July 13, 2012
The Lord is coming soon.
Unmarked helicopters, hovering.
They said it was a weather balloon.
Note: Today’s episode of Archie Kobain was filmed on a closed track using professional drivers. Do not attempt this on your own.
And speaking of strippers…
My gig is up. That’s right – my true identity has been revealed. I must admit, I am a little ashamed of not having come clean earlier. After all, so many have said to me, “you look so familiar – where do I know you from?” But… No. I maintained my silence. Well, now it’s all out there in the open.
Undoubtedly, you’ve all recognized me from my younger days when I worked in the adult entertainment industry. On screen, of course. That’s right. It’s me. It turns out that I am not locked away in a Ukrainian prison and, despite the rumors, I was not killed in a bizarre New York fetish club accident involving three chickens, Scott Stapp (the guy from Creed), and Krysten Ritter.
Truth is, I started that rumor.
Besides, there were only two chickens. But I digress…
The bottom line is that, my identity has been revealed and that’s OK. Instead of hiding, I have decided to embrace who I really am. Therefore, from this moment on, I will only answer to my official porn-star name, Loco Helicopter.
I know. That’s the first thing that people ask…
“Loco, just what did you have to do to earn that name?”
All I am aloud to say is – rent one of my films.
Jesus, Barry & Joe…
OK, so I came across the strangest thing the other day. Someone had taken a piece of poster-board, some magic markers and made themselves a sign that said, “Jesus + Obama + Biden = Jobs”. Then they took this sign and affixed it to the trunk lid of their car using duct tape.
I know. I can’t believe I didn’t get a photo, either…
So, what is one to do with this great information. My first thought was make up my own sign and park next to them. My sign was going to contain some similarly arbitrary information like, “Krishna + Mandela + Gore = Gates”.
Name of a (somewhat) prominent religious figure + the names of two random politicians = the last name of a prominent technology figurehead. Of course, they went with Jobs, who is dead and I went with Gates, who is believed to still be alive.
Next, since Jesus didn’t really have a last name and we just knew him as - Jesus of Nazareth, son of Joseph, of the family of David – don’t you think they should have gone with all first names? Like “Jesus + Barack + Joe = Steve” …or in the case that they were actually talking about jobs, as in creating jobs or otherwise performing work, ”Jesus + Barack + Joe = Jobs”.
…but that leads to an entirely different set of issues. First of all, I think we can all agree that, if Jesus were here today, he’d be a republican. Don’t you think? How awkward would it be if he wasn’t?
In any case, I don’t think Jesus is looking for a job. He has a job. He’s been doing that same gig for a few thousand years. He’s locked into that job worse than The Pope. Obama and Biden on the other hand, I think they’re headed for the unemployment line (personally) but maybe that’s just me.
Isn’t someone supposed to throw a net over me if I seem to be headed off on a tangent with no point? Barnsley?
Musical Guest? Sure. We have time.
So you think you can dance…
You know how every once in a while, I put you onto a song or an artist and then you just can’t get enough of them? C’mon! You know it happens. Remember Yacht? …or Robyn? Well, get ready for Butterfly.
Butterfly Boucher that is – and that is her real name. Yes, really. And I’m totally addicted to her stuff. All her stuff… her music, her look. Oh, yeah baby. I likes me some Butterfly and I think you will too. Please enjoy…
From her recently released, self-titled album…here’s Butterfly Boucher and 5678!
Uh, huh? What’d you think? I know. She’s awesome.
So, get this. She co-produced Missy Higgins’ new album. True dat.
And if you’re like me. You want some more, don’t cha? Well, go buy her stuff.
In the meantime, here’s a little fun with Butterfly & Missy…
I know, right? I want strawberries and champagne. How is that gay?
What was your favorite part?
I can’t decide but I think it was Missy’s dancing.
Get your mind out of the gutter. B-man. Barnsley’s favorite part was, “two hot chicks on a bed with instruments, making noise”. Of course, he said it with his British accent, which somehow makes it seem less inappropriate.
And speaking of redheads…
One of my readers came up with a brilliant idea. He said, “Hey Arch (He didn’t know to call me Loco, at the time), Why don’t you have a Redhead of the Week”. I know. The guy is a genius. At first I thought it was a little too Mariachi Static but then I thought, isn’t everything?
We’ll be starting that next week. I was going to start it this week but today we’re going to feature Super Girl and I didn’t want her taking away any of the glam & glory from our very first Redhead of the Week. So, for now, enjoy this photo of what will mostly likely be our one and only ever, Super Girl of the Week…
Supergirl – everyone should have one.
…then, be sure to tune in next week for the launch of our exciting new segment.
Anyway, it’s time to wrap this thing up. We’re ending a another broadcast day. You’ve been a lovely crowd. You don’t have to go home but… well… on second thought, YES. Yes you do… Go home!
June 29, 2012
Welcome back my friends.
This installement of Archie Kobain is brought to you by…
And by that I mean that I had to have several shots of this fine Vulcan nectar, in order to write this week’s installment. By the way, if you haven’t had Don Julio 70, their Limited Edition 70th Anniversary tequila, you REALLY should. It’s magically delicious. It kicks Lucky Charms’ ass on being magically delicious.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
OK, so… At the risk of being ostracized by the G&L community, as a journalist, I feel that I have the responsibility to report the facts (or fiction) as I see them. Agreed?
So, not too long ago, I’m talking to a friend of mine who got himself into one of those awkward situations that most of us only dream of being in…or not. Somehow, he manages to be find himself at Disney’s EPCOT center, sometime near the end of May or early June during what they call, “Gay Days”. It is important to note that, my friend is not gay.
Nevertheless, there he is and completely unaware of the situation. Also, he is wearing a red shirt, which (apparently) is one of the outward symbols of comradery or general, uh, gayness….supposedly.
Well, next thing you know, he’s at one of the drinking establishments, uh – drinking – most likely at the Rose & Crown in the United Kingdom – and he strikes up a conversation with a couple of good looking ladies. Of course, they were there together. Yes, together like that.
Nevertheless, one of them is trying to pick up my friend. She tells him that she is gay, the other girl is her girl friend, but – get this – she has been thinking of “experimenting”. OK, that’s fine. But she’s hitting on my friend, thinking that he’s gay. That doesn’t even make any sense. If you wanted to experiment, you need a straight guy. Otherwise, you are trying to convert a gay guy, to experiment with – that’s not a very good experiment. That’s like trying to convert ham back into pork because you don’t feel like driving to your local BBQ joint… What???
About this time, my friend has figured out what’s going on. Now he’s trying to convince everyone that he’s not gay…but they aren’t buying this. After all, he’s there, wearing the red shirt, and talking to the lesbians. All the while he’s thinking – and I have to quote him…
“Trying to pickup lesbians, how is that gay?”
There are so many things wrong with that statement.
But at the end of the day, my friend believes that he has discovered a secret society, a subculture of closet heterosexuals within the gay and lesbian community. Think about it.
OK now stop thinking about it.
I’m going to stop before readers turn haters, turn lynch mob on me.
But speaking of people with unclear sexual preferences, if you’ve been with me for a while, you know I love Missy Higgins but I bet you didn’t know this… She had taken a few years off from making music. The articles I’ve read seem to indicate that she was suffering from depression and had even given up on music all together, in spite of her international success. Well, she’s back, and…
Our little girl is all grown up…
Missy has a new album locked, loaded and ready to go, “The Ol’ Razzle Dazzle”. It releases in the US on July 17th, with an album launch party at Le Poisson Rouge in New York City. See you there, Missy. Although, maybe I’ll catch you in Nashville or at Red Rocks.
Hey that’s pretty cool.
I called someone Missy, and that was actually her name.
OK, so… Be prepared to be blown away.
I promised not to talk about this song anymore, so I won’t say it, but…
Guess who Missy is touring with? Guess? And guess who she fills in for sometimes?
Did you guess?
Yeah… I’m definitely going to Red Rocks.
And yeah, that was Missy. Is she looking hot or what?
And just so we all agree, this Gotye guy, he’s getting laid a lot, right?
But enough about him and that damned song that I’m not supposed to be talking about. Let’s talk more about Missy. After all, this week’s musical guest is Melissa Morrison Higgins. And talk about hot, check out this video for a song from the upcoming album.
Here is Missy Higgins with Unashamed Desire…
You know, I auditioned for that…
“Hi. I’m here to get confetti out of Missy’s pockets.”
Does anyone else think it’s warm in here? Where’s Barnsley?
[Yelling off stage:] Barnsley! Can you call Homer?
I think something is wrong with the air conditioning. Barnsley?!!!
Well, alrighty then…
I think my work here is done.
I gotta run. Nothing personal. You know how it is.
Someone has to pay the bills around here.
See you next week, when we won’t discuss closet heterosexuals, we will not talk anymore about Gotye, but we might have to discuss strip clubs. A topic we haven’t hit upon in years. Giddy-up.
See ya – wouldn’t wanna be ya…