Archie Kobain

So, I did a little time traveling last week.

Went back to July 21st, 1944 to see the U.S. recapturing Guam from the Japanese.  I wanted to get as few photos in time for Liberation Day.  On my way back I overshot 2011 and ended up somewhere in the future.

A time to be born, a time to die,
a time to plant, a time to reap,
a time to kill, a time to heal,
a time to laugh, a time to weep…

To everything…there is a season
and a time for every purpose, under Heaven.

You know what’s funny?  In the future, almost all airlines have gone out of business and the whole thing has been taken over by a joint venture between FedEx and UPS.  It’s called Fed Up Airlines and their motto is…

 “We’ve been delivering packages for years. How hard can this be?”

Now typically, time travel is illegal. That’s why most people don’t know that we can do it. Well, it’s not illegal now. It’s illegal in the future…but they made the law retroactive to now. Never mind. It’s complicated. What’s cool is that it’s only illegal for people to time travel.  It’s OK to send inanimate objects back as far as 24 hours. So, in the future, in the package delivery business, you can send stuff Next Day, Same Day or (for an extra fee) Yesterday.

Here’s the funny thing about Fed Up Airlines… They still have SkyMall. And if you see something you really like and maybe needed for the trip that you’re on, you can order it and get it back before you left.  Stuff just shows up at your house, and it has a note from you, in the future, “Take this with you”. 

Think of the problems this creates for credit card fraud.  You get stuff today, you’re credit card isn’t getting hit until you’ve ordered it tomorrow.  Of course, you can’t return it today because, technically, you haven’t bought it yet, but people try all the time.

So there I am time traveling back from Guam, reading SkyMall, and I see this ad.

Maybe it's time to outsource... your dating life.

This is brilliant. Of course, this was a silly ad for some dating services and they really just want you to outsource the procurement of dates. But I know a thing or two about outsourcing, and while their service might be a spin on just another dating service, what they said was brilliant.  We’ll talk about dating services later. Right now, let’s focus on outsource your dating life!

Let’s think about this.  When you outsource, you get others to perform the functions that you might typically need to perform “in house”.  The benefits of outsourcing include:  cost savings, access to expert talent, capacity and scalability, geographical diversity, reduced time to market, shift of responsibilities, shift of risk, shift of liability. Are you with me so far?

Now you could be married or single, gay or straight, a skinny bee-ach, or a single seatbelt challenged individual and you could still have a great dating life by outsourcing the whole thing  to someone else, maybe to someone in India.

I’ve embraced this (and you should too). Now when I meet a lady, I give her my card. Naturally, she calls me within a few hours. The number is answered, “hello…this is Archie”, by a guy named Amalendu in Maharashtra, a suburb just West of Mumbai. He then coordinates with the rest of my dating staff, located all over the planet. But I never even have to meet anyone. It’s all outsourced. I have an entire team dedicated to recruiting.  All information related to who I am dating, what we did on our dates, and any intimate details are documented and uploaded to a web-based portal, where I can log in and monitor my progress… and I never need to leave my living room.

Just last night I went on date with a girl with hairy armpits named Chantal in Rouen, a rich old lady named Bernice in Santa Marguerita, and a guy named Kevin from Santa Monica who was visiting Jakarta on business. Kevin was just a one night stand, so I’m deleting him from the portal.

Celebrity dating is no problem.  (Young hunk) Archie from Malibu will be taking out Ashley Tisdale next week, while another (less fortunate) Archie is checking into Amy Winehouse for me… but she has some kind of a Tony Bennett thing going on.

By the way, am I the only person who liked Ashley’s original nose better?

So, at the risk of giving away my giant money making idea…

Have you seen this dating service called, It’s Just Lunch…?  Who signs up for this stuff.  First of all, I get that lunch is supposed to be less intimidating but it’s also the most inconvenient time of day, with the maximum possibility for interruptions, and…maybe that’s what you want.

I think it’s a way stupid idea. I don’t want to have lunch with anyone.  And when was the last time that you met someone of the opposite sex and thought, “hey… I’d really like to have lunch with that person”.  Let’s face it, lunch is completely the wrong approach.  I, of course, have a brilliant idea.  My dating service will be called, Give it a Shot!  This ain’t lunch baby…  Give it a Shot!, the dating service for alcohol enthusiasts, recommends that you meet and immediately order shots…  Tequila?  Jagermeister?  Irish Car Bomb?  Oh yeah, baby…  Now we’re taking.  That date of yours is looking better already, isn’t she?

Brilliant. I know.
(Did that Space Shuttle go off yet?)

Well, I gotta run.
Am I late for a very importnat date?  Not really.
I don’t actually have my own dating service nor am I outsourcing anything.

So you can wipe off that grin
I know where you’ve been
It’s all been a pack of lies

At the end of the day, Archie is still holding out for a cute Irish redhead wearing jeans, a tank top, and Addict by Dior.  She’s got an unsweetened iced green tea from Starbuck’s in one hand and an iPod in the other, listening to Memory Motel by The Stones.  She’s probably never been to an auto parts store but when she takes the Benz for a ride, news reporters on the side of the road point to her as an example of a bad driver.  I have very specific tastes.

At Citi Bank we will meet accidently
We’ll start to talk when she borrows my pen

Oh, yeah… And she needs to have just the right amount of skank.
I should write a song… Eminem style.  The big question is, who is the black guy?

Now I really gotta run…

Lova yas

– Arch