Archie Kobain

…I’m gonna roam’er in the night.

Instead of the stuff I had planned for this week, entitled, 
The Misguided Ramblings of an Alcohol Enthusiast in New York City,
I must report on my recent ordeal at the Hess Express in Lake Grove, NY…

Archie Leaks (Mostly in the batrhroom): The Hess/Reese’s Cables

You know how absolutely everything has a built-in camera these days.  So now, everyone can be part of “the man”.  I, personally, think it’s great. You Tube and Twitter are now beating all mainstream media to breaking news by at least 45 minutes. This is the world we live in. Cameras are everywhere.  People snapping pictures, for no apperantly reason, is a way of life. After all, digital photos are essentially free, as is broadcasting those pictures.

Well, today…here in June, I see that this Hess station is selling Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs.  We all know that those are usually only sold around at Easter, which was almost two months ago?  So what’s the deal?  Did these guys over-buy at Easter time and they still have some?   …or did the supplier have a surplus and these guys decided to buy them all up at a bargain price?  …do they have an expiration date? 

You’ll notice that the Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs does not appear under the standard set of products at the Hershey’s Reese’s website…
http://www.hersheys.com/reeses/products.aspx

Instead they appear under Seasonal Products: Easter
http://www.hersheys.com/reeses/recipes-and-ideas/seasonal/products.aspx

I knew I was onto something. So, I decided to take a picture of the Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs and “text” said photo to a friend, who is known to love Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs and hates the fact that (normally) you can’t get them out of season. I knew that my friend, with deep emotional ties to “the eggs”, might be able to provide some answers.

Suddenly, the girl behind the checkout counter asks me, “did you take a picture?”.
So…I’m like, “what?”
And she repeats, “did you take a picture?”
And I say, “yes…of the Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs”.
So she starts nodding her head in disbelief and signals to the manager. 
The manager, moves quickly to her side and says to me, “you have to ask first!”.
And I respond, “I have to ask before taking a picture of Peanut Butter Eggs?”
He then explains to me, in a somewhat pissy, Indian-American accent, that no one is allowed to take pictures inside the store, “It’s the company policy”.

The Company Policy?
What company?  Not my company policy?

According to Wikipedia, central source of all Internet knowledge, “The Company” could refer to The Society of Jesus or the Christian Catholic Order of St. Ignatius…but I don’t think that’s what they were talking about. Wikepedia continues to say, The Company could also refer to either the CIA or the Indian Mafia, “an organised body of criminals based in India”.  Hmmm…  Now I think I’m onto something. Maybe it’s a little of each.  The CIA and the Indian Mafia, possibly in an ellaborate plot to confuse Christianity, using the Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg as the conduit for their evil plan.

Well, one look at Hridayesh and Madhuri and I knew the CIA was off the hook. I wanted to know more but I didn’t have my passport with me and I knew there were only seconds before an white, unmarked, Mercedes G-Class would pull up, things would go dark, and I would wake up a few days later, wearing kurta pajamas,  in room with bare cinder block walls and a barred window featuring a distant view of The Haji Ali Dargah.

Kurta Pajamas

Pretending that I wasn’t on to his Indian mafia connection, 
I asked, “what company, Hess?”

He could see that I was lying, so to speak, but decided to give me a break. 
He smiled and answered, “yes”.

My first thought was to take a picture of him, then run to my getaway car. Of course, the people I was with didn’t know we were a getaway car. Plus, I think “the manager” had just turned informant. He wanted me to get away with the information that I had just stumbled upon. So…  I just gave him a look, as if to say, “your secret is safe with me”, but acknowledging that I understood all that was going on here with Hess, the Indian Mafia, the Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs and giving him my solemn pledge to expose this conspiracy to the world.  So I quickly gathered my purchases, ran to my waiting vehicle, and insisted that we “step on it”, as if I had just robbed a bank.  And, almost as quickly as we had arrived, our rented Dodge Charger became just another inconspicuous traveler among the Long Island traffic.

So, who is in on this?  Just this one Hess Express?  The entire Hess Corporation? The people at Hershey’s?  And, discounting the whole India connection, for just a moment, let’s ponder whether or not the Hess Corporation actually has any authority over anyone’s abilities to take pictures inside their stores.  My guess would be that, inside of a facility that they own, they probably have the right to allow or disallow the taking of pictures…maybe. Lord knows that if you show up with commercial cameras at a Disney property, the Disney police show up asking you for permits within 30 seconds. But really, seriously?  What kind of deep dark secrets do you suppose are lingering inside this oil company’s, gas-station-attached convenience stores, whereby snapping photographs is against company?  …to the point where the employees need to berate the violating customer?

You know who needs to enforce this company policy? Wal-mart.
I mean… Have you seen People of Wal-mart.com …?
There’s something that needs stopping.

Well, anyway, here’s the photograph…

Illegal Photograph

Resolution?  Well… I now feel obliged to encourage all my readers to visit your local Hess Gas Station, take pictures of dumb stuff, like Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs, and send those photos to me…  I will try to publish them here, unless “The Hess Man” is able to shut me down and I end up in Mumbai. In the meantime, maybe we will discover Hess’ deep dark secrets, maybe will we find out how they can get Peanut Butter Eggs while the rest of the world has to wait for Easter.

The truth is out there.

.

 Huh! I’m outta luck, outta love
Gotta photograph, picture of
Passion killer, you’re too much
You’re the only one I wanna touch

.

Maybe soon I can tell you about the rest of my NY trip.
Next week, I’ll be Bonnaroo Bound.  Bonnarooooo!

For now, I’m off…
Off like a cheap suit, Off like a Prom Dress…

–          Arch