Archie Kobain

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You’ve got someone to blame…

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Well, that didn’t go as expected. The world didn’t end last Saturday, after all.
Now I’m having to walk home from San Antonio. Although, I may not actually have a home, anymore. I met some sucker last week who didn’t know the world was ending, and he gave me $5000 in exchange for a quit claim deed on my house. Fortunately. I didn’t spend it all.  I still have about 50 bucks. I’m sure I’ll be able to work things out, if I ever get back…

Anyway, I’m making good time. I should be in Louisiana by winter.

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Walk with electroglide on the Blue Highway
Wave below to Christ on my highway
Yes, I almost died on a Blue Highway

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Hot Chicks
I got an interesting question via “viewer mail”…

Dear Archie,
You seem to mention hot chicks quite a bit.
How do you happen upon so many hot chicks, all the time?

I’m really glad you asked this question because it does need some ‘splaining. The way I see it, there are basically three classifications for adult females (who are not related to you):

1. Wives of Friends – I don’t even know what these women look like. I don’t know if your wife is cute, I don’t know if she’s athletic, I wouldn’t even notice if her head burst into flames.  I’m not about to look at her that closely. If she goes missing, I probably can’t help you find her ’cause I’m not sure what she looks like. On the up-side, I’ll never be able to pick her out of a police line-up. Sorry – this is just how I roll.
2. Giant Assed Flight Attendants – Most commonly found on U.S. Airways, these are not the cute flight attendants who usually work in First Class. These are the ones who don’t really fit in the corridor, down the middle of the airplane. So, if you happen to be sleeping, in an aisle seat, as she is pushing the drink cart past you, that side-to-side swinging butt will smack you in the side of your head. As you abruptly awaken in a startled state, you may catch the trail end of an “excuse me”, now in the distance.
3. Hot Chicks – That’s right. If you’re not in either of the above categories, you’re a hot chick. I think that simplifies things, don’t you? When someone asks you about a female, and you’re not sure what to say, never again do you have to come up with politically vague answers like, “she has a really nice personality”.  Now you can just say, “she’s a hot chick”  (and, later, refer them here if they have any further questions).

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Are you saying that my 80 year old grandmother is a hot chick?
A: Yes and No. To me she’s a hot chick. I’ll even tell her that she’s a hot chick. She’ll love it – trust me.  You on the other hand, cannot call her a hot chick. She’s your grandmother you sick bastard.

Q: I have a giant ass but I’m not a flight attendant. What am I?
A: Hot chick. Remember, all Trans-Ams were Firebirds but not all Firebirds were Trans-Ams.  I’m not sure how that applies here but the bottom line is that, you are mostly likely a hot chick regardless of you ass size. Just don’t go and get a job on U.S. Air and subsequently wake me up, with your giant ass, while I’m trying to sleep.

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I’ve been singing with my band
Across the wire, across the land
I seen every blue-eyed floozy on the way

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Speaking of giant asses…

Dry Erase Pants
I had a colossal idea. First of all, I love whiteboards. I love drawing on them. I think in whiteboard.  I used to think in lyrics – I’ve moved on.  Now I think in whiteboard.  So the other day, I’m at a bar – there’s a big surprise – and I’m strategizing with some other alcohol enthusiasts, when suddenly, I needed a whiteboard. Bars don’t have whiteboards… They should, I know.

Next thing you know, a hot chick walks by wearing a pair of white pants. Sure. I thought of asking her if I could draw on them but bars also don’t keep markers handy.  I know – it’s like a hostile work environment.  But then, in a moment of brilliance, it hit me – Dry Erase Pants.

Think about this. Seriously… Wouldn’t it be great if there were people walking around wearing pants coated with whiteboard stuff, so that you could draw on them and then erase them?  So then you could be at a bar, you need to whiteboard an idea and you call someone over… “”Excuse me, could we draw on your pants?”

What can they say, “Of course…they are Dry Erase Pants! Have at it.” 
It’s brilliant. 

Naturally, you can pick who you asks according to the size of your project.
Ugh…  This just keeps getting better. Maybe we can get U.S. Air to make them part of their standard issue uniform for the giant assed flight attendants… Now, that’s what I would call Business Class!

And, how easy would it be to accesorize?
Picture a belt, with different color markers hanging off the back.
Handy… and … Brilliant, I say!

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She had a horror of rooms, she was tired, you can’t hide beat
When I looked in her eyes they were blue, but nobody home
She could’ve been a killer if she didn’t walk the way she do,
…and she do
She opened strange doors that we’d never close again

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i was listening to a guy from HP the other day. Eventually, I decided that I had no idea what he was talking about.  We were discussing Market Development Funds. This refers to when a manufacturer, such as HP is this case, gives you money for bringing them new business.  Well, suddenly, this guy starts throwing in an acronym, IBMDF…and I’m like… what?  This stood for Incremental Business Market Development Funds.  Of course, I’m thinking that HP would never have a program that sounded so much like something belonging to IBM.  So, after hearing IBMFD so many times, I start thinking, maybe I’m confused. Maybe this guy works for IBM.

Well, a little while later, after I was convinced this guy worked for IBM, he says, “and we can get someone from HP involved, if we have to”.  And I’m like, what?  Since when do IBM folks want to get HP involved? 

It gets worse.  A few more minutes go by and he starts telling me that whenever we go to use this program, the key is to make sure that we are comparing Apples & Apples.  So… I’m like… How’d Apple get involved?

At the end of the day, I have no idea who this guy actually worked for.
Luckily, I had my shrink ray with me. So, I shrunk him down to about a half-inch, stuck him to a piece of  3M heavy-duty double-stick carpet tape and attached him to a friend’s car. Last time I saw him he was headed East on Interstate 10 doing about 72 miles per hour on the hood of an old Chevy pickup truck. 

Speaking of heading East on Interstate 10 at 72 miles per hour, I gotta go.
See you next week, when I will be broadcasting Live from New York City.

By the way, my blog consultant, Barnsley, told me to never, ever make a blog entry with all text and not single photo.  So, here’s a picture of my friend, Stonesy, holding our Bonnaroo 2011 RV Parking Passes.  Woo hoo!

And, YES, we were at Wings ‘n Things in Pompano Beach.
And, YES, we were drinking Yuengling.
And, YES, I do love beer.

Gotta run!
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya…

– Arch