Archie Kobain

That’s right.  Archie’s back “and we’re going to have a party”.

Maybe there’s going to be a party.
At very minimum, you can bet there’s going to a be a redhead.  🙂

Greetings Fellow Earth Dwellers:

It’s been a long time, been a long time, been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.

It’s also been a long time since I’d posted anything.  You know, other than last week’s post.
But just because we don’t talk everyday, doesn’t mean I love you any less.
You know who you are. We’re still connected, you and I.

[Heard off stage: “Me, me. He’s talking to me.”]

So, blame me…
Let’s just say that life has been busy.  That’s right…  “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Why am I here today, you ask?

A number of reasons.  First of all, I wanted to wish you all a Very Happy Freakin’ New Year.

Next, as the globe begins to unravel, I feel that it is, at least partially, my job to call the play-by-plays, as I see them.  And holy shitzu, are things ever unraveling???

So many things are happening in the world right now (and have taken place in the past year) and every last one of them demands some sort of an acknowledgement from me.  I expect to deliver those.  Also, visited a number of countries last year…and I should share a little bit of that with my raving fans.  I think it’s particularly important to point out the things that we’re doing here that makes the rest of the world think we’re idiots or, at very minimum, naive.

To this end, I’ve decided to come out of retirement, so-to-speak.  At very minimum, I am assembling a mini-series.  A short collection of post-retirement Archie posts to clear my head, educate my readers and entertain my critics.  So get ready. Blog posts have been building up in my system.  It’s like I have Deadly Blog-Post Backup (DBPB) and at any time blog posts may come pouring out of me. Shooting across the room, so to speak.

And I guess I could use the therapy…
All sorts of world events have struck up my desire blog it out.

==

And we’re gonna have a party…
But before we get started, I have a question.
Is it just me or does everyone have a friend, you know the one, someone who is so
full of crap that even he couldn’t possibly believe the stuff that leaves his mouth?

Here’s an example:
Barnsley and I have this friend, Joe.  We decided to meet him at Starbucks the other day.
When Joe arrived, around 8:05am, Barnsley and I were already there and sitting at a table.
I’ve learned not to ask Joe too many questions but Barnsley asked him how he was. Joe replied, “just hoping for a better day than yesterday, my friend”.  I said, “yeah – me too”.
Of course, Barnsley asked, “oh… what happened yesterday?”

So Joe, in his loudest Long Island accent, instantly breaks into:
“Ugh… First thing in the morning, I went up to Boca, I had to spank this little Lebanese girl in the back seat of her mini-van. Of course, the whole time, her kid’s child seat was jabbing me in the side.  Then I had to go pickup my girlfriend from work and take her for a sonogram. That freakin’ baby is getting huge.  Dropped her back off at work and I was almost late to my appointment with my dominatrix – that would have hurt.”

“I spent about two hours tied to a steel cross while she electro-shocked my hoo-hoo”, he said while pointing at his pants with both index fingers.

“Naturally, I had to rush home afterwards and bang the old lady.”

“So, of course, I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning!  Hey… You guys want a beer?”
Joe then started looking around Starbucks, as if to flag down a waitress at an Irish pub.

I just want to say that Barnsley and I have known Joe for a long time and he has never,
ever had anything dry cleaned.  Just sayin’…

==

It was God’s light, it was ragged and naive…
So, actually, if you’re hoping for a global rant today, you’re out of luck.
Today, you’re off the hook. Today, I mostly want to talk about AT&T.

AT&T – Rethink Dysfunctional
AT&T, a company that was recently named by Fortune Magazine (the experts of everything) as the Most Admired Telecommunications Company in the world for 2015.  And although the current company is a direct mutation of SBC (Southwestern Bell Corporation), let’s not forget where the AT&T name came from.  The original company, American Telephone & Telegraph, was founded in 1885 and was part of the companies that were formed to protect the patents of Alexander Graham Bell.

Well, they renamed the company…  Why was that?  Granted – the telegraph has gone by the way of the pager, the FAX machine and the mullet …but I’m here to tell you that there also doesn’t seem to be much “American” there and the telephone doesn’t work that well either. I’ve had service with these guys for years.  Never needed to call them and that seems to work out really well for everyone.  But then, I thought about making some changes to my service.

Here’s my experience…

First Try
I picked up my Windows phone and asked it to call AT&T Local Services.  It dialed a number and soon an automated recording was thanking me for calling AT&T.  After going through the decision tree, I got to a message that said, “The number you dialed is only for processing new orders.  In order to make changes to an existing AT&T account, you must hang up and dial this number.”  Then it gave me some 800 number to call – the message repeated.

So, it is just me or shouldn’t AT&T be able to transfer a call?  Nope.
I had to scramble and find paper and pencil to write down a number.

Second Try
Got a greeting that sounded just like the first one. Then, in Spanish it told me to press 2, if I wanted to continue in Spanish.  Once again, I was in a decision tree.  If you needed new service, you had to press 1.  Technical support… 2.  Three (3) seemed like the logical choice for me.  Then a voice came on that said, “I have detected (something like) 287-375-8107 is your phone number. Is this number you are calling about?”

That number was not even remotely close to my number so I said, “no” and it asked me to enter the phone number associated with my existing AT&T account.  And so I entered my number.  I was told that all representatives were busy and that my wait would be under three minutes.

A few minutes later, someone speaking English with a Pakistani accent answered the phone, “Thank you for calling AT&T.  This is Ned.  May I have your order number please?”

Order number…  WTF?

“Hey Ned…  I don’t have an order number.  I’m trying to make changes to my existing AT&T account.”

Ned explained to me that I had reached the wrong department.  He couldn’t help me but he was going to transfer me to the right place.  Then he wanted me to write down the number, just in case something happened.  Well, by now I was in my car and driving somewhere…

“No pen or pencil here, Ned.  Just transfer me.”

Ned was extremely polite and somewhat long winded and apologetic for not being able to help me.  Wanted to thank me some more for being an AT&T customer and wanted to know if there was anything else that he could do for me.

“I’m running out of time here, Ned.  Thanks for everything.  Just transfer me.”

Third Try
Got a greeting that sounded just like the first two. Then, in Spanish it told me to press 2, if I wanted to continue in Spanish.  Once again, I was in a decision tree.  If you needed new service, you had to press 1.  Technical support… 2.  Three (3) seemed like the logical choice for me.

Does all of this sound familiar?

Then a voice came on that said, “I have detected that your phone number is…”  And it came up with a completely different phone number from  last time.  “Is this number you are calling about?”

Again , that number was not even remotely close to my number so I said, “no” and it asked me to enter the phone number associated with my existing AT&T account.  And so I entered my number.  I was told that all representatives were busy and that my wait would be under three minutes.

A few minutes later, someone who sounded suspiciously like Ned picked up the phone.
“Thank you for calling AT&T.  This is Andy.  May I have your order number please?”

Order number…  Seriously?

“Hey Andy…  Do you know a guy named Ned?”

“Excuse me?”

“I just talked to a guy named Ned.  I told him that I didn’t have an order number and we was going to transfer me to the correct department. Instead, I’m talking to you and I don’t have an order number.  I’m trying to make changes to my existing AT&T account.”

Andy explained to me that I had reached the wrong department.  He couldn’t help me but he was going to transfer me to the right place.  Then he wanted me to write down the number, just in case something happened.

“I don’t think so Andy.  I’ve already ended up at the wrong place three times. Also, I have no pen or pencil here.  So I can’t write anything down.”

Andy was extremely polite, long winded and apologetic for not being able to help me and for all the troubles that I was having.  Andy said that he was going to do a live transfer and that he would be on the phone with me until we got a live representative who could help me on the phone with us.

Already, I liked Andy better than Ned.  That was until he wanted to thank me for being an AT&T customer and wanted to know if there was anything else that he could do for me.

“I’m out of time here, Andy.  Let’s just find someone who can help me.”

Andy thanked me one last time.
Then, I heard a few beeps and a voice started repeating…  “Please wait, please wait.”
Then silence.

“Hello?  Andy are you there?”

Nothing.

Then, “Please wait… Please wait”.

And silence again.

“Andy…  Where the hell are you?”

Nothing.

Then…  “We’re sorry.  Your call transfer failed.  Please hang up and dial the customer services number again.  Goodbye.”

Seriously?  This is the most admired telecommunications company in the world?
More like one of the wonders of the world.  It’s a wonder how they have any customers.

Last Call for Alcohol
Well, the fat lady wasn’t just singing as far as my relationship with AT&T goes.  She was already back in her room, trying to pour herself into a leather skirt and looking for some rope to tie down the “English gentleman” who kept winking at her from the third row.  By the way, according to Barnsley, she wasn’t really that fat.  Anyway…

My next call was to Comcast.  Sure, they are a dysfunctional bunch too but I had my number ported away from AT&T and now there’s one less American and one less Telephone connected to the almighty AT&T.  Feel free to keep my Telegraph…  No charge.

But AT&T is Not ALL Bad
That’s right.   After hammering AT&T for the extremely frustrating customer service experience they are dishing out these days, I want to thank AT&T for the good they’ve
brought to the world.  This consist mostly of Milana Vayntrub.

This would be Lily, the girl from the AT&T Wireless commercials.
Is it just me or is anyone else thinking, “Yes… I’ll buy whatever she’s selling”…?

Because sure, they’ve made her look cute and fun for their commercials but there’s something way sexier going on there, isn’t there?

Aha…  I thought so.

Whoa.  Barnsley…  You’re going to want to see this one.
That has to be a doctored Internet photo.  What is she storing in there?

But let’s not give AT&T too much credit.  I’m only crediting them with getting her in front of Television audiences.  The 28ish year old “actress” from Uzbekistan (that’s one of “The Stans”) is already widely known and loved from starring in various web shows.

Currently, she is Tina Shukshin on Other Space, a weird outer space based comedy that debuted on Yahoo Screen, where they air Yahoo’s Original shows.   Not sure you want to waste your time on that one.  It’s fairly stupid and and having Milana on the show may be its only redeeming quality.  Let’s hope Yahoo’s original shows get better.

If you want to see Milana in some actual funny stuff,
you have to subscribe to: LivePrudeGirls on YouTube.   Check it out here…

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCn3x5a_TrxkAXA7zrKqftFA

These are several years old from back when Milana was young.  🙂
I recommend, the “Let’s Talk About Something More Interesting” series.  It’s a professionally done but totally weird and awkward talk show.  I love it.  I found the one with Matt Damon particularly funny, although they are all pretty funny.

My favorite, however, may be the one with Jake and Amir.
Maybe it’s just because of Milana’s skirt?  No.  Although that doesn’t hurt.
But I do love the quirky dry humor.  You be the judge. Enjoy…

And Now The End is Near
You know it.  All good things must come to an end.
Although, I do feel better after blogging out my AT&T experience. Just think, by next week, I’m going to be primed and ready.  Starting next week, we’re putting aside the hullabaloo.  We’re getting serious.  Seriously…

Be there or be square.

Peace & Love, Earthlings…  Peace and Love!

 – Arch