Zombie, Ninja, Glam, Punk…

September 2, 2011

Don’t forget to call my lawyers
with ridiculous demands
You can take the pity so far
but it’s more than I can stand
‘Cause this couchtrip’s getting older
tell me how long has it been?
‘Cause 5 years is forever
and you haven’t grown up yet

Sounds like a personal problem.  Buah, ha, ha, ha…

Remember that?  I had a friend who, whenever he didn’t have a good comeback or just didn’t know what to say about something, he’d say, “sounds like a personal problem”.  What did that mean exactly?

[Archie:] “Yo momma so fat, she sits around the house, all the way around the house…”
[Roger:] “Oh yeah, well yo momma yoogly”.  (This means she’s too ugly for the word ugly.)
[Archie:] “Oh yeah, but yo momma is President of the Yoogly Club.”
[Roger:] “Sounds like a personal problem.”
[Archie:] “What?”
[Roger:] “Sounds like a personal problem.”
[Archie:] “Yeah, your personal problem.”
[Roger:] “That sounds like a personal problem too.”
[Archie:] “What???”

Hurry Cane Eye Reen
I must say that I was a bit worried about Long Island but it looks like the big hit was Vermont, where the storm caused the worst flooding in almost 100 years. What a mess.  I hope all my peeps out there are safe. 

Also, I’d really like to thank the Bush administration for the poor response back in the Hurricane Katrina days.  Thanks to you, everyone was “over the top” prepared for Irene so now, Kanye and I won’t have to go on television with Mike Myers and announce that Obama Wan Kenobe doesn’t care about white people.

Obama Wan Kenobe

Speaking of Obama Wan, I can’t wait for him to unveil his big plan to create jobs and enable businesses to hire people.  He’s only been talking about making capital available to small businesses since his election campaign, so that can’t be it… or was he purposely keeping the plan a secret until re-election time,  in hopes of boosting an otherwise miserable approval rating?  My guess is there is no plan.

My guess is that, unless he uses some kind of a Jedi mind trick on us, we are going to hear sketchy details on a plan that will never work.  Whatever his plan is, it won’t work because he won’t do the things that actually need doing.  You see, to put money in the hands of every American, you have to take it out of the hands of the people who fund re-election campaigns.

And the other challenge is…  How do we stimulate the economy, without spending a lot of money that we don’t have?  Glad it’s not really my job to figure that one out…but here are a few ideas.  1. The banking system in this country is totally broken and corrupt.  They aren’t lending money to anyone, because they don’t have to.  After making a killing on you and me, they got bailed out and got their bad mortgage dollars back, while the average person lost thousands and wrecked their credit.  Now the big banks are making safe dollars with little risk and without lending a dime. So they will never assist in the economic recovery.  It’s up to you, Señor Presidente.  Create a wholesale national money pool (I’m trying not to say “bank”) and make money available at no more than 2% (1% for the lending bank and let’s put the other 1% toward reducing the deficit).  Make this money easily available to businesses who want to grow, expand and create jobs.

2. Give up some payroll tax dollars.  Maybe we need a tax holiday for six months or a year?  This would have to be for both the employee (so the employee has more more to spend) and for the employer ( so that the employer has an incentive to make some new hires).   Sure, this might cost a half-trillion dollars but…  Really?  These days?  What’s a half-trillion dollars among friends?  Don’t forget, we have an entire economy to recharge.  This is just like running a business…  If done properly, investing in the future will usually make you a lot more money than cutting expenses ever will.

I can just picture President Obama looking at me and thinking…
“Sounds like a personal problem.”  Oh, yes.  It is.

This week I’m really deviating from my usual stuff for the musical guest.
Here’s Tony winner, actress, singer, songwriter, Idina Menzel…

Sorry. The video can’t be embedded.
…and you probably had to watch a commercial.
Remember when YouTube was commercial free – before Google?

OK, so here’s the deal.  I’ve watched that video about 100 times.  I’m convinced that if she keeps unraveling all of that material, sooner or later, she’s going to have to end up naked.  I’d hate to miss that.  But, no!!!  She unwraps her dress for the entire video but THEN, just when you’re thinking that you are at least due the edge of a strapless bra or maybe a gratuitous show of leg, after enduring this for 3 minutes and 55 seconds, THEN you find out that she’s wearing jeans under the dress.  Who directed this?  I thought this was going to be part of that series, “Girls From Syosset Gone (Slightly) Wild”.

OK. I’m going to watch it one more time.  Just in case.

Speaking of chicks from New York
You know the best part of the over the top, Gulf War style coverage of Hurricane Irene?

Chris Jansing

Well, I was flipping through the channels, wandered upon MSNBC and there was Chris Jansing.  How cute is she?  Here’s the best part…  Apparently, she’s older than I am!  So “cute” is probably not the right word…  but, for once, I can’t get accused of only appreciating the “young chickies”.  Yeay!

Now, here’s the unfortunate part.  If only I had discovered Chris last month, I could have looked for her during my private tour of 30 Rock.  I was just there.  Look, here’s me at Brian William’s desk…

Where's Brian?

 And here’s me, on the set of Saturday Night Live…

Archie on the set of SNL

Those aren’t Photoshop, by the way. I was actually just there.
If I was going to Photoshop anything, I’d do something like 
Me as a remote guest on Chris’ show…

Archie on MSNBC

(Yep, she laughs at all my jokes.)
or maybe, Chris on my show…

Jansing on ArchieKobain.com

Cool.  Now I’ll probably get sued by NBC, which is, of course, my plan for fame and notariety.   …and saying that is my plan for having them not sue me.  Now I just need a plan so that my new girlfriend… oh, I mean… Chris… doesn’t think I’m a stalker.  Although, I have a feeling it might be a little late for that.

Call me.  I’m always good for cocktails and/or dinner at WD-50
Of course, we may need to leverage our celebrity status to get a table.  (Hopefully her celebrity status works better than mine.  I almost couldn’t get a table at Dos Caminos.)

Drink of The Day
So, you’re probably wondering what to drink while you’re sitting around waiting for your new TV-stalker celebrity girlfriend and/or boyfriend to call you, aren’t you?  I know I am.  So I sent Barnsley, my trusty man servant, out on a search for a bevarage worthy of exactly such an occassion and instead he returned with… (drum roll)…  Mansinthe.

Yep.  That would be Absinthe that is, somehow, made by Marilyn Manson.
I couldn’t possibly make this stuff up.  It’s almost as if the show writes itself sometimes.

Well, I would go into details on how to drink Absinthe.  It’s history of being banned in various countries, including the US, and how it’s slowly making a comeback but…just thinking about Absinthe and Marilyn Manson at the same time is giving me a headache right here. 
No, no…  A little more to the right.  Yeah… right there.

So that’s it for today, my children.  You are on your own.
Type it into GoogaBing and see what you get.
Note: Don’t drink it straight. It ain’t tequila.

Love yoos guys

– Arch

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