You didn’t know that rock-n-roll burned…
December 21, 2012
So you bought a candle,
and you lived and you learned…
World Ending – Later Today!
That’s right. Today is it. If you haven’t done so yet, today is the day to get right with God or make love with a stranger. I guess you could do both. And if in the middle of the love making, you or the stranger yells out, “Oh God”, you may be killing two birds with one, uh…, stone?
So, is today the end of the world or is it really just the end of the current baktun?
Are we not going to make is to JC’s Rockin’ Birthday Party this year (December 25th)…? I think we will be around next week. I mean, while some people sat around and did nothing about this, others actually assembled a plan and solved the problem…
Doesn’t matter. Either way, it’s my excuse for not having bought a single Christmas present. That’s right. If you’re waiting on a gift from me, you’re gettin’ nuttin for Christmas. So, hopefully this Mayan calendar things works out for me. By the way, I now pronounce Christmas – Christ Mass. Get it right. Remember what I said above. “Get it right with God”…? OK, here we go. Say Christ, just like you would say Jesus Christ. Then add Mass to the end. Christ Mass. Perfect. That’s for everyone with the bumper stickers that say, “Keep Christ in Christmas”. Oh, I’m definitely putting Christ in Christmas. By the way, your bumper stickers are hardly effective anymore. When was the last time you saw anyone write X-mas?
Subtle Innuendos Follow
OK, so… It’s sometimes difficult for me to tell the difference between a metaphor and an innuendo. According the some online dictionaries, a metaphor is when you make comparisons between things that are nothing alike, without really calling out the comparison. For example: “As I walked through New York City, I was lost in an endless sea of faces.” Since faces aren’t actually part of a sea, that’s a metaphor. An innuendo, on the other hand, is simply a way of saying something while completely saying something else – an allusive or oblique remark or hint A good example comes to us from Led Zepplin: “Squeeze my lemon baby. Let the juice run down my leg.”
In general, innuendos seem to get a bad rap. Most people, when they think of an innuendo, they think of a sexual innuendo – like my Led Zepplin example. Of course, there can be other types of innuendos. They don’t all have to be sexual. For example: “I hear your submarine has a fur sink.” – or – “Larry needs a new dashboard gasket.” OK, maybe those are sexual too. I have no idea. I just made those up.
My point is that, it’s time to start turning the sexual innuendo around and instead, we should simply use “sex” as an innuendo for something else. For example, I’ve now started using “having sex” as an innuendo for “having food”. So now, when I’m hungry and thinking of stepping out for lunch with a co-worker, I say, “hey… you wanna have sex with me?” Nothing wrong with that. Sex is just an innuendo for lunch. You want to get together with some friends for dinner & drinks, you say… “Hey everyone! You wanna get together for drinks & sex tonight?”
I think this is going to catch on.
In the event that the world doesn’t end…
We should think about the future of our country. Do you ever wonder why we are so dependent on petroleum? I mean, it’s 2012! Weren’t we supposed to be all solar and green by now, running on di-lithium crystals or something? Somewhere I read that if, over the past 40 years, the automotive industry would have made advancements equivalent to the computer industry, then today we would all have cars that could travel at super-sonic speeds and go hundreds of miles on a thimble of gasoline. But why haven’t we done that? And why do we continue to send our money to China to buy cheap goods, when we have unemployed people here who could make better products for about the same price?
The answer is that, although a lot of things could be fixed and/or improved, there are a lot of companies who make big money by keeping things the way they are. Therefore, these companies want things to stay the way they are, even though they are bad for us and bad for our country – because it means profits for them. Big profits..and they use these big profits to buy our politicians. This way, no one will pass laws that affect their business. The end result is that you and I continue to be dependent on foreign oil, we drive cars that get crappy gas mileage, and everything we pick up is made in China. The list goes on and on.
Here’s a prime example: A few months ago, the Obama administration released a plan that was called, “groundbreaking”, whereby, by the year 2025, all cars and light-duty trucks made in the US have will have to get the equivalent of 54.5 miles per gallon. Not sure what they mean by this “equivalent” thing. Anyway… El Presidente was quoted as saying, “These fuel standards represent the single most important step we’ve ever taken to reduce our dependence on foreign oil.”
Here’s the official article on the White House’s website. <<article>>
Notice that was released on August 28th, 2012. Well, just a few days before, on August 22nd, 2012, British car maker, Trident, issues a press release announcing their new car, the Iceni Grand Tourer.
This car, available in 2013, has a top speed of about 200 MPH and gets 70 MPG. That’s 70 miles per gallon. Today! So here’s my question. If the Brits can produce a car today that gets 70 MPH, why do I have to wait 13 years, so that I can buy a US made car that gets 54.5 MPG?
My guess is that the Brits don’t care about oil company profits and Obama wants to release a plan that sounds like he’s doing something, when actually he’s just keeping us down while appeasing the oil companies. So, apparently, even the Brits are now making cars that are more efficient than US cars.
And before anyone points out to me that the Iceni is a $119K car… Yes. I know that. But don’t you think that someone could take that same technology and build a regular car. One that doesn’t top out at 200 MPH and within say 5 years we could have a 70 MPG car for under $40K?
Well, anyway… I could go on and on and talk about the economy, free enterprise, at the end of the day, nothing is going to change until we get the money out of politics. Learn more about how we’re going to do this here: http://unitedrepublic.org/
Doesn’t matter if you’re a Rep or a Dem, left, right, North, South, Black or white.
Get informed. Get involved.
But then, just in case the world does end…
We shouldn’t go out without a redhead. I try to never go out without a redhead.
But I think we need something bigger than the usual. It’s the end of the year as you know it and possibly the end of the world – and I feel fine. But seriously, I think we need…
(drum roll)
Redhead of The Year
And I’m giving this prestigious honor to… Felicia Day. I love her.
And as Redhead of The Year, we will feature multiple photos of Felicia…
Ah, that’s some queer skirt – that one.
Sorry. Barnsley’s cousin from Ireland has been teaching me Irish slang.
Oh, and Felicia is also our musical guest today.
So here she is with… I’m The One That’s Cool.
Also, for being selected as Redhead of The Year, you get to spend New Year’s Eve with me at my private VIP table at TAO in New York City. Wait, was that an innuendo?
Call me, maybe?
And just in case this blog post ends…
That, my friends, wraps it up for Planet Earth.
It’s been nice knowing you. Thanks for reading. Thanks for all the beer & tequila.
And if the world doesn’t end anytime soon…
I guess I’ll see you in 2013.
Peace & Love
– Arch
Everything that is wrong with America…
November 9, 2012
Captain America’s been torn apart
Now he’s a court jester with a broken heart
He said, turn me around and take me back to the start
I must be losing my mind, are you blind?
I’ve seen it all a million times
So, this has nothing to do with the election…
(at least the first part doesn’t)
First of all, it has to do with the New York Marathon.
As you probably know, after Hurricane Sandy put a serious hurting on the Northeastern U.S., leaving many without homes and many more without power, the New York Road Runners, organizers of the event, decided to cancel this year’s marathon. New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg favored moving forward and continuing to hold the race. Due to overwhelming public criticism, however, the Road Runners decided to cancel the event. Seriously?
I understand that Sandy left many people devastated with the loss of family, homes and whatever else you can think of. And if the marathon were held and it’s organizers didn’t offer to somehow support the Hurricane Sandy victims, we could surely criticize them then and call them insensitive and/or greedy. But who are we, the whiny American public, to demand that an organization like the New York Road Runners should suffer an even greater hit than what Hurricane Sandy had already delivered.
Instead of putting the marathon in a position to help, this decision, based on public criticism, is potentially costing the marathon millions in lost revenues, refunds to runners, and refunds to sponsors and television broadcasters who paid for an event that didn’t happen. Not to mention all the money spent by runners, many of whom traveled to New York, only to then find out that the event was being cancelled.
Have we really become a country of “poor us”, “poor them”, “poor me”..? And once someone cries “poor me”, then everything else is fair game, regardless of who gets hurt? If this were a smaller, or less well-funded, organization this cancellation could put them out of business. I guess no one cares about that and all the goodwill that the marathon generates every year. Shame on us – the whiny American public.
Next is the No Doubt video…
You know No Doubt… Gwen Stefani… Possibly the coolest hot chick on the planet?
Well, No Doubt released a video for their new song, Looking Hot. (Yes, Gwen – you are.)
Gwen Stefani “Looking Hot”
After watching the video, I’m convinced that Gwen and the boys were making fun of old cowboy/western movies but apparently the Native American community found the video offensive. Seriously? How is this video offensive? Oh, that’s right… It’s the whiny American public again or, in this case, the whiny Native American public.
I know – there go my chances or ever running for public office.
God forbid that I exercise amendment given right of freedom of speech.
Maybe I don’t like Sterlin Harjo’s portrayal of white people in his film Barking Water. Aaron Riggs plays the part of Elvis in the film. Is Harjo saying that all white people from Tennessee remind him of Elvis? …or is he making fun of white American heritage? I’m offended either way – or – is it possible that I’m just being a little overly sensitive? You know, like the turmoil over the No Doubt video.
Aaron Riggs as Elvis
BTW… Nothing personal, Sterlin, I was just trying to prove my point.
So, in the end, No Doubt took their video down down from their official Vimeo and/or YouTube sites and issued an apology stating, “it was never our intention to offend anyone”. Of course, you weren’t… This whole ting is silly. The good thing is that, although the video has (technically) been “pulled”. I found it here…
http://en.musicplayon.com/play?v=775232
Hopefully it stays up for a while there.
So now, you watch it and you tell me…
Do you find this potentially offensive in any way?
Whiny America wins again.
By the way, once upon a time, right after the first No Doubt tour, Gwen Stefani dyed her hair red. Apparently she didn’t like it but that shouldn’t stop her from being this week’s Redhead of The Week…
And now, onto the election…
Neither candidate really addressed the issues surrounding our nation’s debt crisis. That’s probably because it is spiraling out of control and no one really know what to do about it. Not talking about it is a good political strategy because, to solve it, all Americans will have to feel the pain and we the whiny American public doesn’t want to hear about that. So let’s ignore the problem and see if it goes away. My bet is that it will not.
All that said, President Obama ran a brilliant campaign. He kept focusing on the fact that Romney was a rich guy who had made a lot of money and pays less taxes than you do. Of course, the taxes part isn’t true but political campaigns are mostly immune to whole truth in advertising thing. So, if you’re not a rich guy, it’s pretty easy to hate rich guys – after all, they have everything. If on top of that, he pays less taxes than we do – then he’s just a self-centered lyin’, cheatin’ bastard right? Of course he is.
Then there’s the part where Romney wanted to fix healthcare, medicare and social security because the mathematicians will tell you that the current system is going to fail soon. Well, it was easy to say, “Look – the rich guy wants to change everything and screw you out of the things that you’ve been promised”. So, instead of taking responsibility for these things, let’s just stay the course, ignore the problems, and hope they go away. My bet is that they will not.
At the end of the day, President Obama brilliantly targeted the whiny American public and said, “poor you, poor me – please don’t let the rich guy run our country. Instead, I promise to take from the rich and give to poor you” …and the whiny American public voted.
Now, let’s put the election behind us and start “the real work”. Let’s figure out how to unite Americans on common ground and form a new major political party. Let’s focus on the things we all want and throw out the things that divide us and should have anything to do with our national government. I believe more than 60% of America will join us if we do this properly. Then our country can really start to make progress and end the ridiculousness which defines American politics today.
You can start today. Obama was re-elected. Now let’s see if he’s willing to start fixing things. Weren’t you tired of watching the dirtiest election campaigns in history with all the lies and negative ads? Thank you to the Supreme Court and Citizen’s United for that. Well, again – let’s see if we can fix it. Let start here. By signing this open letter to the President.
https://www.unpac.org/dear-mr-president/
Thanks for reading…
Thanks for caring…
– Arch
It’s just you…
October 5, 2012
against your tattered libido,
the bank and the mortician, forever man…
and it wouldn’t be luck if you could get out of life alive
Red or white?
This quiet period thing is crazy. How can I possibly keep quiet after that presidential debate?
I guess I have to say, I don’t like either one of these guys – but Obama really needs a few lessons in economics. I mean… Harvard has an economics department, he must know someone over there. Make a few phone calls, Barry. Go to a fraternity party.
Do some butt chugging! What in the world is that?
Don’t worry. If this hasn’t caught on at Harvard, I can introduce you to some Pi Kappa Alpha Fraternity members at University of Tennessee. Uh… I hope you like wine. Do you suppose it really matters if it’s a merlot, a cabernet or maybe a nice un-oaked chardonnay?
http://gawker.com/butt-chugging/
Be sure to watch the press conference video at the bottom. What a riot! Do you think they had a bet going on? How many times can we our attorney to say, “butt chugging”…?
Shhhhhh…!!!
OK, back to my quiet period… That only pertains to the elections, right?
It doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t still try to fix America – even during our quiet time. Right?
I’m getting back to basics. The American political system is one giant clunker but it’s worth restoring. I just keep asking myself, how do we do it? How do we fix this monster? And I think the answer is to take it one step at a time. If that’s the case, I think first of all – we need to get the money out of politics. I believe this is the central component that has grid-locked our political system and fueled the focus on partisanship instead of focusing on America. Not to mention the fact that instead of getting anything done, our politicians have to spend 85% of their time fundraising. Is it any wonder why nothing gets done in Washington?
Next, we’ll work on really getting religion out of politics.
Third, we’ll ensure equal rights and equal treatment for all.
Somewhere in there, we have to get out finances straight. I believe America has borrowed beyond its ability to ever repay its debts. At this point, our creditors are probably OK with that. If we can’t even make principal payments, our creditors will be collecting interest forever. This was probably good investment on their part – but bad for America. We have to figure this out. We have to work on our trade deficit. And we have to not only balance our budget, which only stops the monetary bleed, but we have to figure out how to pay-down and pay-off our multi-trillion dollar debt.
We will get it done!
And here’s a great start… I hate the name of this organization, by the way, because it sounds like just another PAC. But it’s not… trust me. This is the real deal Check it out…
http://act.unitedrepublic.org/event/founder/create/?akid=200.101266.2oQryF
Part of what I love about this is that, getting money out of politics is something that everyone should agree on. It’s not good and no one, other than wealthy special interest groups, could possibly think that it’s a good idea. So this could also be our first step to unity, getting the majority of our country together on common ground and maybe, eventually, overthrow those two political monsters that do nothing other than divide us.
I love this: Conservatives. Progressives. Independents. Together!
Let’s get this done.
No ands, ifs, or buts …or butts! No chugging butts! Not even small butts.
And speaking of small butts…
Have you been watching Sons of Anarchy? If so, you’re probably wondering who that high priced call girl was. You know, the one Gemma beat the crap out of last week and she was back this week, riding around on the back of Jax’s bike. She looked familiar, huh?
That’s because it was Ashley Tisdale gone “breaking Disney”.
I know. It seems like just the other day we were waiting for her to turn 18.
Next thing you know, she’s 27 and hanging out with the boys from SAMCRO.
This is Barnsley’s favorite photo…
Wow. I like boots.
But 27… Soon she’ll hit the big three-oh and then she’ll just be too old for us, Barns.
What will we do? Fear not, my friend. Let Ashley go… Let her walk towards the light.
I have us all hooked up with Julia, a 22 year old from the Ukraine.
Julia & Archie
By the way, it’s pronounced Yulia.
OK, let’s move on to bigger butts.
You’ve got the biggest butt I’ve ever seen…
So, I went on a Carnival Cruise last weekend. As a general rule, Carnival seems to have somewhat of a reputation for being a little lower budget and a little lower class than some other cruise lines. I will neither confirm of deny such a rumor, but I will say this…
Many years ago, I was listening to live entertainment, as I often do, at a little watering hole in Lake Worth, Florida. The lead singer introduced a song by telling us that it was a love song which had been written by his black roommate for his black roommate’s girlfriend. After these many years, I can still recall that it went something like…
Ooooh, baby…
You’ve got the biggest butt I’ve ever seen.
It’s so big, and round, and brown.
I never really understood this song until last weekend on my Carnival cruise. But then, I’d never seen butts the size of the ones that were on this ship. Good Lord! They were blocking my view of the hot chicks, casting shadows… and, as if predicted by the prophets, many of them were big, and round, and brown. Biggest ones I’ve ever seen. Not that there’s anything wrong with that – a person’s butt size preference is their own personal business.
Right Next Door to Hell…
Since we’ve been talking about asses, I could make a joke here – but I won’t do it.
I love this guy. He’s really my brother from another mother and one of America’s great singer songwriters. Well, after 20 years of refusing interviews, on October 24th, Axl Rose will be making an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel.
I think that deserves making him Redhead of the Week…
Axl Rose
So, set your Tivo!
I know. I’ve already called my friends at NBC. It doesn’t look like they’re getting me tickets.
Axl and his band, by the way, are taking up residency at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas, where they will be doing multiple shows from the end of October through early December, as I recall. That may be worth going to see. Anyone up for a Vegas trip?
And now, My Letter to Axl…
First, I love you brotha! Thanks for the music I still listen to everyday. Next, I understand that you own the name Guns & Roses but you should really consider retiring that name. To most people, when they hear someone say Guns & Roses, they are thinking of the original line-up, not the current band. I would absolutely go see Axl Rose in Concert, but I’m not sure that I would go see Guns & Roses today because – it’s just not Guns & Roses. That’s all I’m sayin’.
I also have some thoughts surrounding your appearance on Jimmy Kimmel.
But I won’t insult your intelligence – that’s what your publicist is for.
And just for you Axl, I picked out this real redhead of the week…
Redhead of the Week
Oh, no… I have no idea what that is that she’s wearing.
I just thought Axl would appreciate it.
That’s all for today. You be well.
Nice to meet you, Yubee.
– Arch
Archie Kobain 