It’s just you…
October 5, 2012
against your tattered libido,
the bank and the mortician, forever man…
and it wouldn’t be luck if you could get out of life alive
Red or white?
This quiet period thing is crazy. How can I possibly keep quiet after that presidential debate?
I guess I have to say, I don’t like either one of these guys – but Obama really needs a few lessons in economics. I mean… Harvard has an economics department, he must know someone over there. Make a few phone calls, Barry. Go to a fraternity party.
Do some butt chugging! What in the world is that?
Don’t worry. If this hasn’t caught on at Harvard, I can introduce you to some Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity members at University of Tennessee. Uh… I hope you like wine. Do you suppose it really matters if it’s a merlot, a cabernet or maybe a nice un-oaked chardonnay?
http://gawker.com/butt-chugging/
Be sure to watch the press conference video at the bottom. What a riot! Do you think they had a bet going on? How many times can we our attorney to say, “butt chugging”…?
Shhhhhh…!!!
OK, back to my quiet period… That only pertains to the elections, right?
It doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t still try to fix America – even during our quiet time. Right?
I’m getting back to basics. The American political system is one giant clunker but it’s worth restoring. I just keep asking myself, how do we do it? How do we fix this monster? And I think the answer is to take it one step at a time. If that’s the case, I think first of all – we need to get the money out of politics. I believe this is the central component that has grid-locked our political system and fueled the focus on partisanship instead of focusing on America. Not to mention the fact that instead of getting anything done, our politicians have to spend 85% of their time fundraising. Is it any wonder why nothing gets done in Washington?
Next, we’ll work on really getting religion out of politics.
Third, we’ll ensure equal rights and equal treatment for all.
Somewhere in there, we have to get out finances straight. I believe America has borrowed beyond its ability to ever repay its debts. At this point, our creditors are probably OK with that. If we can’t even make principal payments, our creditors will be collecting interest forever. This was probably good investment on their part – but bad for America. We have to figure this out. We have to work on our trade deficit. And we have to not only balance our budget, which only stops the monetary bleed, but we have to figure out how to pay-down and pay-off our multi-trillion dollar debt.
We will get it done!
And here’s a great start… I hate the name of this organization, by the way, because it sounds like just another PAC. But it’s not… trust me. This is the real deal Check it out…
http://act.unitedrepublic.org/event/founder/create/?akid=200.101266.2oQryF
Part of what I love about this is that, getting money out of politics is something that everyone should agree on. It’s not good and no one, other than wealthy special interest groups, could possibly think that it’s a good idea. So this could also be our first step to unity, getting the majority of our country together on common ground and maybe, eventually, overthrow those two political monsters that do nothing other than divide us.
I love this: Conservatives. Progressives. Independents. Together!
Let’s get this done.
No ands, ifs, or buts …or butts! No chugging butts! Not even small butts.
And speaking of small butts…
Have you been watching Sons of Anarchy? If so, you’re probably wondering who that high priced call girl was. You know, the one Gemma beat the crap out of last week and she was back this week, riding around on the back of Jax’s bike. She looked familiar, huh?
That’s because it was Ashley Tisdale gone “breaking Disney”.
I know. It seems like just the other day we were waiting for her to turn 18.
Next thing you know, she’s 27 and hanging out with the boys from SAMCRO.
This is Barnsley’s favorite photo…
Wow. I like boots.
But 27… Soon she’ll hit the big three-oh and then she’ll just be too old for us, Barns.
What will we do? Fear not, my friend. Let Ashley go… Let her walk towards the light.
I have us all hooked up with Julia, a 22 year old from the Ukraine.
Julia & Archie
By the way, it’s pronounced Yulia.
OK, let’s move on to bigger butts.
You’ve got the biggest butt I’ve ever seen…
So, I went on a Carnival Cruise last weekend. As a general rule, Carnival seems to have somewhat of a reputation for being a little lower budget and a little lower class than some other cruise lines. I will neither confirm of deny such a rumor, but I will say this…
Many years ago, I was listening to live entertainment, as I often do, at a little watering hole in Lake Worth, Florida. The lead singer introduced a song by telling us that it was a love song which had been written by his black roommate for his black roommate’s girlfriend. After these many years, I can still recall that it went something like…
Ooooh, baby…
You’ve got the biggest butt I’ve ever seen.
It’s so big, and round, and brown.
I never really understood this song until last weekend on my Carnival cruise. But then, I’d never seen butts the size of the ones that were on this ship. Good Lord! They were blocking my view of the hot chicks, casting shadows… and, as if predicted by the prophets, many of them were big, and round, and brown. Biggest ones I’ve ever seen. Not that there’s anything wrong with that – a person’s butt size preference is their own personal business.
Right Next Door to Hell…
Since we’ve been talking about asses, I could make a joke here – but I won’t do it.
I love this guy. He’s really my brother from another mother and one of America’s great singer songwriters. Well, after 20 years of refusing interviews, on October 24th, Axl Rose will be making an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel.
I think that deserves making him Redhead of the Week…
Axl Rose
So, set your Tivo!
I know. I’ve already called my friends at NBC. It doesn’t look like they’re getting me tickets.
Axl and his band, by the way, are taking up residency at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas, where they will be doing multiple shows from the end of October through early December, as I recall. That may be worth going to see. Anyone up for a Vegas trip?
And now, My Letter to Axl…
First, I love you brotha! Thanks for the music I still listen to everyday. Next, I understand that you own the name Guns & Roses but you should really consider retiring that name. To most people, when they hear someone say Guns & Roses, they are thinking of the original line-up, not the current band. I would absolutely go see Axl Rose in Concert, but I’m not sure that I would go see Guns & Roses today because – it’s just not Guns & Roses. That’s all I’m sayin’.
I also have some thoughts surrounding your appearance on Jimmy Kimmel.
But I won’t insult your intelligence – that’s what your publicist is for.
And just for you Axl, I picked out this real redhead of the week…
Redhead of the Week
Oh, no… I have no idea what that is that she’s wearing.
I just thought Axl would appreciate it.
That’s all for today. You be well.
Nice to meet you, Yubee.
– Arch
The perils of Rock n’ Roll decadence…
July 20, 2012
Charlie Sheen, I don’t like you…
with your bitch-slap rappin’
and your cocaine tongue,
you get nothin’ done
Last Tuesday, Hollywood was a-buzz with rockers as former Guns n’ Roses guitarist, Slash, was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. How cool is that? I mean, Slash seems like a stand-up guy, his multiple musical projects are killer and it’s pretty awesome to see someone from the serious rock era, someone who has said – “I didn’t have a battle with drugs and alcohol, we had a great time”, being added to the list of “greats” along side the likes of Joanne Woodward and Burt Lancaster. So, a big congratulations goes out to Slash both for his accomplishments and for a well-played hand in the entertainment industry game.
But you know how every one of us (mostly guys) have that friend? You know the one. The friend who makes everyone wonders why you are friends with that person. No one just comes out and just asks you about him – which is good because, most likely, you don’t have a good explanation. Well, Slash has Charlie Sheen.
No doubt, Sheen is a funny guy. That is, as long as he isn’t writing his own material. Well, a number of folks were there, on Hollywood Boulevard, in front of the Hard Rock Cafe, to “honor” Slash. Steven Adler was there, Myles Kennedy was there and, of course, his old pal Charlie Sheen was there and, for some unknown reason, he was allowed to speak. Sheen actually got semi-serious and said some nice things about his long time friend and neighbor. But in his opening joke, he had to take a stab at Alx Rose, saying, “It’s quite fitting that Slash is getting a star on the very street Axl Rose will one day be sleeping on.”
Seriously…
Look who is talking?
So, I have to say that the whole Slash & Axl thing is quite unfortunate. These two guys were the front men of what was, potentially, the greatest rock band in history. Let’s face it, no one before them or since has been the whole package. These guys were unique, a one of a kind, limited edition blend. They had the talent, the look, the attitude, and reputation that made them the definition of Rock …and the music speaks for itself.
Deep down, I care don’t whether Axl and Slash ever speak to each other or not. The only real tragedy here is the music. You could say that, we the kids, really miss the days back when mom & dad where together and our family outings were the Superbowls of Rock.
Now, Axl seems to get criticized a lot just for being Axl. He’s always been accused of interacting poorly with his fans, his girlfriends, band mates, record companies, the media – pretty much everyone.
Sound familiar, Sheen?
But none of this changes the facts. It was Axl Rose who assembled the band in the first place and it was Axl’s song writing and unique vocals that put Guns n’ Roses on the map and on everyone’s radar. Without that, Slash might not be getting that Hollywood star. Hell, without Guns n’ Roses, I’m willing to bet that Slash would be not that well-known and certainly wouldn’t enjoy the popularity that he has today.
Under the circumstance, Sheen… I think your joke was inappropriate and I bet Slash would have been classier than to slam Rose at this public forum and for the sake of a joke. You are an idiot. And the reality is that, other than Slash, maybe, letting you stay at his house, you (Charlie) are way more likely to be sleeping on that street someday. Not that he’ll ever need to, as I hear his Malibu home, where he’s lived for the past 20 years, is doing just fine – but Axl could always come stay at my house.
Maybe he can be my friend? You know, the one who everyone wonders why I’m friends with him. The BonnaBros would be like, “oh, no… Archie is bringing Axl to Bonnaroo.” But you know, I bet at the end of the day, he’s just another one of us. I’m sure he does some whacky things now and then, we all do. Nevertheless, we are brothers. Brothers without a common parent. Brothers who’ve never met…but our mom’s name is Rock.
And you know, brothers don’t always get along, brothers don’t always agree on things but that doesn’t make us not brothers. And when you pick on my family, Sheen, you pick on me. So, don’t antagonize me…
You wanta antagonize me?
Antagonize me motherf****r
Get in the ring motherf****r
And I’ll kick your bitchy little ass
PUNK!
I could see hanging with Axl. Maybe we can go down to Todos Santos, hang with my three dogs (Stones, Jobs & Big Cannon) and our three actual dogs (Tim, Taylor & Steve), cook a little fresh seafood that we got from back of some Mexican lady’s pickup truck. And, as hard as this might be for me to do, I even promise not to listen to Gn’R too much. Instead, we’ll just talk about fun stuff like fishing, golf, and hot chicks.
That’s all I’m sayin’, after all…
Nothing lasts forever
and we both know hearts can change
…which brings us to today’s musical guest, Sungha Jung.
So, I’ve read everything that all the haters have to say on You Tube and, you know who sucks? You. You suck because you’re mad that this Asian kid is a better guitarist than you’ll ever be, even if tomorrow morning you quit your job at the deli-mart, moved out of the trailer park and practiced playing guitar every day for the rest of your life.
Also, covers are not supposed to be exactly like the original. That’s one of the things that I look forward to in my pathetic journey toward learning guitar… I hope to someday play well enough to, not just play a song and have others recognize what I’m playing, but also to alter the songs and give them my own flavor. That would be Archie Flavored Guitar Songs – the name of my first album.
Well, as many of my followers from over the years have come to know, November Rain has always been a special favorite of mine and, possibly, my all time favorite Guns n’ Roses song. Well, Sungha Jung‘s cover of November Rain is nothing short of a masterpiece.
Here it is…
I know. I got a little teary-eyed there for a moment too. I love this guy. He’s a 16 years old South Korean and he’s awesome. He has over 500 videos on YouTube. Check him out.
Oh, by the way, Charlie… Axl wrote that song.
Wanna see one of my favorite performances of November Rain by Gn’R?
Here’s the scenario. It’s the 1992 MTV Video Music Awards. This is back when MTV was a music channel, instead of a bullshit channel. VH1 was called VH-1: Video Hits One and they only played the more sedate music. MTV2 hadn’t even started broadcasting yet because, like I said, MTV was still a music channel. Guns & Roses was at their high point and got to perform the closing number with Elton John joining Axl on piano.
You could say, they were kind of a big deal. Enjoy…
Do I even need to say anything?
Yeah… Probably not. So, enough said.
Give it all and ask for no return…
This Tuesday wasn’t nearly as good of a day for Rock n’ Roll. Jon Lord, founding member of Deep Purple, who also played with Whitesnake, died at the age of 71. Maybe now the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame will consider inducting Deep Purple? It’s getting a little like Nashville around here.
They’re playin’ his records all weekend
Praisin’ the life that he lived
Nashville is rough on the livin’
But she really speaks well of the dead.
We’ll miss you, brada.
I used to love her…
Also this Tuesday, there were a couple of albums released that I was looking forward to. The first was Missy Higgins but, I’ve talked enough about her lately. The other was Someday by Sussana Hoffs.
On Monday evening, Sussana staged a little pre-release interview and samples from her album at the Grammy Museum, finishing up her set with a cover, Rockpile’s Teacher, Teacher. I’m pretty sure when she sang, “Teacher, Teacher, teach me love”, she was signing right to me.
So, is it just me or, at age 53, is she not still adorable?
I know, crappy BlackBerry photo.
Sorry. Trust me… Adorable.
And Suzi, I’m am going to play the sh*t out your new album.
It’s awesome. Thank you!
OK, guilty. I didn’t “used to love her”, I still love her.
And guess what the name of the first song on her new CD is?
November Sun. Coincidence? I don’t think so…
Damn, we’re running long today… Well – I was planning a whole big introduction to the whole Redhead of the Week thing. Unfortunately, I’m exhausted from yelling at Charlie Sheen.
The good thing is that, my friend, the same one who came up with the idea of having the Redhead of the Week feature, asked my why I didn’t start it last week? And I said, because we were featuring Supergirl.
Then he asked, so what was wrong with a Redhead Supergirl?
Redhead Supergirl
Did I not tell you that I have genius friends?
Well, there you have it. I have to run.
Got lots of things to see and people to do.
Be here next week. Be a lover – not a hater.
Peace
– Arch
Archie Kobain 