July 13, 2012
The Lord is coming soon.
Unmarked helicopters, hovering.
They said it was a weather balloon.
Note: Today’s episode of Archie Kobain was filmed on a closed track using professional drivers. Do not attempt this on your own.
And speaking of strippers…
My gig is up. That’s right – my true identity has been revealed. I must admit, I am a little ashamed of not having come clean earlier. After all, so many have said to me, “you look so familiar – where do I know you from?” But… No. I maintained my silence. Well, now it’s all out there in the open.
Undoubtedly, you’ve all recognized me from my younger days when I worked in the adult entertainment industry. On screen, of course. That’s right. It’s me. It turns out that I am not locked away in a Ukrainian prison and, despite the rumors, I was not killed in a bizarre New York fetish club accident involving three chickens, Scott Stapp (the guy from Creed), and Krysten Ritter.
Truth is, I started that rumor.
Besides, there were only two chickens. But I digress…
The bottom line is that, my identity has been revealed and that’s OK. Instead of hiding, I have decided to embrace who I really am. Therefore, from this moment on, I will only answer to my official porn-star name, Loco Helicopter.
I know. That’s the first thing that people ask…
“Loco, just what did you have to do to earn that name?”
All I am aloud to say is – rent one of my films.
Jesus, Barry & Joe…
OK, so I came across the strangest thing the other day. Someone had taken a piece of poster-board, some magic markers and made themselves a sign that said, “Jesus + Obama + Biden = Jobs”. Then they took this sign and affixed it to the trunk lid of their car using duct tape.
I know. I can’t believe I didn’t get a photo, either…
So, what is one to do with this great information. My first thought was make up my own sign and park next to them. My sign was going to contain some similarly arbitrary information like, “Krishna + Mandela + Gore = Gates”.
Name of a (somewhat) prominent religious figure + the names of two random politicians = the last name of a prominent technology figurehead. Of course, they went with Jobs, who is dead and I went with Gates, who is believed to still be alive.
Next, since Jesus didn’t really have a last name and we just knew him as - Jesus of Nazareth, son of Joseph, of the family of David – don’t you think they should have gone with all first names? Like “Jesus + Barack + Joe = Steve” …or in the case that they were actually talking about jobs, as in creating jobs or otherwise performing work, ”Jesus + Barack + Joe = Jobs”.
…but that leads to an entirely different set of issues. First of all, I think we can all agree that, if Jesus were here today, he’d be a republican. Don’t you think? How awkward would it be if he wasn’t?
In any case, I don’t think Jesus is looking for a job. He has a job. He’s been doing that same gig for a few thousand years. He’s locked into that job worse than The Pope. Obama and Biden on the other hand, I think they’re headed for the unemployment line (personally) but maybe that’s just me.
Isn’t someone supposed to throw a net over me if I seem to be headed off on a tangent with no point? Barnsley?
Musical Guest? Sure. We have time.
So you think you can dance…
You know how every once in a while, I put you onto a song or an artist and then you just can’t get enough of them? C’mon! You know it happens. Remember Yacht? …or Robyn? Well, get ready for Butterfly.
Butterfly Boucher that is – and that is her real name. Yes, really. And I’m totally addicted to her stuff. All her stuff… her music, her look. Oh, yeah baby. I likes me some Butterfly and I think you will too. Please enjoy…
From her recently released, self-titled album…here’s Butterfly Boucher and 5678!
Uh, huh? What’d you think? I know. She’s awesome.
So, get this. She co-produced Missy Higgins’ new album. True dat.
And if you’re like me. You want some more, don’t cha? Well, go buy her stuff.
In the meantime, here’s a little fun with Butterfly & Missy…
I know, right? I want strawberries and champagne. How is that gay?
What was your favorite part?
I can’t decide but I think it was Missy’s dancing.
Get your mind out of the gutter. B-man. Barnsley’s favorite part was, “two hot chicks on a bed with instruments, making noise”. Of course, he said it with his British accent, which somehow makes it seem less inappropriate.
And speaking of redheads…
One of my readers came up with a brilliant idea. He said, “Hey Arch (He didn’t know to call me Loco, at the time), Why don’t you have a Redhead of the Week”. I know. The guy is a genius. At first I thought it was a little too Mariachi Static but then I thought, isn’t everything?
We’ll be starting that next week. I was going to start it this week but today we’re going to feature Super Girl and I didn’t want her taking away any of the glam & glory from our very first Redhead of the Week. So, for now, enjoy this photo of what will mostly likely be our one and only ever, Super Girl of the Week…
Supergirl – everyone should have one.
…then, be sure to tune in next week for the launch of our exciting new segment.
Anyway, it’s time to wrap this thing up. We’re ending a another broadcast day. You’ve been a lovely crowd. You don’t have to go home but… well… on second thought, YES. Yes you do… Go home!