Archie Kobain

Where did he go?
Where did he go now?
Where did he go?  (Sweet Archie)
Where did he go now?

I’ve been busy!

To start with, Barnsley got me a new T-shirt and now,
everywhere I go, I seem to have nothing but friends…

And for some reason, everyone calls me Archie F*#cking Kobain.
Barns has tried explaining it to me but I don’t think I get it.  I think it’s a British thing.
Maybe I can figure it out before next year when we go to Glastonbury!

So, I completed my tour of the lower tri-state area: Florida, Georgia & Tennessee.
Then, I completed my tour of the upper tri-state area: Connecticut, New York & New Jersey.

The thing is, you really can’t take trips like that without coming across giant piles of stupidity.  So much so, that I was going to start a series of articles called:  There’s no OFF position on the stupid switch.  Since thinking that I was going to do that, however, I’ve come across so much stupidity, that I don’t think I can do it.  To a certain degree, I am afraid of looking that much stupidity in the eye for fear that it too will be looking into mine.

So, just today’s big stupid thing…
One of the most Catholic people I know is planning a wedding.  Here’s a 40-year-old lady who goes to church every Sunday, sings in the church choir, teaches Sunday school and has never lived with a man, deeply taking to heart most of the teachings of her church.  Will she be married in a Catholic church?  No… because the man she is marrying has been married before and, therefore, the church will not marry them.  Her priest is willing to marry them, just not at a Catholic church.

Now, I’ve always quote Frank Zappa when defining religion as, “foolish rules of ancient date, designed to make us all feel great, while we fold, staple and mutilate, those unbelievers from a neighboring state”.  So wouldn’t you think that after 50 years of declining numbers, the Catholic church might want to revise it’s practices and get into the 21st century?  Enuff said.

Millionaire in Training…
You know, I always thought for sure that I was going to make millions on something completely ridiculous, like the next Pet Rock or maybe a dumb T-shirt with a picture of Bill Murray on it, but instead, it looks like I’m going to be making my next million the old fashioned way.  That’s right, I’m going to develop an app that integrates with Facebook and millions of people will pay me to use it.

Here’s how it works.  1) You download the app and sign up for our service which cost about $100 per month.  I know, it sounds expensive, but wait until you hear of the tremendous value that is attached to our app.  2) You integrate our app to your Facebook account.  3) We analyze your Facebook account and ask you a number of questions having to do with your Facebook friends.

Once the integration is complete and our database is updated, the service begins.  Now, anytime that one of your Facebook friends shares anything from Farmville with you, we look your friend up, positively identify them from their photos, and dispatch someone from our field support team to beat the crap out of them.

Soon we’ll be able to also beat the crap out of people who make request via Coasterville, Dragon City and, of course, Birthdays!

Is this not the best $100 per month that you could ever spend?
I know. I’m a genius.

Redhead of the Week…
What?  I did not say we were going to do an entire year of non-redheads!
Are you sure…

Ugh…  Barnsley is making stuff up again.

Doesn’t matter. I make the rules here.  It’s my god-damned law firm!

Besides, when someone this cute comes around, all bets are off.
So, is it just me or is the New Wendy’s Girl about the cutest chick to ever be on television?
Instead of watching TV shows, I’m trying to figure out which channels Wendy’s advertises on.
I don’t care about rioting in Cairo, get to the damned commercial.

I called the Tivo DVR people up.  They thought I was insane.
They’re like no, we have no way for you to automatically just tape Wendy’s ads.

So who is this hot chick Redhead of the Week?  Morgan Smith Goodwin

Morgan Smith Goodwin

I’m not worthy.

Did anyone else’s heart rate just go up?

Normally I would make a joke here like, “Morgan – call me.”
But really, don’t….  Also, no prank calls claiming to be Morgan.
I’m getting older.  I could have heart failure.

Seriously, no goofing around.

Morgan Smith Goodwin

Where did you get this picture, Barns?
Look, whatever it is that she’s doing in that picture…  I don’t want to know.

Let’s change the topic. I’m having like hot flashes over here.

Quick let’s go to something anti-climactic!

Speaking of medical conditions…
I had to go in for a check-up the other day. These people are so contradictory!
They said, “if you’re taking any medications, be sure to bring them with you”.
Then I get there and they’re like, “why do you have a bottle of tequila with you?”

I don’t understand doctors.

And on an almost sad note…
I must end this week’s engagement with a near death in the family.
This time, however, it’s not a hot chick.  It’s actually an ugly lad…

The Ugly Mug in Delray Beach, Florida – the quintessential dive bar of dive bars – is closing.
The property owner just said, “no!” to renewing their lease.  I hate Illinois Nazis!

Philly Cheese Steak Sandwiches, Guns & Roses on the Jukebox – where do we do now?

Don’t worry.  Be happy…
Although it may not be the same after having been in the old location since the beginning of time, the good news is that the owners of “The Mug” have secured a lease on a new location.

So, a number of days after being nailed to the no-lease-renewal cross, The Mug plan to resurrect in a not-too-far-away location.  Near a Home Depot?  Near an Applebee’s?

The old location will undoubtedly be leveled to make room for something not-so-ugly.  That sucks.  Sometimes ugly is exactly what you need.  I’ll put $5 in the jar when needed.

Rest in peaceful ugliness Old Mug Location… You were awesome!

Oh, and don’t worry Stones…  Your Mug is in safe hands!

That’s all I have for today.
Seriously…  That’s it.  I gotta go.

See ya!

– Keep Calm, Arch on!