Archie Kobain

…this ain`t no disco, this ain`t no fooling around
This ain`t no mudd club, or C.B.G.B.,
I ain`t got time for that now.

What???  Who doesn’t have time for C.B.G.B. & OMFUG?

Exactly.

But I guess the bar has been raised.  After all, you know what they say… “It’s not a party ’til someone is running around, wearin’ nothin’ but a jalapeño flavored condom”.

They do say that.

They.  That’s who!

Did you notice that I’m posting two weeks in a row?  That’s right.  I’ve been inspired by the popularity of last week’s post.  I got emails, comments, phone calls and only a limited number of death threats.  I thought that was clearly a “success story”.  Get it?  I think the bottom line is that, if you talk about the gay & lesbian community, you get lots of hits.   So now, I’m just going to have to talk about thems peoples all the time…

Kidding.

She can handle any champagne brunch,
a bridal shower with Bacardi punch.
Jello shooters full of Smirnoff,
but tequila makes her clothes fall off…

Speaking of Nudity…
I have breaking news.

As you may know, similar to Champagne having to come from the grapes grown in the Champagne region of France, Mexico has claimed the exclusive international right to the word “tequila” and they’ve passed laws whereby tequila can only be produced in the Mexican state of Jalisco. There have also been strict restrictions on what can be called tequila.  For example, until now, anything with added flavor could not be called tequila.  For example, if you look at Patron XO, you’ll see that it is described on the bottle as a Coffee Liqueur that is made with tequila – but that makes it, not tequila.  It’s something else, that happens to be made with tequila.  See the difference?

Well, the rules have now changed.  Mexico, apparently, is now OK with you flavoring tequila and calling it tequila, as long as it’s infused.

Enter…  Tanteo.

These geniuses are producing three awesome infused tequilas.  They include Chocolate, Jalapeño, and – my favorite, Tropical.  Tropical is infused with guanabana, mango, pineapple, and just a hint of jalapeño.  It’s awesome.

The challenge is to produce a consistent product.  Sure, it’s easy to infuse your own.  I mean, who hasn’t made a little of their own Habañero infused tequila at home or, maybe while visiting Todos Santos?  But delivering a consistent product in commercial quantities is much tougher.  So every product release is made by making six giant vats of the desired flavor and those six are then carefully blended to produce an average of the six, keeping each release approximately the same and awesome.  Did I already use the word “awesome”…?

As a tequila drinker, I love handing someone a great shot, chilled or not, and having them say, “that is smooth”.  Well, the infused flavors in the Tanteo tequilas take that hard egde of the drink without ruining the underlying goodness of the tequila’s taste.  It’s genius and there is nothing smoother.

So, go get some.  Right now!

I got a girl who can put on a show,
The dollar decides how far you can go.

And speaking of more nudity…
Those of you who know me, know that I’m not big on strip clubs…for a number of reasons.  First, there’s something bizzare about a bunch of guys collectively staring at some on-display naked women, as they twist and froog around a chrome pole.
(Now also available in gold or pink.)

Second, whenever a man gazes upon a woman, dressed or otherwise, he should be able to pretend that there is some chance that, given the right circumstabnces, he could talk her into going home with him.  “Dancers”, however, are approached constantly. They make their living by taking off their clothes while pretending to like you.  Maybe I’m over-thinking the whole thing but, seriously – you have a better chance of picking up a nun (at a nun bar).

What kind of sex life does a priest have?
Nun….  get it?

The whole thing is so staged.  It’s like a bad reality show.

Actually, it’s more like a five-star restaurant that has really good stuff on the menu, they parade all kinds of food and yummy smells past your table and, every once in a while, someone stops by and shoves a steak in your face, then they charge you a lot of money – but you’re never actually allowed to have dinner.

How does such a place stay open?

Finally, there’s the whole respect thing, but I won’t go too deep here.  It’s (mostly) a free country… But in a nutshell, I guess I have a lot of respect for women and  I think a women should have at least as much respect for themselves as I have for them.  Stripping for a living doesn’t really seem to fit that bill.

Besides, I really hate how their boobs just keep staring right at my eyes.  🙂

Having said all of that, I bet you’d never think that I would be encouraging someone to enter the nude “dancing” for cash profession, right?  Well…  Not too long ago, I got to spend some time getting to know a sexy lady who I think should absolutely be a stripper.  She’s not a stripper today but she sure seemed to love strip joints.  I think it’s her calling.

I was with a group of people and I was trying to get them to a bar, any bar.  One where, preferably, we could all talk, maybe hear each other and I was thinking that everyone at this establishment would be mostly clothed.  She, on the other hand, kept suggesting that we go to a strip club.  I asked why she would want to go to such a place and her answer was something like, “I love them.  I love everything about them.  I love the ambiance, the whole thing.”

Ambiance… really?

I had many questions, like…

• Are you a stripper?
• Why don’t you work at a strip club?

I mean really.  It’s important to love your work… right?

Girls, Girls, Girls
At the Dollhouse in Ft. Lauderdale
Girls, Girls, Girls
Rocking in Atlanta at Tattletails

So, before it seems like I have no point, I’ll say this:

Darlin’…  There’s no telling if our paths will cross again but hopefully you are reading this, as I think congratulations are in order.  Here’s what I’m willing to do for you.  As a self-proclaimed famous Internet blogger, who lives to help others launch succesful careers, I would like to make you the recipient of the first ever Archie Kobain Scholarship Award for Aspiring Artists.

As the recipient of said award, my organization will finance your first package of 10 classes at Pole Dance & Fitness.   <==  That’s a link.  Click on it.  Scroll all the way down to the bottom of the page.  Did you see the girl hanging upside-down on the pole?  Do you know who that was?  Yeah…me neither.  But do you know who it could be???  You guessed it.  That’s you.

So, claim your award today. Seriously.  We’re in for the $150.  Note: Employees of ArchieKobain.com and their immediate family members are not eligible to win.

By the way, if you do well with your classes and you get to the “Sensual Exotic Explosion” level, the trustees and I have also agreed to buy you your own pole, in exchange for a few private performances – of course.

I’m your private dancer, a dancer for money, 
I’ll do what you want me to do… 
I’m your private dancer, a dancer for money, 
and any old music will do… 

Of course, later, as an alumni, when you’re throwing back a few “large” every night, the trustees of the scholarship fund will expect you to become a major donor – I’m just sayin’…

Ah… It feel so good to give back to the community.

What???
Do we even have time for a musical guest, Barnsley?

Hmmm… What shall we play?

Really?

Barnsley thinks we should play the Mark Lanegan Band.
I’m not sure this crowd is ready for Mark.

OK, how about that live clip from the French show?
Perfect.  Just be warned, this guy is no Gotye.

Here’s Mark Lanegan with Sleep with Me. Enjoy…

Brilliant, Barnsley…  Brilliant.
I love, “gift horse pissed in my bloodshot eyes”.

Lanegan is like a still alive version of Zevon, yes/no?

Well, now we definitely have to go.

May the fleas of 1000 camels infest your armpits…until we meet again, and not one second more. For I woke up from a nightmare that I could not stand to see, to sea, two sea…and one if by land.  What?  Never mind.  Hurry up. Don’t be late…and I will send (you all) this message in code, underground through forests and deserts and cities.

Whoa.  I really need to layoff the Tanteo.

Gotta run

– Arch