I always said, I could suck a duck…
June 10, 2011
Good morning Sodom and Gomorrah,
Good morning sinners.
No, that wasn’t your radio set on the bleep again…
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Well, here I am. (A)Live at Bonnaroo.
I was actually going to do a live broadcast of some sort.
Unfortunately, Barnsley was having a little trouble with the satellite uplink…
Then, when we almost had it fixed, he ran off to hear Sharon Van Etten at the Which Stage. He’s probably near the tree. Which Tree? Exactly.
So, you wanna hear about Bonnaroo? Here you go…
Is the music good? Absolutely. But I’m sure you can GoogaBing “Bonnaroo 2011” and find dozens of websites ready to review the talent, tell you about the fresh bluegrass sounds of Greensky Bluegrass, what the hippies are smoking (or licking) this year, and the fact that Band of Skulls rocked the roof off the That Tent on opening night.
I must say, I was a little disappointed that Benny Lava wasn’t part of the line-up. I really came just to see him, as he continues to be the primary “person of interest” in my on-going investigation concerning the Indian Mafia Hess Reese’s Conspiracy. Take a look at this video. I have reason to believe there are hidden messages contained within…
The real story for me, as usual, occurred on…
The Road to The Roo
It was an educational experience. Once again I was unable to participate in the Tampa to Manchester RV trek. Instead, I took a U.S. Airways flight through Charlotte to Chattanooga and relied on a duly appointed delegation of the BonnaBros to scoop me up and, eventually, deliver me to the event.
What did I learn along the way? Well, for starters, when the TSA folks ask you if you have any weapons, apparently you shouldn’t respond with, “why…what do you need?” Also, the airlines work a lot less like taxi cabs than you would think. For example: Tipping the pilot and asking him to “step on it” doesn’t get you to your next connection any faster. I won’t even tell you what happens if you offer to buy him a drink.
Next, I verified the rumor that Florida has been secretly exporting all of their ugly people to the Carolinas. It’s true. I was on one of the “cargo flights” with some of the scariest people I’ve ever seen. There was the everything from the Jesse Ventura look-alike, a few Village People wanna-bees, and the ex-wife of Frankenstein (formerly the Bride of Frankenstein). They were all on my flight. Coincidence? I think not.
By the way, I was sent intell by a secret operative. Apparently, Office Depot is in on the whole Indian Mafia, Hess / Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs conspiracy!
But I digress…
I won’t bother telling you about my flight or about the fine quality of the U.S. Airways coffee, which should say, “We Proudly Brew Whatever Coffee is on Sale”. Instead, I’ll skip right to Chattanooga, where upon landing, I find out that the BonnaBros have overheated on the way…and their vehicle was experiencing similar difficulties.
They are hours away and I’m at an airport. Sure, I could stick around there and mess with the TSA people. After all, I was already in the secure area… Maybe I could leave some unattended luggage lying around and see what happens?
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I wanna see you in the morning
I wanna see you when the breaking day is dawning
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Nope. I decided to head downtown and drink with the locals. I love Chattanooga locals. They are a friendly bunch and I want to send out a kudos to those who made my several hours at the Mellow Mushroom go by in the blink of an eye. First there was Marly (possibly, Marlie)… You rock. Whether I was outside, at the bar, or roaming aimlessly around the restaurant, you tracked me down and brought me my Yuengling.
Then there was Nanner.
Nanner, it was a pleasure to meet you…
- Nanner and Archie
(See… I told you I’d make you artificially famous.)
And finally, Leslie – from the Hilton Garden Inn, who is actually from Manchester, TN. Without you, I might still be wondering aimlessly around Chattanooga. Thanks for you extensive research and getting me in the right cab and pointed in the right direction. Note: I may have had a few drinks at the Mellow Mushroom. (I blame Marly.) I needed direction.
So, in the end… I made it to Bonnaroo.
We’re in the RV, the BonnaBros are all here and the party is in full motion.
Thanks for checking on me. Unfortunately, I gotta go.
I have very little bandwidth and very little brain power.
Did I mention, I’m at Bonnaroo?
See you next week.
– Arch
Touched for the thirty-first time…
May 27, 2011
Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You’ve got someone to blame…
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Well, that didn’t go as expected. The world didn’t end last Saturday, after all.
Now I’m having to walk home from San Antonio. Although, I may not actually have a home, anymore. I met some sucker last week who didn’t know the world was ending, and he gave me $5000 in exchange for a quit claim deed on my house. Fortunately. I didn’t spend it all. I still have about 50 bucks. I’m sure I’ll be able to work things out, if I ever get back…
Anyway, I’m making good time. I should be in Louisiana by winter.
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Walk with electroglide on the Blue Highway
Wave below to Christ on my highway
Yes, I almost died on a Blue Highway
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Hot Chicks
I got an interesting question via “viewer mail”…
Dear Archie,
You seem to mention hot chicks quite a bit.
How do you happen upon so many hot chicks, all the time?
I’m really glad you asked this question because it does need some ‘splaining. The way I see it, there are basically three classifications for adult females (who are not related to you):
- Wives of Friends – I don’t even know what these women look like. I don’t know if your wife is cute, I don’t know if she’s athletic, I wouldn’t even notice if her head burst into flames. I’m not about to look at her that closely. If she goes missing, I probably can’t help you find her ’cause I’m not sure what she looks like. On the up-side, I’ll never be able to pick her out of a police line-up. Sorry – this is just how I roll.
- Giant Assed Flight Attendants – Most commonly found on U.S. Airways, these are not the cute flight attendants who usually work in First Class. These are the ones who don’t really fit in the corridor, down the middle of the airplane. So, if you happen to be sleeping, in an aisle seat, as she is pushing the drink cart past you, that side-to-side swinging butt will smack you in the side of your head. As you abruptly awaken in a startled state, you may catch the trail end of an “excuse me”, now in the distance.
- Hot Chicks – That’s right. If you’re not in either of the above categories, you’re a hot chick. I think that simplifies things, don’t you? When someone asks you about a female, and you’re not sure what to say, never again do you have to come up with politically vague answers like, “she has a really nice personality”. Now you can just say, “she’s a hot chick” (and, later, refer them here if they have any further questions).
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Are you saying that my 80 year old grandmother is a hot chick?
A: Yes and No. To me she’s a hot chick. I’ll even tell her that she’s a hot chick. She’ll love it – trust me. You on the other hand, cannot call her a hot chick. She’s your grandmother you sick bastard.
Q: I have a giant ass but I’m not a flight attendant. What am I?
A: Hot chick. Remember, all Trans-Ams were Firebirds but not all Firebirds were Trans-Ams. I’m not sure how that applies here but the bottom line is that, you are mostly likely a hot chick regardless of you ass size. Just don’t go and get a job on U.S. Air and subsequently wake me up, with your giant ass, while I’m trying to sleep.
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I’ve been singing with my band
Across the wire, across the land
I seen every blue-eyed floozy on the way
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Speaking of giant asses…
Dry Erase Pants
I had a colossal idea. First of all, I love whiteboards. I love drawing on them. I think in whiteboard. I used to think in lyrics – I’ve moved on. Now I think in whiteboard. So the other day, I’m at a bar – there’s a big surprise – and I’m strategizing with some other alcohol enthusiasts, when suddenly, I needed a whiteboard. Bars don’t have whiteboards… They should, I know.
Next thing you know, a hot chick walks by wearing a pair of white pants. Sure. I thought of asking her if I could draw on them but bars also don’t keep markers handy. I know – it’s like a hostile work environment. But then, in a moment of brilliance, it hit me – Dry Erase Pants.
Think about this. Seriously… Wouldn’t it be great if there were people walking around wearing pants coated with whiteboard stuff, so that you could draw on them and then erase them? So then you could be at a bar, you need to whiteboard an idea and you call someone over… “”Excuse me, could we draw on your pants?”
What can they say, “Of course…they are Dry Erase Pants! Have at it.”
It’s brilliant.
Naturally, you can pick who you asks according to the size of your project.
Ugh… This just keeps getting better. Maybe we can get U.S. Air to make them part of their standard issue uniform for the giant assed flight attendants… Now, that’s what I would call Business Class!
And, how easy would it be to accesorize?
Picture a belt, with different color markers hanging off the back.
Handy… and … Brilliant, I say!
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She had a horror of rooms, she was tired, you can’t hide beat
When I looked in her eyes they were blue, but nobody home
She could’ve been a killer if she didn’t walk the way she do,
…and she do
She opened strange doors that we’d never close again
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i was listening to a guy from HP the other day. Eventually, I decided that I had no idea what he was talking about. We were discussing Market Development Funds. This refers to when a manufacturer, such as HP is this case, gives you money for bringing them new business. Well, suddenly, this guy starts throwing in an acronym, IBMDF…and I’m like… what? This stood for Incremental Business Market Development Funds. Of course, I’m thinking that HP would never have a program that sounded so much like something belonging to IBM. So, after hearing IBMFD so many times, I start thinking, maybe I’m confused. Maybe this guy works for IBM.
Well, a little while later, after I was convinced this guy worked for IBM, he says, “and we can get someone from HP involved, if we have to”. And I’m like, what? Since when do IBM folks want to get HP involved?
It gets worse. A few more minutes go by and he starts telling me that whenever we go to use this program, the key is to make sure that we are comparing Apples & Apples. So… I’m like… How’d Apple get involved?
At the end of the day, I have no idea who this guy actually worked for.
Luckily, I had my shrink ray with me. So, I shrunk him down to about a half-inch, stuck him to a piece of 3M heavy-duty double-stick carpet tape and attached him to a friend’s car. Last time I saw him he was headed East on Interstate 10 doing about 72 miles per hour on the hood of an old Chevy pickup truck.
Speaking of heading East on Interstate 10 at 72 miles per hour, I gotta go.
See you next week, when I will be broadcasting Live from New York City.
By the way, my blog consultant, Barnsley, told me to never, ever make a blog entry with all text and not single photo. So, here’s a picture of my friend, Stonesy, holding our Bonnaroo 2011 RV Parking Passes. Woo hoo!
And, YES, we were at Wings ‘n Things in Pompano Beach.
And, YES, we were drinking Yuengling.
And, YES, I do love beer.
Gotta run!
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya…
– Arch
Archie Kobain 