Archie Kobain

…and we’re back!

Miraculous, I know.  Everyone is telling me that, anyone getting hit by a virus these days is down for weeks.  So how did I recover in just a few days?  I will share my secrets.

1. Get everyone to leave you alone. If you live alone, unplug your landline and throw your cell phone in the pool. You are going to need uninterrupted periods of silence. No TV, no radio, no iPod. Trust me. Your body needs to concentrate on recovery not on Lady Gaga, and certainly not on Wham! or Air Supply.

If you do not live alone, you may have to coax your co-habitators into leaving you alone and providing you with silence. Depending on their level of stubborness, feel free to turn it up as high as an Excorcist/Poltegeist level, “Get out!”.  If you can do the full-circle head spin, that’s always a plus.

If they try to turn on the television, dont let them. Set the remote on fire. Do whatever it takes. No television! We don’t need subliminal messages entering your head during the recovery period.  I don’t want you to wake up days from now with a desire to own Chia Pets and/or Ginsu Knives.

2. Treat the symptoms. The symptoms are annoying as hell, aren’t they? And, again, they are a distraction. Your body can’t concentrate on purging itself of a virus while it’s busy dealing with coughing, sore throats, sinus headaches, etc. This is the main reason why we have to load up on medication and treat the symptoms. Trust me. This is coming from someone who is highly anti-medication.

3. When chosing medications, read the labeling carefully and be sure to take stuff that is known to knock you out. Remember you need the rest. If it’s OK to operate heavy machinery while using this product, you’re holding the wrong product.

If you choose NyQuil, be sure to take the right combination of stuff. If you have a stuffy head, make sure you take the one with a decongestant. If you are coughing a lot, make sure you take the one with cough stuff in it. They all look similar but have different stuff in them. it’s confusing as hell.

Personally, I like the one that has Acetaminophen, Dextromethorphan (Cough Suppressant), and Doxylamine Succunate (Antihistamine) – even though I’m really, really not a fan of antihistamines overall – oh, and 10% ALCOHOL. Gotta have the alcohol. Then, separately, if you’re having congestion problems, take some Pseudoephedrine. The real stuff.  Yeah, baby…  The kind you can use to make crystal meth, blow up your house, and further devaluate your neighborhood.  Accept no substitute. That other stuff barely works. 

By the way, it is totally insane that people make crystal meth to get high. READ THIS. 
Just imagine what could be accomplished if all that effort went into something productive.

Ah, but let’s move on…

4. Eat a box of Fat Free Fig Newtons.

I’m not sure if this is an essential part of the recovery process but, the other day when I passed out from my exhaustion, congestion, fever and Nyquil, there was a brand new box of Fat Free Fig Newtons near me. When I awoke, seemingly days later, after chasing those briefcase carrying nuns off the railroad tracks, the box was empty…and I felt much better. That’s all I’m saying.

5.  To get a really good night’s sleep, you gotta be able to breathe. For this, you need the worst thing that we have used yet… Oxymetazoline HCI, commonly referred to by one of its name brands, Afrin. The directions tell you to use 2 or 3 sprays into each nostril. I recommend, no more than 2. One good spray usually does it.

From the time you get a wiff of this stuff, you know it can’t be good. It starts burning out your nose, later you end up breathing too well and you start punching yourself in the face, trying to make it stop.  Crazy! I Know. 

Barnsley says I’m going to get sued by the drug companies…  Doubtful, if anything this might increase its recreational use… among the moron population.

Ah… Now we have a good cocktail of stuff going in our system. We are going to get some rest, visit some nuns, and we are on the road to recovery. Oh, yeah!

6. A day or two have probably passed by now and people will be wondering how you are doing…  Pretend you don’t know them.  “Who are you?  …and what do you want?”  If they persist, call the police on them.

When dealing with people at your house, you should pass out as much as possible, mid-conversation is best.  Then wake up three hours later and pick up the conversation from the same spot, as if unaware that any time has passed. First, you need the rest.  Feel free to pass out.  Second, this reinforces the idea that, you should be left alone, in silence, because speaking to you is, essentially, useless.

7. OK, we’re bringin’er home…
You’ve been flying high on over-the-counter medications for several days, resting a lot, passing out whenever it seemed like a good idea, and you’ve basically excommunicated yourself from friends and family. Perfect.

The final step is a bit of a slingshot. Something to push you way out over the edge and then snap you back into reality. Those observing will think you’ve totally lost it, then they’ll be happy and rejoice in your speedy recovery.

You’ve been recovering silently for days. Now it’s time to break the silence. But you can’t go with anything too normal or too familiar, you need to stimulate the brain. You need something so bad, that it’s good.  You need something so insulting, that it’s flattering.  You need your brain to kick into high gear to ensure that you haven’t lost your mind.

What you decide to listen to, you have to choose for yourself.
I chose Sport of the Future‘s cover of Sweet Child O’ Mine.

Whatever you choose.. Play it loud, play it a lot.  Love it.  Hate it!

Check them out on YouTube. They also cover: Eye of the Tiger, You Give Love a Bad Name, Bilie Jean, Karma Chameleon, Maneater and more.  Note: Be extremely careful when clicking around there. They do a cover of Material Girl – it is not pretty. That could be considered an overdose!  (Crazy, freakin’ Canadians.)

So, that’s it…
This was my formula for a quick recovery. Your results may vary.

By the way, in the three days that I was sick, I lost 5 pounds. Unfortunately, by following the methodology described herein, I got well right away, which completely foiled by new weight loss plan.  If only I could have been for a few weeks, I think I could have shed those other 15 that I’ve been trying to lose since 2001. Let’s be careful out there.

Thanks for watching the show. I have to run. It’s Margarita Friday somewhere.
But stay tuned, Barnsley has a few things he wants to say.

Love yas

– Arch

It’s all yours, Barns…  (Remember: Barnsley has a British accent.)
[Archie Kobain is not a medical professional and is in no way qualified to make any suggestions whatsoever regarding medical treatments or the use of any over-the-counter medications.  The materials contained in this blog are written for entertainment purposes only and should not be taken as advice, medical or otherwise. Doing anything that is suggested in this blog will most likely kill you. I guess you can’t sue us if you’re dead…but also, it might not kill you. So if you’re a suicidal looney bun and you’re trying to kill yourself, well – there’s no guarantees there either. But per this disclaimer, you should also not be able to sue us if you don’t die – or under any circumstances, in the event that you just end up really messed up, or insane, or looking at all like this picture of Boy George…]

There… That should cover us.

~ Barnsley Scott
Appearing as Legal Counsel & Bartender
for Archie Kobain Enterprises Worldwide
(not including Guam & South Dakota).