time. Because two people can occupy the same space, as long as they are there at different times. Got it?
So, was (or am) I? Oh, yeah… Mexico!
I’m on my way there, as I am writing this…
Headed to Baja Califonia Sur (BCS) con tres de mis compadres, a pasar dos dias en Todos Santos y, despues, tres dias en Cabo San Lucas. Check out the totally sick place where we’re staying in Todos Santos…
We rented out the whole place, on the beach, for two nights. We’re just a couple miles outside of Todos Santos. One of those places where I’ve never been, but I’ve been told that if I ever go there, I’ll want to stay. I hope they have Internet access or this might be my last blog entry…ever!
Todos Santos is supposedly quite a surfer destination. Other than that, it’s a little beach town filled with equal amounts bars and churches. Personally, I can’t wait to check out the iconic Hotel California. The real one. The one where The Eagles used to hang out and their song was named after.
Of course, some say that…
A man in town claims to have started the rumor that became legend, in the early 80′s – and for purely selfish reasons. He says the town was so unknown, so lacking in tourists or business that he felt compelled to do something to stir things up. He was in the real estate business and there weren’t any buyers around to sell to. So he says he dreamed the “Eagles” thing up right out of thin air. There weren’t many takers for an urban legend either, but by the time the hotel was open again as Hotel California in the late 80′s, the legend had begun to grow. The story was told to anyone who would listen that this indeed was the HOTEL CALIFORNIA. That the Eagles had stayed there. That Don Henley had written the song right here, while renting a room for $2/night, sleeping in a hammock. And to further the effect, the song played over the barroom stereo into the streets. Why it had to be true, didn’t it?
I don’t care. I say it’s the real Hotel California.
Of course, if it isn’t, maybe they’ll sell it to me for less.
But really, who could argue that this isn’t the real Hotel California.
I’ve only been here a few hours and already my head is growing heavy and my sight is growing dim. I can sense the warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air…and there goes the mission bell. This is…such a lovely place. I want it. And to further prove my point, one of my friends just commented, “this could be heaven or this could be hell”.
Speaking of buying real estate in BCS, I’m planning to look at this place while I’m out here…
I love it. I want it. I needs me some property in BCS.
So, I’m keeping it short today. I need to spend maximum time en la playa, con cervezas, tequila y unos puros. See you on the flip-side. That is… If I decide to ever leave Todos Santos.
Just send my mail to The Rosarito Beach Cafe
OK, really, Igotta run.
There’s a dance in the courtyard.
July 8, 2011
So, I did a little time traveling last week.
Went back to July 21st, 1944 to see the U.S. recapturing Guam from the Japanese. I wanted to get as few photos in time for Liberation Day. On my way back I overshot 2011 and ended up somewhere in the future.
A time to be born, a time to die,
a time to plant, a time to reap,
a time to kill, a time to heal,
a time to laugh, a time to weep…
To everything…there is a season
and a time for every purpose, under Heaven.
You know what’s funny? In the future, almost all airlines have gone out of business and the whole thing has been taken over by a joint venture between FedEx and UPS. It’s called Fed Up Airlines and their motto is…
”We’ve been delivering packages for years. How hard can this be?”
Now typically, time travel is illegal. That’s why most people don’t know that we can do it. Well, it’s not illegal now. It’s illegal in the future…but they made the law retroactive to now. Never mind. It’s complicated. What’s cool is that it’s only illegal for people to time travel. It’s OK to send inanimate objects back as far as 24 hours. So, in the future, in the package delivery business, you can send stuff Next Day, Same Day or (for an extra fee) Yesterday.
Here’s the funny thing about Fed Up Airlines… They still have SkyMall. And if you see something you really like and maybe needed for the trip that you’re on, you can order it and get it back before you left. Stuff just shows up at your house, and it has a note from you, in the future, “Take this with you”.
Think of the problems this creates for credit card fraud. You get stuff today, you’re credit card isn’t getting hit until you’ve ordered it tomorrow. Of course, you can’t return it today because, technically, you haven’t bought it yet, but people try all the time.
So there I am time traveling back from Guam, reading SkyMall, and I see this ad.
This is brilliant. Of course, this was a silly ad for some dating services and they really just want you to outsource the procurement of dates. But I know a thing or two about outsourcing, and while their service might be a spin on just another dating service, what they said was brilliant. We’ll talk about dating services later. Right now, let’s focus on outsource your dating life!
Let’s think about this. When you outsource, you get others to perform the functions that you might typically need to perform “in house”. The benefits of outsourcing include: cost savings, access to expert talent, capacity and scalability, geographical diversity, reduced time to market, shift of responsibilities, shift of risk, shift of liability. Are you with me so far?
Now you could be married or single, gay or straight, a skinny bee-ach, or a single seatbelt challenged individual and you could still have a great dating life by outsourcing the whole thing to someone else, maybe to someone in India.
I’ve embraced this (and you should too). Now when I meet a lady, I give her my card. Naturally, she calls me within a few hours. The number is answered, “hello…this is Archie”, by a guy named Amalendu in Maharashtra, a suburb just West of Mumbai. He then coordinates with the rest of my dating staff, located all over the planet. But I never even have to meet anyone. It’s all outsourced. I have an entire team dedicated to recruiting. All information related to who I am dating, what we did on our dates, and any intimate details are documented and uploaded to a web-based portal, where I can log in and monitor my progress… and I never need to leave my living room.
Just last night I went on date with a girl with hairy armpits named Chantal in Rouen, a rich old lady named Bernice in Santa Marguerita, and a guy named Kevin from Santa Monica who was visiting Jakarta on business. Kevin was just a one night stand, so I’m deleting him from the portal.
Celebrity dating is no problem. (Young hunk) Archie from Malibu will be taking out Ashley Tisdale next week, while another (less fortunate) Archie is checking into Amy Winehouse for me… but she has some kind of a Tony Bennett thing going on.
By the way, am I the only person who liked Ashley’s original nose better?
So, at the risk of giving away my giant money making idea…
Have you seen this dating service called, It’s Just Lunch…? Who signs up for this stuff. First of all, I get that lunch is supposed to be less intimidating but it’s also the most inconvenient time of day, with the maximum possibility for interruptions, and…maybe that’s what you want.
I think it’s a way stupid idea. I don’t want to have lunch with anyone. And when was the last time that you met someone of the opposite sex and thought, “hey… I’d really like to have lunch with that person”. Let’s face it, lunch is completely the wrong approach. I, of course, have a brilliant idea. My dating service will be called, Give it a Shot! This ain’t lunch baby… Give it a Shot!, the dating service for alcohol enthusiasts, recommends that you meet and immediately order shots… Tequila? Jagermeister? Irish Car Bomb? Oh yeah, baby… Now we’re taking. That date of yours is looking better already, isn’t she?
Brilliant. I know.
(Did that Space Shuttle go off yet?)
Well, I gotta run.
Am I late for a very importnat date? Not really.
I don’t actually have my own dating service nor am I outsourcing anything.
So you can wipe off that grin
I know where you’ve been
It’s all been a pack of lies
At the end of the day, Archie is still holding out for a cute Irish redhead wearing jeans, a tank top, and Addict by Dior. She’s got an unsweetened iced green tea from Starbuck’s in one hand and an iPod in the other, listening to Memory Motel by The Stones. She’s probably never been to an auto parts store but when she takes the Benz for a ride, news reporters on the side of the road point to her as an example of a bad driver. I have very specific tastes.
At Citi Bank we will meet accidently
We’ll start to talk when she borrows my pen
Oh, yeah… And she needs to have just the right amount of skank.
I should write a song… Eminem style. The big question is, who is the black guy?
Now I really gotta run…
July 1, 2011
Good morning, Tortola…
It’s me, Weather (the blogger formerly known as Archie Kobain), coming to you
live from somewhere near Sebastian’s Beach Resort at Apple Bay.
[Theme song, playing in background:]
The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
My thoughts aren’t too clear, but don’t run away.
(Don’t worry.. I’ll explain later.)
The phone lines are open. Call me.
Tell me what we should talk about before I just start rambling.
Barnsley is standing by his cell phone at the pullout.
(Colors? I didn’t know we could do colors.)
So, I don’t know how exciting this is but, I feel like I need to recap the month.
June was quite busy. It’s crazy that it’s already July 1st…
Just the other day, or maybe that was almost a month ago, I attended a Mets game and they won. They tell me this was an unusual occurrence. Obviously, I don’t follow baseball very closely. I know there are teams, they play and eventually someone wins the Super-Series-World-Bowl-Thingy. Anyway, I’d tell you all about the game but, apparently, Major League Baseball owns the rights to any description of what went on during the game. I doubt that’s 100% enforceable.
I, of course, am willing defy the authority of The MLB and give you my version of the play-by-play, just don’t quote me… Uh… There were some guys dressed like baseball players and they threw some balls. Upon close inspection, the balls appearred to consists of a round cushioned cork center, wrapped tightly in windings of wool and polyester/cotton yarn, and covered by stitched cowhide. Some players waved bats at the balls. Others actually struck the balls with bats, probably in self-defense. Whenever they hit one of these balls, they went running running off, as if to distance themselves from the impact site. This was particularly exciting to many. Fans cheered, others mainly drank beer and enjoyed hanging out with fellow alcohol enthusiasts. Like most baseball games, it was 15 minutes of excitement crammed into four hours.
On the up-side, we were at the Modell’s Clubhouse.
One guy was amazed at how close we were to the field. He said, “if you got this close to the field at Yankee Stadium, you’d be arrested”.
Upon arrival, it was suggested that I immediately have a beverage made from barley, water, hops & yeast. I was one of the people who took this advice to heart. Again, I don’t know a lot about baseball, so I did whatever others suggested.
Drink a beer? Yes, sir.
Have a stadium dog? OK.
It was good to see my NYC friends (Brian & Jay).
It was good to catch up to my old compadres…
You know, when someone aims a camera at you these days, your first thought should be, “is there a chance that this will end up on the Internet?” Of course, there’s always a chance that a photo will end up on the Internet. This might lead to you never being in a photograph again. I understand. This is probably what Gale is thinking right now…
Is that a Mets shirt? Maybe she knows something about this game? Maybe she can teach me about baseball??? Oh, no… wait. I shouldn’t take on too much at once. I still need swimming lessons. I’ll get to baseball later. Baby steps! Barnsley… Can you call Gale and ask her if she’s ever given swimming lessons?
[Looks around.] Barnsley?
How many times have the weathermen
told you stories that made you laugh?
You know its not unlike the politicians and the leaders,
when they do things by halves.
All in all, I think our little party of about 70 guests was a huge success.
Did I mention the Mets won?
After the game, we over extended our license to be cool and headed somewhere too hip for a lowly sailor from the BVI, 230 FIFTH Rooftop Garden Bar and Restaurant in Manhattan.
It had an unparalleled, spectacular view of the Empire State Building. I could have just sat there for hours, sipping cocktails and staring at it… and maybe that’s what I did. The details are getting a little foggy at this point. In any case, I’m glad I didn’t see the bar tab for that place. Oh, I’m sure they brought us one.
I just refused to look at it. Thanks, Diane. Thanks, Dave.
You guys did pay, right? I hope someone paid. I’m headed back there in August. I’d hate to find my picture on a wanted poster by the door. Where’s Barnsley?
[Yelling off stage:]
Barnsley… Can you make sure someone picked up the tab at 230 Fifth?
June 9th kicked off Bonnaroo X. The 10th annual Bonnaroo Music Festival in Manchester, TN and my fourth year, in a row, in attendance. It was a good time as always but… In 2008 and 2009, I really enjoyed the line-up. In 2010 and 2011, I was able to pick out some good music but I can’t say that the lineup was all that exciting. The bottom line is that, unlike years past, I’m not getting in on the early-bird ticket sales for 2012. Before I commit, I want to see the lineup. Maybe we’ll give something different a shot?
This doesn’t mean that I won’t be back to Bonnaroo. I love The Roo. I’m just thinking it might be time to see what else is going on out there. Plan for my life when I just travel from music festival to music festival in my VW bus.
I may have previously mentioned that I did see some great acts there. I was particularly impressed by Grace Potter and The Nocturnals. Awesome show. By the way, to all my Colorado friends, they are performing FOR FREE at Howelsen Hill in Steamboat Springs on July 14th. Be there!
At Bonnaroo, I only caught a glimpse of Greensky Bluegrass. I had a feeling that I would really like them and wanted to hear more but I was running behind. “I’m late. I’m late… for a very important date.” Fortunately, we were brought together again, a few days later, by fate… (more on that later, too).
On the final day of Roo, I decided to get off the beaten path and out of the sweltering Tennessee heat by visiting Cafe Where?, the small venue located on the outskirts of the giant What Stage grasslands. It’s usually a good place to catch some of the lesser-known acoustic acts or hometown party bands. It was here that I came across, singer / songwriter, Lauren Shera…
She probably wasn’t for all of my BonnaBros. I know Hoser took a little snooze during her set, but I thought she was awesome. If you know me, you know that I like me some female folksy music. So, trust me. Go here (see below) and get a free download of her song, Endless Sea.
After her performance at Bonnaroo, Lauren invited me… OK, fine, she invited everyone… to come see her in Atlanta a few days later. Hmmm? I was going to be in Atlanta on that same day and staying only a few miles away.
OK, maybe I’ll see you there?
My new girlfriend thinks I’m a stalker.
Well, actually, she’s not my girfriend. Yet.
Bottom line? I think the BonnaBros are taking a BonnaBreak.
Not Pictured: Hoser & Choly
Where are Hoser & Choly?
Do you know the worse part of going to a fashion show at Bonnaroo?
Having to tell your parents that you’re gay.
Speaking of Bonnaroo, gay and fashion…
Woo hoo! So I’m in Atlanta. I love Atlanta, always have. The business portion of the trip seemed to go extremely well – we’ll see. I was there with a fellow alcohol enthusiast. We’ll call him Sean.
Immediately after concluding our business calls, we decided to partake in some beverages. I knew that it was time to head for The Vortex Bar & Grill in Little 5-points, one of my favorite Atlanta hangouts.
After a few Laughing Skulls, we were getting hungry and made the greatest single discovery of recent times. The owners of The Vortex have opened a Mexican restaurant, claiming to have very authentic Mexican food. Oh, really? I’ll be the judge of that. I’ve traveled this great country of ours in search for great and authentic Mexican food and I usually have to go to Mexico to get it.
No longer! You can now get awesome Mexican food here in the states.
The Bone Garden Cantina has everything that you would want in great Mexican food. This includes the best in authentic Mexican tamales. You haven’t had tamales like these unless you either went to Mexico or had my “tamale lady” make them for you after her parents in Guadalajara sent her the special ingredients. The Bone Garden Cantina has awesome food and I will be visitng there every chance I get.
OMG! They even have a Tequila Club! Sign me up.
Someone shoot me and take me to Bone Garden heaven.
After such a wonderful Mexican fiesta, there was no stopping us. It was time to head just North of Midtown to the Piedmont Heights area and find Smith’s Olde Bar. Well, my stalking paid off big. Not only did we catch Lauren Shera, who I think sounded even better than she did at Bonnaroo but she was opening for none other than… Greensky Bluegrass.
The whole evening was brilliant. Alaina, who may have been employed at Smith’s, was in charge of the beer and shots of Jagermeister. She and Sean made sure that there were no interruption in our supply chain.
From the time Greensky Bluegrass took the stage, Sean started going, “Woo hoo!”, while occasionally jumping up out of his seat and dancing around. In between the incredibly lengthy songs, Sean would shout out stuff like, “Zepplin… Play Zepplin” – or – “Floyd… Play Pink Floyd”.
I’m thinking, “Sean…this is a bluegrass band”. Imagine my surprise when I hear…
Ticking away, the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way
I have to say, Greensky Bluegrass was awesome. Five guys wielding stringed instruments and playing them tight. I loved the cover songs. Pink Floyd’s Time was nice but I particularly liked When Doves Cry. You guys blew me away. In the words of my drinking buddy, Sean… “Woo hoo!”
June 17th to June 24th – Out sick and heavily medicated.
So I get a text mesasage from a buddy of mine that says, “Got two extra box seats to see U2 tonight. Are you a fan?” Of course, I answered, “Yes!” I think he thought that I was answering, “Yes, I am a fan of U2″. Actually, I was answering, “Yes, I am a fan of box seats.”
A few hours later, my friend, Bull Johnson, and I are at Sun Life Stadium listening to opening band, Florence and The Machine. I know! The corporate sandbox was filled with food, beer and… Is that Grey Goose? Nice. The time seemed to fly by and soon enough, Simon Le Bono and The Boyz took to the stage, featuring the giant claw-like support rig and accordion-like expandable LCD panel video screen (with only a small clump of bad pixels).
Then it occured to me… The Edge, formerly known as David Evans, has the coolest name of anyone on the planet. I thought Sting and Slash had cool names, once upon a time. They’re verbs….but The Edge… How cool is that? It’s not even something tangible. He’s just… you know… like an edge.
This is when I decided that I needed a “stage name”.
This is when I decided to become… Weather.
I’m not good weather or bad weather – just Weather.
Unfortunately, Weather.com is already taken, so we’ll be sticking to this URL….or maybe I can sue those guys. Weather isn’t just intellectual property. That’s my name! Don’t mess with Weather. Weather can kill you.
Hmmm… That could be a good Eminem song. <raised eyebrow>
Well, that’s my month in review. I need to stop rambling now. I’m sure that I’ve blown right threw the normal and recommended lengths for a blog entry. I’m looking forward to July, however… I expect to be having Mexican food in Mexico. Woo hoo! I’m hoping to make it to Todos Santos, maybe La Paz. And if I find the right piece of real estate, Tortola could become just an image in my rear-view mirror. Yeah, baby.
Until next week…
Have a great 4th of July weekend and drink plenty of fluids.