Doctor Cash Bar, Doctor Cash Bar…
April 29, 2011
That, of course, was Rock the Casbah, by the British punks, The Clash.
And I bid you welcome to the humble abode of Sir Archibald Mountbatten-Windsor Kobain of York, technically – New York… Kings County. Coincidence?
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And like the royals,
I insist that we break out the Pol Roger bubbly…
Of course, by the time you read this, the Royal nuptials will have passed. Perhaps the next time we turn on the telly, we’ll be back to hearing some late breaking news surrounding the death of Michael Jackson.
[Off stage, Barnsley is overheard saying:
“Oh dear, when did Michael Jackson pass?”]
So… I heard the Obama’s, possibly as a gift, represnting all of us in the U.S., brought the royal couple of box of CDs. CDs of American Hip Hop artists. This is wrong on so many levels.
I can already hear, “Catherine… How do we get these bloody things into that little box”. [Pointing to his iPod.]
And you know, I understand that, as a country, we don’t have much money, but I think we could have stepped it up. I think we could have given something unique, like Kanye West. Complete with transfer of nationality and birthplace, sort of like the birth certificate that comes with Webkinz, but containing some official presidential stamp and wording like: “Formerly born in Atlanta. New birthplace: Canterbury”.
Stick him in a big box… OK, fine – we’ll punch a few air holes in it. A little instruction sheet on what to feed him, grooimg tips like – How to put “artistic curls” into his hair.
Now that would be a gift.
And, normally, I would be worried that some reader, somewhere, with no sense of humor, would be thinking, “Archie… You can’t give away a black man, that’s racist.” No worries. I have that covered. You see, it would have been the Obama’s giving Kanye to the Brits. So it would be OK. It’s like Chris Rock being able to make all the black jokes that he wants. Besides, when it comes to those check boxes, I’m Hispanic. So… I’m playing the Paul Rodriguez card here and declaring that, I get to pick on everybody…. Bro!
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When there’s no future
how can there be sin?
We’re the flowers
in the dust bin
We’re the poison
in your human machine
we’re the future
your future!
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OK, once again… According to my Blog Consultant (and Bardenter), I’m supposed to make smaller, more often blog entries. As opposed to my, once a week, long and (often) drawn out installments.
Not sure if I can do that. My brain tends to accumulate things all week long. Then, the pressure builds up and … *** Bam *** It all spews out like a blown-up “deep water” Transocean rig with a busted blowout preventor thingy…
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Of course, that’s a picture of the explosion that may have caused that whole incident. Not so much a photo of the spewing. But a picture with fire always out-ranks a picture of spewing. Wouldn’t you agree? Plus, I’m still trying to figure out where to get one of those ships with a giant squirt guns to hose me down when it gets a little too hot at Bomba’s “Surfside” Shack…
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By the way, the last of the closed fisheries reopened in the Gulf last week, according to this Press Release from RestoreTheGulf.gov.
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I thought I felt your touch.
in my car, but no such luck.
No. I guess, it was just someone,
who felt a lot like I remember you do.
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Alright… Hot Pants! (That’s for my Old School followers.)
I guess it’s time to throw a few Gulf fish on the barbie…
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Holy crap…. Barnsley, my fish is on fire!
…and it smells like burning petroleum. Barnsley!
BP(F) Alert… Burning Petroleum Fish!
See? HAL and all those other people at Google aren’t so smart after all. I just Googled “What wine goes with burning fish”. I got nothing! Although, possibly relevant, the top entry was referring me to, “Cooking Help”.
Bing is suggesting that I have sushi. [raised eyebrow]
How am I supposed to make shorter blog entries. I haven’t even talked about anything yet. I haven’t even mentioned wine yet, I’m still hungry, my lunch is on fire, and so far… no one has managed to get me a pretty girl, in a cute dress, wielding a fire extinguisher…
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I love that word, “wielding”. It’s normally reserved for things like “a gun” or “a sword”. I like to use it for everyday things like, “the waiter returned wielding the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice”.
Well, I’m almost of time. Next time, I’m just jumping right into my topic of the day. No fish, no fires, no fungus. Hmm… Maybe mushrooms would go well with flaming fish.
Nope. I think I’m just going to send Barnsley over to the Moorish Cafe (in Darwin) – right by the water, past the Charles Darwin International Airport. I really like their Berber-Spiced Kangaroo Meatballs.
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OK, OK, damn it. I’m keeping it short.
I have to go anyway, the “Anything But Clothes” Party is starting soon.
Don’t want to miss that…
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I guess I’ll have to dig out my old Busch Man outfit.
Well, that’s it, my friends.
Fortunately I have disclaimed that this blog is about “mostly nothing”.
We really delivered on that campaign promise today.
See you next time.
– Arch
Hold me closer, Tony Danza…
April 21, 2011
You say it’s your birthday
It’s my birthday too, yeah
They say it’s your birthday
We’re gonna have a good time.
[Overheard off-stage, speaking in a British accent]
“I don’t undertsand. Is it Tony Danza’s Birthday?”No, no, Barnsley… It’s…
Oh, wait. Actually, today is Tony Danza’s birthday.
Born April 21, 1951, the old boy is turning the big six-oh today. Wow!.
This is going to require something…
I’m thinking something cool and crisp, with the smell of tropical fruits and tasting a little more citrusy than your usual white wine.
I’m thinking we need a New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc.
I’m feeling a bit Awatere Valley. Aren’t you?
I bet somewhere around here we have a 2009 Eradus.
Bring forth the Sauvignon Blanc Wine Goblets.
Let us celebrate!
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So, I’ve been told that blogs should consist of shorter, possibly more frequent articles. As opposed to my longer, once per week installments. Really? Thank you for this great information. We’ll take that under advisement. It’s just not going to happen this time because…
Although it was not my intention to make this “show” political,
These are political times that we are living in.
We have a President who hasn’t been able to make good on the majority of his campaign promises. Of course, the one I remember most was the promise of making capital available to small businesses. Well, it hasn’t happened. Instead, every small business owner that I’ve talked to, has had to personally dig into their high interest credit cards. They’ve run up balances which has cuased their credit ratings to suffer. They’ve taken loans against their 401K’s, which is costing them retirement dollars, or they’ve taken money from IRAs and had to pay early withdrawl penalties. This is an expensive world that you’ve created for us, Mr. President.
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Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
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Just the other day, I attended my Aunt Dulce’s 86th birthday party. Interestingly enough, inside / outside, several groups of people were discussing the U.S. economy. Doesn’t this bunch of Cubanos have anything else to talk about? Possibly. But there’s nothing more important. They know it and so should you. Of course, it may be too late to do anything about it.
So, I’m not claiming to be an expert in economics, credit, or finance, in any way shape or form …but some things are awfully simple. Let’s say that you were a really rich guy… If you were a really rich guy, you could spend a lot of money. And depending on how rich you were, you could spend more money than you took in, for a long time. Maybe years. But no matter how rich you are, unless you have unlimited funds – which no one does, if you’re spending “way too much”, sooner or later – you run out of cash. This works exactly the same way, if you’re a really rich country.
And if your really rich country can’t stop spending, even after it runs out of money, it needs to start borrowing money to support its spending habits …much like the average person with credit cards.
Well, if you don’t start paying off your debts sooner or later, and your creditors figure out that you’ll never be able to pay your debts, they are going to cut their losses and cut you off. This will be especially true when they figure out that you can’t even afford the interest – much less to ever repay the principal. This is what’s going on with our country folks…
We’re in deep doo doo.
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I’m checking them out
I’m checking them out
I got it figured out
I got it figured out
There’s good points and bad points
Find a city
Find myself a city to live in.
Ok, well…
I didn’t mean to bum you out on Tony Danza’s Birthday but I could talk about this all day long. Don’t even get me started on the trade deficit.
For now, all I can say is:
Happy Birthday, Tony.
Happy Easter, everyone.
– Arch
There’s a bathroom on the right…
April 15, 2011
Well, based on getting booed off-stage last week and audience members demanding their money back. I felt that we should start this week’s show with this message…
My Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour
Just kidding… Thanks, Charlie.
What a excellent week. People are digging my new blog and the weather has been spectacular with awesome gold and purple sunsets every night in Tortola.
In his mind, Archie lives in the BVI
Plus, the Internet has reached either a new depth of immorality – or – some entreprenuers have reached a new level of brilliance. You know that there’s a very fine line between those two. We’ll get to that in a minute.
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First, I need just a second…
Barnsley! [He yells off stage.]
I’m going to need a couple of chilled shots of Herradura over here. Añejo, please…and just a couple of limes.
No need to spooge up good tequila with salt.
Oh, by the way… Barnsley is back.
Can I have him get you anything?
Barnsley! [He yells, looking around confused.]
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I drank tequila and watched the game in the bar
I don’ t care who loses, I don’t know who the teams are
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Okay, Okay… Okay!
Get this… There a new dating website, designed…and this is their words, not mine. Don’t shoot the messenger. Okay… designed so that “generous” people can date “attractive” people. In other words, if you have some cash, you can pay an attractive person to go out with you. I know, this is not a new concept. It’s just new to the web.
So, I’m thinking that, if you are an attractive person or someone with a reasonable personality, whatever, you could probably get someone attractive to go out with you for free. Therefore, I’m thinking this translates to…
“Hey ugly people…come here where, you buy dates with atrractive people”.
This brings up a lot of question…
The first question is usually, “how does this differ from prostitution?”
OK. Settle down. I’ll field that one… Prostitution involves selling sex. Charging for your time (in a non-sexual capacity) is perfectly legal. Consultants, attorneys, etc., do this all the time. Right?
And of course, there’s always that gray area where, you got screwed by your attorney… And, YES. I think that is prostitution… So-to-speak… But don’t get me started on that. My attorney, for example, has never screwed anyone… “Hi Geoff.” 🙂 <whew>
OK, so where was I? Oh, yes… So what happens if you pay someone to go out on a date with you, things go really well, and she decides to take you home… Do you have to get your money back otherwise it could be prostitution? …or is the date transaction over and now you’ve moved on to a relationship? And in any of these cases, is the website your pimp?
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Don’t go around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.
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Then you have to ask… who signs up for such a website? Well, apparently, they had 10,000 people sign up within days of launching the site. So the answer is…all sorts of people. But seriously… Who wants to pay for a date and who wants to say, “oh yes… I’ll date people who I don’t find attractive, as long as they pay me”. I love this planet.
By the way, here’s the website:
http://www.whatsyourprice.com/
I love this…
Whats Your Price™, Everyone Has A Price™, Date Beautiful People™, Get Paid for Dating™, Get Paid to Date™ and Make Money Dating™ are trademarks of InfoStream Group Inc.
I also like:
Dating personals we support:
“Sugar Daddy Arrangements?” Hmm…
It’s not listed but I wonder of they support “Sugar Mama Arrangements”…?
I need me a Sugar Mama. Oh, yes. I’ve already picked out the sail boat for her to buy me, in exchange for…uh…”dating”. Yeah, that’s what the kids call it these days… “dating”.
But truth be told, I’m thinking of signing up.
After all… Everyone Has A Price™ 🙂
I’ve given my online dating profile a lot of thought.
Hot old guy willing to date “generous”, young, hot chicks. Looks are not important, unless of course, you’d like to go sailing with me on the sailboat that you need to buy for me. I’m almost 50, so don’t contact me unless you are at least 26. When someone says to me, “that girl is half your age”, I’d like them to be wrong (although, not by much). By the way, I normally charge $1000 for a date…however, Bonnaroo is coming up and I’m having a 50% off sale. Serious inquiries only.
Tell me what you think… Too subtle?
Well, look at the time.
I believe I need to do some actual work here today on this fine Friday.
Not to mention, “taxes”. I need to do my taxes.
I wonder what’s better… Going to jail for not doing your taxes or doing your taxes and then going to jail for not having enough cash to pay them? I know, it almost exactly like The Chicken or the Egg thing.
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I don’t feel safe anymore. Oh, what a mess
I wonder who’s watching me now…
Who? The IRS!
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Hey… Check this out.
I never knew the IRS would let you do a payment plan?
My apologies. There are a lot of jokes just hanging in the air here, aren’t there?
I just can’t get to them all. Besides, I don’t want them using this blog against me.
Shouldn’t IRS be capitalized.
What is an Irs Agent?
Really, Really… Seriously. I gotta run.
Peace my brothas and sistas…
Pronounced, “See ya next week.”
– Arch
Got a mooskag, so real?
April 8, 2011
I know that’s not what it says…
Because, why would it say that?
I’m a little depressed today. I had to fire Barnsley.
He brought me a 2009 Bodegas Montebuena Rioja (Cosecha). It’s actually a pretty good tempranillo.
I’m going to call it earthy, deep dried fruit flavors, for when you’re in the market for a heavy Spanish wine at a really good street price…around $11.
But I was in the mood for an Oregon Pinot and he should have known that. If I’m going top keep a bartender around, he needs to be a mind reader.
And you know what they say, “Once you go Noir…”
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Got motion, restrained emotion
Been driving, Detroit leaning
No reason…just seems so pleasing
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice
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Well, Tuesday was Qingming, better known as Tomb Sweeping Day.
This is the day when all good Chinese are supposed to visit the tomb of their dead ancestors and clean the area up, bring fresh flowers, and even set off firecrackers to scare away any evil spirits that may be trying to bother said dead ancestors. My grandmother couldn’t stand firecrackers. I’m sure that instead, she’d just make friends with the evil spirits, make them some Cafe con Leche. Then she’d tell them some stories about Cuba and convince them to not be so evil. But I digress…
Apparently, some Chinese claim to be too busy for this tomb sweeping ritual and have been hiring a tomb sweeping service…. they really do have everything in China! As you can imagine, many Chinese are appalled at those who even consider such a thing. But that’s nothing… someone is offering Online Tomb Sweeping. How does that work? Google it yourself. I don’t want to know and I’m not providing a link.
But this stuff is important… why?
Because by my calculations, by the year 2030, we’re all going to have to speak Chinese. At least enough to say, “please don’t repossess our country”.
But that’s atopic for another time…
Today’s topic:
Why Body of Proof is a much better show than any CSI or CSI-alike.
I don’t like most things on television. I don’t like bad acting, I don’t like implausible plots – unless it’s the point of the show. And even then, it needs to be a plausible implausible plot, which is why I love Fringe. …Bad Robot!
CSI, on the other hand, I can’t stand it. First of all, how long has it been on…
Wasn’t it originally on at the same time as Texaco Star Theater?
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Volare, oh-oh
Cantare, oh-oh, oh-oh
Let’s fly way up to the clouds
Away from the maddening crowds
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This means that, for all practical purposes, I can’t watch CBS – or – as I like to call it, The CSI Channel – All CSI, All The Time. But what triggered this writing is that, just the other day, I was railroaded into watching an episode of Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior. This almost led to an episode of the one episode show, Archie Hangs Himself. Now, I know that techinically Criminal Minds is not CSI…because I looked it up. But you know, it’s on the CSI Channel and it’s exactly like CSI. It has all the elements…. Bad acting, they stumble upon clues, some miraculous computer technology helps them along. It has the highly ethical driven guy, the brilliant & goofy computer nerd…who in real life marries her “friend” (with benefits)…
Then there’s that Forest Whitaker guy…
I bet he’s a really nice guy but how non-believable is he in this role? He comes off like this average guy who is desperately trying hard to come across like a tough cop who is personally moved by every case. Was he friends with the casting director? Does he just have that good of an agent? Admittedly, I’ve only seen the one show.
Remember, I couldn’t risk any more TV induced near suicides.
I’m not saying anything about the eye.
But I thought this was funny: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Forest_Whitaker’s_Lazy_Eye
What are the chances that he actually wrote in? Doesn’t matter. Funny either way.
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In the episode that I saw, they were trying to track someone down – imagine that. They knew the guy had gone in some particular direction. Let’s say…West. So they go West and stop at random diner somewhere along the way. What luck! The first person they run into, sees the suspect’s photo and, of course, tells them that the guy was just there and he was headed that-a-way. They noticed the car he was driving…everything. Does this really happen in real life? I know, I know…they only get one hour but it’s just ridiculous. (Kind of like spelling “ridiculous”. It think it should be “re”).
So the big question is, “why is Body of Proof so much better?” Sure, it has its share of non-believable characters but they make up for it with two words: Dana Delaney.
Note: That may not be a current photograph but, fear not.
I’m sure that whatever you need is still there…but we should gratuituously see at least one more picture of here, don’t you think?
Dana Delany, ladies and gentlemen…
Looking pretty damn good at 55.
Everyone should have one.
Maybe two or three if you live in Utah.
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When there’s no one else in sight,
in crowded lonely night,
Well, I wait so long for my love vibration
And I’m dancing with myself…
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By the way, Dana. I see that you were just on Jimmy Kimmel.
You’re invited here, to the Archie Kobain Show, anytime.
* sigh! *
Well, Dana or no Dana, that really is all the time that we have today.
Keep a bottle of wine handy. Watch Fringe – Friday Nights at 9pm ET.
Keep you hands off my Dana and I’ll see you next time.
Right here on the channel of love.
Cheers
– Archie
Hide yo kids, hide yo wife…
April 1, 2011
No. That is not an outdated headline!
Kevin “Antoine” Dodson is timeless. It’s never too late to enjoy Antoine (again).
See sure to visit All That Antoine for your Antoine Gear needs.
http://www.allthatantoine.com/
But let’s get to bit-ness! Where’s Barnsley?
[Shouting:] Barnsley, we’re back on the air! Barnsley?
[Looks around, as if expecting to find his favorite bartender, somewhere in the vicinity.]
Hmm? Well, I hope he’s somewhere hunting me down a bottle of Chehalem’s (2008) 3 Vineyard Pinot Noir .
(I’m saving the 2007 for Hurricane season.)
If you’re a fan of the Oregon pinots, you should be hunting down a bottle for yourself. Delicioso…
At the risk of sounding overly wine-snobbish, this is wine is a beautiful, ruby-purple pour, that I like to decant but will open up just fine in a nice pinot glass. The acidity is a little perky, which makes it NOT a good late night wine for me but a perfect vino to kick-off the show…
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I always knew we would end up just like this
So pour me one last drink with a final kiss
Things always end up in a mess
I’d love to tell you – “yeah, lets reminisce”
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So, instead of launching our “pilot episode” with the usual non-sense, I want to discuss something of great social and political import – Drugs & Personal Responsibility. Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I am huge on personal responsibility. My opinion is that, if you get drunk and drive off a cliff on the way to your home in the hills of LA, you shouldn’t get to sue the city because they didn’t put a guard-rail there. It’s not the city’s job to put up a guard-rail absolutely everywhere, where YOU might decide to drive off the road…but it is your job to not drive drunk.
(Of course, this excludes people who have been to Drinking & Driving School. Note: I’m looking for investors.)
Now let’s talk about drugs. Not even illegal drugs…let’s talk about oxycodone. I was recently reading an article, 8M New Yorkers, 1M Oxycodone Prescriptions, that reports prescriptions for oxycodone have doubled in New York City since 2007. Of course, no one believes that this many more people are suddenly and legitimately requiring this level of pain relief. Instead, they believe these prescriptions are being filled and, most often, the drugs are being illegally sold “on the street”. In the meantime, I need three forms of ID in order to get some pseudoephedrine.
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This was a beat with no words at first, it’s a blank painting
Exercising the mind, it’s brain strength training.
How about the Antoine Look-alike Dog? Classic.
I guess I have two problems with this whole thing…
1) Why isn’t the channel being held responsible? I remember being in a city once (I think it was Chicago), where someone had put flyers under the windshield wipers of everyone’s cars. But then I spotted a couple of kids collecting them, as people drove away and the flyers blew of the cars. As it turns out, these kids were being paid for every flyer they recovered (without actually taking them off of someone’s windshield) by the people who had made the flyers. The reason was because it was cheaper to pay these kids than to pay the city. If the city found your flyers lying around, you’d get fined about $20 per flyer. So paying a kid 25 cents per flyer to find them and bring them back to you was a bargain. The problem with the drug industry seems to be that, everyone along the way makes money, but only the guy at the very end of the supply chain gets in trouble when it is illegally used or dispensed. On the other hand, I bet if we fined the manufacturer every time we found their product being illegally used, things would change drastically. The reality is that, when the use of oxycodone quadruples, the manufacturer rakes in the dollars, ups the production, and either way, only the end user suffers. Something isn’t right there.
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You know, speaking of Antoine…
I still like the “heavy metal” remake, by Bleed from Within.
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2) Unless these prescription drug abusers are hurting others, why do we really care? This goes back to personal responsibility and the question, to what extent do we need to try and save people from hurting themselves? Maybe, similar to a duty free shop at an international airport, we should have a drug-laws free zone. Perhaps we can use an abandoned football stadium or a multi-acre farm on the outskirts of town. People can go there, do whatever drugs they want to do and stay as long as they’d like, that is…until their credit cards fill up or they run out of cash. Then we can set them outside, call the police and report them for being under the influence. In the meantime, they’d be off the streets and out of the way of the rest of us. Don’t ask me who would sponsor this, I’m happy to name the drug manufacturers by name.
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If you wanna hang out,
You’ve gotta take her out.
That last thing that I must touch upon is… Prescription Errors. Recently, while in Colorado, I overheard a news report about pharmacies using, what looked like, vending machines to release medications to their customers. The thought process is that the machines could avoid the human error of handing someone the wrong prescription. Of course, the prescriptions are still being filled by humans and loaded into the machine by humans. This story was running because a Denver woman was claiming to have taken medicine intended for someone else (while pregnant) due to a pharmacy error.
Again, where is personal responsibility? How far do we have to go to protect people from themselves? Who takes medication without knowing what they are taking? You get your prescription and you look on the label to make sure it’s for you. Then you look inside and check that little sheet that shows you the identifiable makings of the medication and you make sure you’re taking the stuff that was, again, prescribed for you. How hard is this? Every precaution has already been put into place. If you are given the wrong medication and you take it, the only person you need to sue is in the mirror. Suckah!
Well, that seems to be about all the time we have today.
Thanks for putting up with me all the way to the last line. 🙂
See you next time. Same Bat time, Same Bat channel.
[Shouting:] Barnsley.. Forget the wine, it’s beer-thirty!
Salud.
– Archie
Archie Kobain 