How is that gay?
June 29, 2012
Welcome back my friends.
This installement of Archie Kobain is brought to you by…
Don Juio 70 – Top Shelf Taken Higher
And by that I mean that I had to have several shots of this fine Vulcan nectar, in order to write this week’s installment. By the way, if you haven’t had Don Julio 70, their Limited Edition 70th Anniversary tequila, you REALLY should. It’s magically delicious. It kicks Lucky Charms’ ass on being magically delicious.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
OK, so… At the risk of being ostracized by the G&L community, as a journalist, I feel that I have the responsibility to report the facts (or fiction) as I see them. Agreed?
So, not too long ago, I’m talking to a friend of mine who got himself into one of those awkward situations that most of us only dream of being in…or not. Somehow, he manages to be find himself at Disney’s EPCOT center, sometime near the end of May or early June during what they call, “Gay Days”. It is important to note that, my friend is not gay.
Nevertheless, there he is and completely unaware of the situation. Also, he is wearing a red shirt, which (apparently) is one of the outward symbols of comradery or general, uh, gayness….supposedly.
Well, next thing you know, he’s at one of the drinking establishments, uh – drinking – most likely at the Rose & Crown in the United Kingdom – and he strikes up a conversation with a couple of good looking ladies. Of course, they were there together. Yes, together like that.
Nevertheless, one of them is trying to pick up my friend. She tells him that she is gay, the other girl is her girl friend, but – get this – she has been thinking of “experimenting”. OK, that’s fine. But she’s hitting on my friend, thinking that he’s gay. That doesn’t even make any sense. If you wanted to experiment, you need a straight guy. Otherwise, you are trying to convert a gay guy, to experiment with – that’s not a very good experiment. That’s like trying to convert ham back into pork because you don’t feel like driving to your local BBQ joint… What???
Anyway…
About this time, my friend has figured out what’s going on. Now he’s trying to convince everyone that he’s not gay…but they aren’t buying this. After all, he’s there, wearing the red shirt, and talking to the lesbians. All the while he’s thinking – and I have to quote him…
“Trying to pickup lesbians, how is that gay?”
There are so many things wrong with that statement.
But at the end of the day, my friend believes that he has discovered a secret society, a subculture of closet heterosexuals within the gay and lesbian community. Think about it.
OK now stop thinking about it.
I’m going to stop before readers turn haters, turn lynch mob on me.
But speaking of people with unclear sexual preferences, if you’ve been with me for a while, you know I love Missy Higgins but I bet you didn’t know this… She had taken a few years off from making music. The articles I’ve read seem to indicate that she was suffering from depression and had even given up on music all together, in spite of her international success. Well, she’s back, and…
Missy Higgins
Our little girl is all grown up…
Missy has a new album locked, loaded and ready to go, “The Ol’ Razzle Dazzle”. It releases in the US on July 17th, with an album launch party at Le Poisson Rouge in New York City. See you there, Missy. Although, maybe I’ll catch you in Nashville or at Red Rocks.
Hey that’s pretty cool.
I called someone Missy, and that was actually her name.
OK, so… Be prepared to be blown away.
I promised not to talk about this song anymore, so I won’t say it, but…
Guess who Missy is touring with? Guess? And guess who she fills in for sometimes?
Did you guess?
<speechless>
Yeah… I’m definitely going to Red Rocks.
And yeah, that was Missy. Is she looking hot or what?
And just so we all agree, this Gotye guy, he’s getting laid a lot, right?
But enough about him and that damned song that I’m not supposed to be talking about. Let’s talk more about Missy. After all, this week’s musical guest is Melissa Morrison Higgins. And talk about hot, check out this video for a song from the upcoming album.
Here is Missy Higgins with Unashamed Desire…
You know, I auditioned for that…
“Hi. I’m here to get confetti out of Missy’s pockets.”
Does anyone else think it’s warm in here? Where’s Barnsley?
[Yelling off stage:] Barnsley! Can you call Homer?
I think something is wrong with the air conditioning. Barnsley?!!!
Well, alrighty then…
I think my work here is done.
I gotta run. Nothing personal. You know how it is.
Someone has to pay the bills around here.
See you next week, when we won’t discuss closet heterosexuals, we will not talk anymore about Gotye, but we might have to discuss strip clubs. A topic we haven’t hit upon in years. Giddy-up.
See ya – wouldn’t wanna be ya…
– Arch
Yotel, Boatel, Holiday Inn…
June 15, 2012
…if your girl start acting up, then you take her friend.
Word up.
That’s right… I’m back from my world tour of CT, NYC, ASPCA, NAACP and ISYIMD, TS-TS-TSA SWAK, Xs and Os – who knows what all of that means?
Not me that’s for sure. All I know for sure is that…
It’s good to be a Vulcan.
That’s right. I’ve returned to the ways of my Vulcan ancestors, the way I lived back before “the incident”. Today, once again, I attempt to live my life by reason and logic, without interference from emotions. Now, I know what you’re thinking… “You sure seem to have a lot of fun for a Vulcan?”
Of course, you are thinking this because… a) your entire education of my people and our culture came from watching Star Trek, which was, of course, a made for TV dramatization of what we’re really all about…. and 2) most people don’t realize that Vulcans have fun all the time…or at least we pretend to. It’s one of the ways that we interact with you humans, it’s how we get close to you and study you.
Studying humans in The Florida Keys
Another Vulcan myth is that we that do not drink alcoholic beverages, other than the occasional Vulcan Brandy – known here on Earth as Tequila. The truth is that alcoholic beverages have little affect on us but we do drink them on a regular basis anyway, particularly if we properly pair them with other beverages. This is why we, Vulcans, usually adhere to a very strict “beer, beer, tequila formula”.
I bet many of you are going… “ah… now it all makes sense”.
And you’ve probably figured this out by now but, the Margarita, which is based on Vulcan Brandy (tequila) is the most popular drink on our planet and present at most sporting events. That’s why, here on Earth, my Vulcan friends and I like to play Margarita golf…
I can sense a whole bunch of hate-mail coming from Trekkies in the near future.
That’s OK. It is what it is.
You’ll remember my words when I see you at Rumarie… (Look it up.)
La Manzana Grande
So, what I really wanted to talk about today was my recent visit to The Big Apple. In a last minute pinch for a place to stay, I ended up at the funkiest of funky Euro-wierd hotels… Yotel.
First of all, the whole thing was space age – perfect for a Vulcan, I know. For example, let’s say that it was checkout time but you needed them to hold on to your bags for a few extra hours. Well, no need to speak with anyone… Just give your bags to the Yobot…
Seriously. I can’t make this stuff up.
In fact, I heard they had a very hard time finding just the right robot for this job…
Next, the rooms are all referred to as “cabins” and the hotel’s front desk and central operation center is called Mission Control. When I was there, Mission Control was staffed by the a very efficient, courteous and “easy on the eyes” space alien named Yesenia. Seriously, she looked human but… Yesenia?
The one thing that I learned from my Yotel experience, however, was…
Don’t Use Booking.com
Their website is deceptive, they are liars and they lie!
When you book a hotel room on booking.com, it appears to be less money than other reservation websites. After all, it shows you the price, next to something that says, “total price for your stay”. Doesn’t it sound like that should be your total price?
Well, then you get an email that says something like… “oh, your total price doesn’t include your taxes or other fees that may be charged by the hotel”. Of course, they tell you that it’s all your fault for not reading the email they sent you.
I didn’t agree to have to read an email, did I?
All I saw was “total price”. I agreed to that. Then later it was hundreds more.
Deceptive…!!!
Then, later, I needed to check out a day early.
Yotel told me that I had to contact booking.com. No problem. When I talk to booking.com, they tell me that I can’t checkout a day early because Yotel will not allow changes to the reservation. Well, there I was standing at Mission Control, talking to Yesenia, who is telling me that just wasn’t true. Yotel just needed booking.com to issue a reservation modification code.
Booking.com – deceptive lying, liars – who lie. Do not use!
And I swear that I don’t have a gun
No, I don’t have a gun
Nirvana in Queens
No…not the band. Kurt is dead, rememeber?
I’ve discovered a little hippie nirvana, just minutes from the hustle and bustle of Manhattan at Marina 59 in Far Rockaway and it’s called Boatel. Got the idea yet? It’s a hotel/motel, at a marina, but the rooms are actually individual boats. Each of which was assigned to an artist for their personal touch, influence and decor.
Boatel NYC
Here’s a link to their website…
http://marina59.com/boatel.html
And here’s pretty good article about Boatel…
Boatel – Daily Mail Online UK
I know. My kind of place.
Now, when I say I’m going to NYC for a while, you guys will know where to find me.
And the place is filled with Hippie Chicks… Yeay!
I love it! I want to live there. Maybe I can be a snow bird?
Boatel NYC in the summer and Todos Santos in the winter.
Sign me up…
Also, speaking of getting in-touch with my inner-hippie self…
I’m never missing Bonnaroo again – never, ever, never.
They need me there. Don’t worry Roo people.
I will be there from now on – I promise.
’nuff said.
OK, so…
I hate to run but… I gotta run.
Peace out, my brothas…
– Arch
I’m back…
June 1, 2012
…back in the New York groove.
Yikes. Did someone just quote Ace Frehley?
So… to a certain degree, I’ve been studying the life of Ernesto “Che” Guevara.
And although, I cannot agree with his politics, thought process or methodologies, one can’t help but impessed with all that this man was involved in during his short 39 years on the planet.
Guevara, most often referred to as an Argentine Marxist, first trained to be a doctor. Then, still in his early 20s, he decided to take his medical skills on the road, on a journey to volunteer at a leper colony in Peru. During this journey, he was deeply affected by all that we saw along the way, including extreme poverty, poor working conditions and what he considered the exploitation of the indigenous South Americans. Mostly, he viewed this as inequaqlities between the “haves” and the “have nots”. He further saw this as capitalist taking advantage of those who were not-so-capitalistic.
This thinking, of course, eventually led Che to become a political activist and revolutionary. He saw socialism, followed by communism as the clear path to equality for all and he saw the United States as the big capitalist puppet master and international bad guy, who promoted global inequalities by way of money hungry businesses and/or business people.
Guevara eventually became Fidel Castro’s right-hand man. Essentially, second in command during the revolution which ousted Fulgencio Batista and positioned Castro as Cuba’s new leader.
What a lot of people don’t realize is that Batista was not necessarily a nice guy in the grand scheme of things. He was a dictator. Although he wasn’t a Sadam Hussein level bad-guy dictator. He was nevertheless, viewed as promoting huge inequalities among the classes and he was certainly identified by many as a puppet of the United States. This, of course, was the perfect revolutionary ground for El Che, as he was frequently called.
Guevara went on to try and effect change in other South American countries (like Bolivia) and was eventually assasinated in 1967. His death is pinned on the CIA.
Personally, I don’t think he would have like what Cuba became. When Castro first took over, land was taken from the wealthy and redistributed among the population. This was supposed to be the beginning of true communism. At the time, Cuba had an economy. They exported sugar and tobacco and had a thriving tourism industry. Unfortunately, most of that is gone now. There is certainly equality among the people – no one has anything. That includes food, clothing, and reasonable shelter. It’s no surprise to me that many believe that later, around 1963, Guevara was involved in a plot to overthrow Castro.
So, at the end of the day, some considered Guevara a hero. Other considered him a villain. I guess he was probably both. Certainly his methodologies make him more of a villain. But the lesson here has really nothing to do with Guevara. As were given the same lesson during the opening credits of any Knight Rider rerun…
“One Man Can Make a Difference”
Isn’t it insane that here in America – the land of the free, we believe those words. We believe that one man (or woman) can make a difference. Yet, everyone you talk to believes that our political system is broken but no one can fix it. Be sure to pronounce that properly… No…ONE…can fix it.
True. No ONE person can fix it, but maybe one man can still make a difference. Maybe ONE man with a plan. Maybe one man with a plan to throw out all the things that don’t belong in American politics, united Americans on common grounds (instead of focusing on the things that divide us), a coalition of common people from all walks of life, representing every political party – and then… Once there are enough of us… Then we can fix it.
Are you with me?
By the way, part of my plan is that all speeches from the White House will be accompanied by a musical guest. Unfortunately, we have no musical guest here today because I’m totally out of time (and out of town), and running late and… I gotta go.
Of course, there’s always time for one photo of hot chicks…
Hi Girls…
I know what you’re thinking. “Are those real?”
Yes. Of course, they are real girls. They aren’t avatars!!??
I love New York City.
OK, See you next week… I still need to catch you all up on my Key Largo boating excursion, Return of The Jedi (just kidding – we’re not going to discuss that… uh… movie), now there’s NYC… oh and now I may be launching my own political movement. After all, maybe ONE MAN can make a difference?
Ugh… So much to do and only one of me. Rggghhh!
Gotta run. Love yas
– Arch
Archie Kobain 