June 29, 2012
Welcome back my friends.
This installement of Archie Kobain is brought to you by…
And by that I mean that I had to have several shots of this fine Vulcan nectar, in order to write this week’s installment. By the way, if you haven’t had Don Julio 70, their Limited Edition 70th Anniversary tequila, you REALLY should. It’s magically delicious. It kicks Lucky Charms’ ass on being magically delicious.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
OK, so… At the risk of being ostracized by the G&L community, as a journalist, I feel that I have the responsibility to report the facts (or fiction) as I see them. Agreed?
So, not too long ago, I’m talking to a friend of mine who got himself into one of those awkward situations that most of us only dream of being in…or not. Somehow, he manages to be find himself at Disney’s EPCOT center, sometime near the end of May or early June during what they call, “Gay Days”. It is important to note that, my friend is not gay.
Nevertheless, there he is and completely unaware of the situation. Also, he is wearing a red shirt, which (apparently) is one of the outward symbols of comradery or general, uh, gayness….supposedly.
Well, next thing you know, he’s at one of the drinking establishments, uh – drinking – most likely at the Rose & Crown in the United Kingdom – and he strikes up a conversation with a couple of good looking ladies. Of course, they were there together. Yes, together like that.
Nevertheless, one of them is trying to pick up my friend. She tells him that she is gay, the other girl is her girl friend, but – get this – she has been thinking of “experimenting”. OK, that’s fine. But she’s hitting on my friend, thinking that he’s gay. That doesn’t even make any sense. If you wanted to experiment, you need a straight guy. Otherwise, you are trying to convert a gay guy, to experiment with – that’s not a very good experiment. That’s like trying to convert ham back into pork because you don’t feel like driving to your local BBQ joint… What???
About this time, my friend has figured out what’s going on. Now he’s trying to convince everyone that he’s not gay…but they aren’t buying this. After all, he’s there, wearing the red shirt, and talking to the lesbians. All the while he’s thinking – and I have to quote him…
“Trying to pickup lesbians, how is that gay?”
There are so many things wrong with that statement.
But at the end of the day, my friend believes that he has discovered a secret society, a subculture of closet heterosexuals within the gay and lesbian community. Think about it.
OK now stop thinking about it.
I’m going to stop before readers turn haters, turn lynch mob on me.
But speaking of people with unclear sexual preferences, if you’ve been with me for a while, you know I love Missy Higgins but I bet you didn’t know this… She had taken a few years off from making music. The articles I’ve read seem to indicate that she was suffering from depression and had even given up on music all together, in spite of her international success. Well, she’s back, and…
Our little girl is all grown up…
Missy has a new album locked, loaded and ready to go, “The Ol’ Razzle Dazzle”. It releases in the US on July 17th, with an album launch party at Le Poisson Rouge in New York City. See you there, Missy. Although, maybe I’ll catch you in Nashville or at Red Rocks.
Hey that’s pretty cool.
I called someone Missy, and that was actually her name.
OK, so… Be prepared to be blown away.
I promised not to talk about this song anymore, so I won’t say it, but…
Guess who Missy is touring with? Guess? And guess who she fills in for sometimes?
Did you guess?
Yeah… I’m definitely going to Red Rocks.
And yeah, that was Missy. Is she looking hot or what?
And just so we all agree, this Gotye guy, he’s getting laid a lot, right?
But enough about him and that damned song that I’m not supposed to be talking about. Let’s talk more about Missy. After all, this week’s musical guest is Melissa Morrison Higgins. And talk about hot, check out this video for a song from the upcoming album.
Here is Missy Higgins with Unashamed Desire…
You know, I auditioned for that…
“Hi. I’m here to get confetti out of Missy’s pockets.”
Does anyone else think it’s warm in here? Where’s Barnsley?
[Yelling off stage:] Barnsley! Can you call Homer?
I think something is wrong with the air conditioning. Barnsley?!!!
Well, alrighty then…
I think my work here is done.
I gotta run. Nothing personal. You know how it is.
Someone has to pay the bills around here.
See you next week, when we won’t discuss closet heterosexuals, we will not talk anymore about Gotye, but we might have to discuss strip clubs. A topic we haven’t hit upon in years. Giddy-up.
See ya – wouldn’t wanna be ya…