Archie Kobain

I’m so confused.  First he resisted, then he didn’t resist (much).  First we killed his wife, then we only shot her in the leg.  First we had the body, then we buried it at sea.  First we had pictures, then we’re not showing them to anyone. First we were sure it was him, but now, no one can find Cat Stevens…

Just a litte joke there, Yusuf…
(artist formerly known as Cat, formerly known as Steven)
…I love you , man.   ‘Scuse me, while I kiss this guy.

My Lady d’Arbanville,
why do you sleep so still?
I’ll wake you tomorrow
and you will be my fill,
yes, you will be my fill.

What was I talking about, Michael Jackson?
Oh, that’s right…  The other dead guy.

One thing we don’t do around here is celebrate anyone’s death.  And well, this guy, we’re not going to celebrate his neo maxi zoom dweebie life. I do, however, think this occasion calls for a little Hasidic Jew, Reggae, Hip Hop, Rap. Don’t you?

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Excuse me while I kiss this guy, too…

The big debate in Washington this week was whether or not to release photographs of the dead guy. What do you suppose that debate sounded like?

Leon:  Let’s release the photos!

Hillary: We can’t release the photos. They are graphic (as opposed to non-graphic photos) and could cause backlash against Americans everywhere.

Leon: C’mon. Let release them before Assange does.

Well, doesn’t matter that El Presidente Obama decided not to release the photographs. You don’t have to wait for the CIA, Homeland Security, WikiLeaks or even George Foreman…(?)… You guessed, our investigative reporting business unit, “ArchieLeaks – mostly in the bathroom”, has acquired certain “cables” containing a classified image which was leaked to us by an unnamed high ranking official. We have now authenticated the image as having been produced by an official Navy SEAL sketch artist, microseconds after Bin Laden was shot in the head.
Warning: The following photo may contain graphic images.

Osama Bin Laden - Shot - Leaked Photo

I wonder if we’ll ever find out who exactly pulled the trigger.
There’s a guy a few people would like to kiss.

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 Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on, Ah!…
La-la how the life goes on.

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Note: Your results may vary if  you
have been recenly shot in the head.

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So, a few weeks ago, I was in Florida and desperately needed a a glass of wine while visiting the foreclosure capital of the world, Port St. Lucie.  I know, at first it sounds like I must have lost a bet.  However, much to my surprise, in this town mostly know for residents with sunburned necklines who never take down their Christmas lights, I found a pretty cool little wine and beer joint, conveniently located right off the Interstate, Vine & Barley.

Hi Girls!

That makes it it easy to find and handy for drinking and driving your four wheel drive truck on the Interstate later. Note: I’m still looking for investors for my Drinking & Driving School.
Question: Should at least the instructor be sober?

Anyway, while the Barley side is attended to by a “beerista” (I just made that up), the Vines are attended to by the Enomatic Wine Serving System. So, technically, you don’t even have to talk to anyone (much). This is good since they are probably busy anyway, thinking about taking down their Christmas lights.

But here’s the exciting part…  I discovered the 2007 Silver Palm Cabernet Sauvignon.  I’d been off cabs for a while, but this one is reeling me back in. It’s very smooth with a delicious taste of various fruits. I couldn’t pick them out. I was drinking…

And it just keeps getting better, street price on this guy is about $14 per bottle…but get me a decanter and I’ll put it up against a $30 bottle any day.  Bring it on!

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The most disturbing part of this whole event occured in the parking lot when I was leaving. When I got there it was starting to rain, I had a few Twizzlers to send, and I backed my car into the parking space…  So as I’m leaving my friend says, “hey…you probably shouldn’t go around backing into parking spaces”.  Next, I come to find out that, apparently, backing into a parking space, in certain circles, is some sort of a sign that some men use to indicate that they are “trolling for other men”.

What???

 No way, gay guys…  You can’t have this one.

I learned to go in rear-first at the early age of 16 (maybe 17), when I could barely drive but was hired by an Italian guy named Rocco and his son, Rocco Jr., to valet park the Bentleys and Rolls Royces of the rich and famous at the, now defunct, Royal Poinciana Playhouse in Palm Beach. I’ve been backing in to parking spaces every since.

Why can’t we all just get along?  Tell you what… I’ll split it with you.
You guys get to keep backing in but you also have to hang something gay off your rear-view mirror. That way we, the boring straight folk, can tell the difference between a “trolling vehicle” and one that is just possibly Valet parked…  And I will get to keep backing in and you will not pull any gay stuff on me.  Deal?

Excuse me – but please don’t try to kiss this guy…   (yuck)

Note (mostly for the democrats): I love and respect all my brothers and sisters from this planet (Earth), regardless of your sexual preferences, creed (does not include the band, Creed), color, religion, political affiliation(s) or if you’ve chosen to name all of your kids after yourself …

Love ya, GF – but I’m done with the kisses.

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By the way, it’s funny what you find on the Information Super Bad Neighborhood when you GoogaBing “Bid Laden” while trying to locate a photo so that you have something to base your sketch artist drawing on.

I leave you with my two favorites…

Bush Bin Laden

 And, of course…

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See yous all next week.
(Not a typo – I was trying to sound Long Island.) 

– Arch