Will it burn like a mole on fire…
July 1, 2011
Good morning, Tortola…
It’s me, Weather (the blogger formerly known as Archie Kobain), coming to you
live from somewhere near Sebastian’s Beach Resort at Apple Bay.
[Theme song, playing in background:]
The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
My thoughts aren’t too clear, but don’t run away.
(Don’t worry.. I’ll explain later.)
The phone lines are open. Call me.
Tell me what we should talk about before I just start rambling.
Barnsley is standing by his cell phone at the pullout.
(Colors? I didn’t know we could do colors.)
So, I don’t know how exciting this is but, I feel like I need to recap the month.
June was quite busy. It’s crazy that it’s already July 1st…
June 2nd
Just the other day, or maybe that was almost a month ago, I attended a Mets game and they won. They tell me this was an unusual occurrence. Obviously, I don’t follow baseball very closely. I know there are teams, they play and eventually someone wins the Super-Series-World-Bowl-Thingy. Anyway, I’d tell you all about the game but, apparently, Major League Baseball owns the rights to any description of what went on during the game. I doubt that’s 100% enforceable.
I, of course, am willing defy the authority of The MLB and give you my version of the play-by-play, just don’t quote me… Uh… There were some guys dressed like baseball players and they threw some balls. Upon close inspection, the balls appearred to consists of a round cushioned cork center, wrapped tightly in windings of wool and polyester/cotton yarn, and covered by stitched cowhide. Some players waved bats at the balls. Others actually struck the balls with bats, probably in self-defense. Whenever they hit one of these balls, they went running running off, as if to distance themselves from the impact site. This was particularly exciting to many. Fans cheered, others mainly drank beer and enjoyed hanging out with fellow alcohol enthusiasts. Like most baseball games, it was 15 minutes of excitement crammed into four hours.
On the up-side, we were at the Modell’s Clubhouse.
One guy was amazed at how close we were to the field. He said, “if you got this close to the field at Yankee Stadium, you’d be arrested”.
Upon arrival, it was suggested that I immediately have a beverage made from barley, water, hops & yeast. I was one of the people who took this advice to heart. Again, I don’t know a lot about baseball, so I did whatever others suggested.
Drink a beer? Yes, sir.
Have a stadium dog? OK.
It was good to see my NYC friends (Brian & Jay).
It was good to catch up to my old compadres…
- Sammy “Tinto de Verano” (center)
You know, when someone aims a camera at you these days, your first thought should be, “is there a chance that this will end up on the Internet?” Of course, there’s always a chance that a photo will end up on the Internet. This might lead to you never being in a photograph again. I understand. This is probably what Gale is thinking right now…
- Weather & Gale
Is that a Mets shirt? Maybe she knows something about this game? Maybe she can teach me about baseball??? Oh, no… wait. I shouldn’t take on too much at once. I still need swimming lessons. I’ll get to baseball later. Baby steps! Barnsley… Can you call Gale and ask her if she’s ever given swimming lessons?
[Looks around.] Barnsley?
How many times have the weathermen
told you stories that made you laugh?
You know its not unlike the politicians and the leaders,
when they do things by halves.
All in all, I think our little party of about 70 guests was a huge success.
Did I mention the Mets won?
After the game, we over extended our license to be cool and headed somewhere too hip for a lowly sailor from the BVI, 230 FIFTH Rooftop Garden Bar and Restaurant in Manhattan.
230 FIFTH
It had an unparalleled, spectacular view of the Empire State Building. I could have just sat there for hours, sipping cocktails and staring at it… and maybe that’s what I did. The details are getting a little foggy at this point. In any case, I’m glad I didn’t see the bar tab for that place. Oh, I’m sure they brought us one.
I just refused to look at it. Thanks, Diane. Thanks, Dave.
You guys did pay, right? I hope someone paid. I’m headed back there in August. I’d hate to find my picture on a wanted poster by the door. Where’s Barnsley?
[Yelling off stage:]
Barnsley… Can you make sure someone picked up the tab at 230 Fifth?
June 9th
June 9th kicked off Bonnaroo X. The 10th annual Bonnaroo Music Festival in Manchester, TN and my fourth year, in a row, in attendance. It was a good time as always but… In 2008 and 2009, I really enjoyed the line-up. In 2010 and 2011, I was able to pick out some good music but I can’t say that the lineup was all that exciting. The bottom line is that, unlike years past, I’m not getting in on the early-bird ticket sales for 2012. Before I commit, I want to see the lineup. Maybe we’ll give something different a shot?
This doesn’t mean that I won’t be back to Bonnaroo. I love The Roo. I’m just thinking it might be time to see what else is going on out there. Plan for my life when I just travel from music festival to music festival in my VW bus.
I may have previously mentioned that I did see some great acts there. I was particularly impressed by Grace Potter and The Nocturnals. Awesome show. By the way, to all my Colorado friends, they are performing FOR FREE at Howelsen Hill in Steamboat Springs on July 14th. Be there!
I also enjoyed Band of Skulls… and Florence and The Machine, who I also saw again two nights ago (more on that later).
At Bonnaroo, I only caught a glimpse of Greensky Bluegrass. I had a feeling that I would really like them and wanted to hear more but I was running behind. “I’m late. I’m late… for a very important date.” Fortunately, we were brought together again, a few days later, by fate… (more on that later, too).
On the final day of Roo, I decided to get off the beaten path and out of the sweltering Tennessee heat by visiting Cafe Where?, the small venue located on the outskirts of the giant What Stage grasslands. It’s usually a good place to catch some of the lesser-known acoustic acts or hometown party bands. It was here that I came across, singer / songwriter, Lauren Shera…
Lauren Shera
She probably wasn’t for all of my BonnaBros. I know Hoser took a little snooze during her set, but I thought she was awesome. If you know me, you know that I like me some female folksy music. So, trust me. Go here (see below) and get a free download of her song, Endless Sea.
http://laurenshera.com/download/
After her performance at Bonnaroo, Lauren invited me… OK, fine, she invited everyone… to come see her in Atlanta a few days later. Hmmm? I was going to be in Atlanta on that same day and staying only a few miles away.
OK, maybe I’ll see you there?
My new girlfriend thinks I’m a stalker.
Well, actually, she’s not my girfriend. Yet.
Bottom line? I think the BonnaBros are taking a BonnaBreak.
- Weather, Stonsey, Kenny G-Spot
Not Pictured: Hoser & Choly
Where are Hoser & Choly?
- Hoser & Choly @ Fashion Show
Really?
Do you know the worse part of going to a fashion show at Bonnaroo?
Having to tell your parents that you’re gay.
Speaking of Bonnaroo, gay and fashion…
Enough said…
June 14th
Woo hoo! So I’m in Atlanta. I love Atlanta, always have. The business portion of the trip seemed to go extremely well – we’ll see. I was there with a fellow alcohol enthusiast. We’ll call him Sean.
Immediately after concluding our business calls, we decided to partake in some beverages. I knew that it was time to head for The Vortex Bar & Grill in Little 5-points, one of my favorite Atlanta hangouts.
After a few Laughing Skulls, we were getting hungry and made the greatest single discovery of recent times. The owners of The Vortex have opened a Mexican restaurant, claiming to have very authentic Mexican food. Oh, really? I’ll be the judge of that. I’ve traveled this great country of ours in search for great and authentic Mexican food and I usually have to go to Mexico to get it.
No longer! You can now get awesome Mexican food here in the states.
In Atlanta…
The Bone Garden Cantina has everything that you would want in great Mexican food. This includes the best in authentic Mexican tamales. You haven’t had tamales like these unless you either went to Mexico or had my “tamale lady” make them for you after her parents in Guadalajara sent her the special ingredients. The Bone Garden Cantina has awesome food and I will be visitng there every chance I get.
OMG! They even have a Tequila Club! Sign me up.
Someone shoot me and take me to Bone Garden heaven.
After such a wonderful Mexican fiesta, there was no stopping us. It was time to head just North of Midtown to the Piedmont Heights area and find Smith’s Olde Bar. Well, my stalking paid off big. Not only did we catch Lauren Shera, who I think sounded even better than she did at Bonnaroo but she was opening for none other than… Greensky Bluegrass.
The whole evening was brilliant. Alaina, who may have been employed at Smith’s, was in charge of the beer and shots of Jagermeister. She and Sean made sure that there were no interruption in our supply chain.
From the time Greensky Bluegrass took the stage, Sean started going, “Woo hoo!”, while occasionally jumping up out of his seat and dancing around. In between the incredibly lengthy songs, Sean would shout out stuff like, “Zepplin… Play Zepplin” – or – “Floyd… Play Pink Floyd”.
I’m thinking, “Sean…this is a bluegrass band”. Imagine my surprise when I hear…
Ticking away, the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way
I have to say, Greensky Bluegrass was awesome. Five guys wielding stringed instruments and playing them tight. I loved the cover songs. Pink Floyd’s Time was nice but I particularly liked When Doves Cry. You guys blew me away. In the words of my drinking buddy, Sean… “Woo hoo!”
June 17th to June 24th – Out sick and heavily medicated.
June 28th
So I get a text mesasage from a buddy of mine that says, “Got two extra box seats to see U2 tonight. Are you a fan?” Of course, I answered, “Yes!” I think he thought that I was answering, “Yes, I am a fan of U2”. Actually, I was answering, “Yes, I am a fan of box seats.”
A few hours later, my friend, Bull Johnson, and I are at Sun Life Stadium listening to opening band, Florence and The Machine. I know! The corporate sandbox was filled with food, beer and… Is that Grey Goose? Nice. The time seemed to fly by and soon enough, Simon Le Bono and The Boyz took to the stage, featuring the giant claw-like support rig and accordion-like expandable LCD panel video screen (with only a small clump of bad pixels).
Then it occured to me… The Edge, formerly known as David Evans, has the coolest name of anyone on the planet. I thought Sting and Slash had cool names, once upon a time. They’re verbs….but The Edge… How cool is that? It’s not even something tangible. He’s just… you know… like an edge.
This is when I decided that I needed a “stage name”.
This is when I decided to become… Weather.
I’m not good weather or bad weather – just Weather.
Unfortunately, Weather.com is already taken, so we’ll be sticking to this URL….or maybe I can sue those guys. Weather isn’t just intellectual property. That’s my name! Don’t mess with Weather. Weather can kill you.
Hmmm… That could be a good Eminem song. <raised eyebrow>
Well, that’s my month in review. I need to stop rambling now. I’m sure that I’ve blown right threw the normal and recommended lengths for a blog entry. I’m looking forward to July, however… I expect to be having Mexican food in Mexico. Woo hoo! I’m hoping to make it to Todos Santos, maybe La Paz. And if I find the right piece of real estate, Tortola could become just an image in my rear-view mirror. Yeah, baby.
Until next week…
Have a great 4th of July weekend and drink plenty of fluids.
Cheers
– Weather
Touched for the thirty-first time…
May 27, 2011
Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You’ve got someone to blame…
.
Well, that didn’t go as expected. The world didn’t end last Saturday, after all.
Now I’m having to walk home from San Antonio. Although, I may not actually have a home, anymore. I met some sucker last week who didn’t know the world was ending, and he gave me $5000 in exchange for a quit claim deed on my house. Fortunately. I didn’t spend it all. I still have about 50 bucks. I’m sure I’ll be able to work things out, if I ever get back…
Anyway, I’m making good time. I should be in Louisiana by winter.
.
Walk with electroglide on the Blue Highway
Wave below to Christ on my highway
Yes, I almost died on a Blue Highway
.
Hot Chicks
I got an interesting question via “viewer mail”…
Dear Archie,
You seem to mention hot chicks quite a bit.
How do you happen upon so many hot chicks, all the time?
I’m really glad you asked this question because it does need some ‘splaining. The way I see it, there are basically three classifications for adult females (who are not related to you):
- Wives of Friends – I don’t even know what these women look like. I don’t know if your wife is cute, I don’t know if she’s athletic, I wouldn’t even notice if her head burst into flames. I’m not about to look at her that closely. If she goes missing, I probably can’t help you find her ’cause I’m not sure what she looks like. On the up-side, I’ll never be able to pick her out of a police line-up. Sorry – this is just how I roll.
- Giant Assed Flight Attendants – Most commonly found on U.S. Airways, these are not the cute flight attendants who usually work in First Class. These are the ones who don’t really fit in the corridor, down the middle of the airplane. So, if you happen to be sleeping, in an aisle seat, as she is pushing the drink cart past you, that side-to-side swinging butt will smack you in the side of your head. As you abruptly awaken in a startled state, you may catch the trail end of an “excuse me”, now in the distance.
- Hot Chicks – That’s right. If you’re not in either of the above categories, you’re a hot chick. I think that simplifies things, don’t you? When someone asks you about a female, and you’re not sure what to say, never again do you have to come up with politically vague answers like, “she has a really nice personality”. Now you can just say, “she’s a hot chick” (and, later, refer them here if they have any further questions).
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Are you saying that my 80 year old grandmother is a hot chick?
A: Yes and No. To me she’s a hot chick. I’ll even tell her that she’s a hot chick. She’ll love it – trust me. You on the other hand, cannot call her a hot chick. She’s your grandmother you sick bastard.
Q: I have a giant ass but I’m not a flight attendant. What am I?
A: Hot chick. Remember, all Trans-Ams were Firebirds but not all Firebirds were Trans-Ams. I’m not sure how that applies here but the bottom line is that, you are mostly likely a hot chick regardless of you ass size. Just don’t go and get a job on U.S. Air and subsequently wake me up, with your giant ass, while I’m trying to sleep.
.
I’ve been singing with my band
Across the wire, across the land
I seen every blue-eyed floozy on the way
.
Speaking of giant asses…
Dry Erase Pants
I had a colossal idea. First of all, I love whiteboards. I love drawing on them. I think in whiteboard. I used to think in lyrics – I’ve moved on. Now I think in whiteboard. So the other day, I’m at a bar – there’s a big surprise – and I’m strategizing with some other alcohol enthusiasts, when suddenly, I needed a whiteboard. Bars don’t have whiteboards… They should, I know.
Next thing you know, a hot chick walks by wearing a pair of white pants. Sure. I thought of asking her if I could draw on them but bars also don’t keep markers handy. I know – it’s like a hostile work environment. But then, in a moment of brilliance, it hit me – Dry Erase Pants.
Think about this. Seriously… Wouldn’t it be great if there were people walking around wearing pants coated with whiteboard stuff, so that you could draw on them and then erase them? So then you could be at a bar, you need to whiteboard an idea and you call someone over… “”Excuse me, could we draw on your pants?”
What can they say, “Of course…they are Dry Erase Pants! Have at it.”
It’s brilliant.
Naturally, you can pick who you asks according to the size of your project.
Ugh… This just keeps getting better. Maybe we can get U.S. Air to make them part of their standard issue uniform for the giant assed flight attendants… Now, that’s what I would call Business Class!
And, how easy would it be to accesorize?
Picture a belt, with different color markers hanging off the back.
Handy… and … Brilliant, I say!
.
She had a horror of rooms, she was tired, you can’t hide beat
When I looked in her eyes they were blue, but nobody home
She could’ve been a killer if she didn’t walk the way she do,
…and she do
She opened strange doors that we’d never close again
.
i was listening to a guy from HP the other day. Eventually, I decided that I had no idea what he was talking about. We were discussing Market Development Funds. This refers to when a manufacturer, such as HP is this case, gives you money for bringing them new business. Well, suddenly, this guy starts throwing in an acronym, IBMDF…and I’m like… what? This stood for Incremental Business Market Development Funds. Of course, I’m thinking that HP would never have a program that sounded so much like something belonging to IBM. So, after hearing IBMFD so many times, I start thinking, maybe I’m confused. Maybe this guy works for IBM.
Well, a little while later, after I was convinced this guy worked for IBM, he says, “and we can get someone from HP involved, if we have to”. And I’m like, what? Since when do IBM folks want to get HP involved?
It gets worse. A few more minutes go by and he starts telling me that whenever we go to use this program, the key is to make sure that we are comparing Apples & Apples. So… I’m like… How’d Apple get involved?
At the end of the day, I have no idea who this guy actually worked for.
Luckily, I had my shrink ray with me. So, I shrunk him down to about a half-inch, stuck him to a piece of 3M heavy-duty double-stick carpet tape and attached him to a friend’s car. Last time I saw him he was headed East on Interstate 10 doing about 72 miles per hour on the hood of an old Chevy pickup truck.
Speaking of heading East on Interstate 10 at 72 miles per hour, I gotta go.
See you next week, when I will be broadcasting Live from New York City.
By the way, my blog consultant, Barnsley, told me to never, ever make a blog entry with all text and not single photo. So, here’s a picture of my friend, Stonesy, holding our Bonnaroo 2011 RV Parking Passes. Woo hoo!
And, YES, we were at Wings ‘n Things in Pompano Beach.
And, YES, we were drinking Yuengling.
And, YES, I do love beer.
Gotta run!
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya…
– Arch
Archie Kobain 